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BEETON'S 'HUMOROUS BOOKS. 




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THE SI LI AD. 



BEETON'S HUMOROUS BOOKS. 



\S 



THE 



ILIAD 



OR, THE 



SIEGE OF THE SEATS 



BY THE AUTHORS OF 

"THE COMING K- 




LONDON: 
WARD, LOCK, AND TYLER 

WARWICK HOUSE, PATERNOSTER ROW, E.C. 



CONTEN T S . 



BOOK I. 

PAG.K 

The Contention of Gladimemnon and Bobilloes i 

BOOK II. 
The Trial of the Army .. ... 28 

BOOK III. 
The Dure between Jenkines and Squiros 69 

BOOK IV. 
The Night Adventures of Liobed and Bersites... 90 

BOOK V. 

The Thirty-third Battle and the Acts of 
Gladimemnon . 135 

BOOK VI. 

The Kop.ty-second Battle and Distress of the 

Whigs 167 

BOOK VII. 
The Council of the Gods 197 

BOOK VIII. 

The Catalogue of the Forces, and the Episode 
of Albor and Viktromache ... ... ... 213 



THE COMING K- 



A PROLOGUE TO 



THE SI LI AD 



p— r-^T3 v/e }| t f inc j > once, in this pleasant world, 
teQ The seed we ve sown a plant with leaves 
uncurled ; 
And jocund is the news, to penmen brought, 
That, what they with their little weapons wrought.. 
Good work has done. Thus are they justified, 
Who by the snobs and cads may be decried, 
In using what poor talents are their share, 
To hit what's wrong, and what is right declare.. 



viii -The Coming K~ ; 

This did we in our last year's Coming K , 

And many things this year have met decay, 
Were struck at in our verse. The flutt'ring dove 
(A type of what is sweet and true in love) 
Mas had a respite ; and the low Comique 
Has waxed weaker, and by far more meek 
Than in the nights when feted at the Mall ; 
So perish all that's vulgar, low, or small ! 

Is the Court purer ? Well, 'tis more sedate. 
And habits good improve the moral state. 
We'll hope, then, rectitude will so increase, 
That, when the lessees ask another lease, 
Strength and intelligence may hear the prayer, 
And grant the Guelphs new favour and field fair. 
Yet much remains that stigmatize we must, 
And in our Siliad the upper crust 
Will find some words to ponder carefully, 
Unless they wish to finish dolefully. 

One blot must now and in this place be hit ; 
A Secret Testament is all unfit 
For England at this time of day ; first wrong 
Demands a second; third ; and then a throng 



A Prologue to the Siliad. i <: 

Once heard were Royal Wills, whilst Trumpets 

blazed ; 
Of Acts to prop what ne'er should have been raised. 
Now is the fashion changed, and secrecy 
Seals Prince's deed and Monarch's legacy. 

It is a grievous thing, and pitiful, 
That with devoted House and city full 
Of loyal subjects, ready all to bleed, 
Our Guelphs should ask an Act for Silent Deed, 
So that the property in land and house, 
Gained by economies ungenerous, 
Should pass from Sceptred Dead to Living Head, 
Thereof nought known by leaders or the led 
Throughout the land, — altho' full ways and means 
Were ne'er yet grudged to Consorts, Kings, or 
Queens. 

Reform it altogether ; rule it out ; 
And hear how, frank and lavish, all will shout— 
** 'Tis good ; there no need for Concealment is, 
When nought but what is straight and right meant 
is." 

Fortune has favoured much ye princely three ; 
Tempt her not further, but let what's well be ; 



x The Coming K — 

The pranks you've played and have not come to 

light, 
Thank lucky stars which shone not overbright. 
And, henceforth wise, content ye have escaped, 
In honour's robes let all your deeds be draped. 

He whom we lately sang as Coming K — 
Did wisely profit by our well-meant lay. 
His friends are those who show the dangerous 

road ; 
Xot those who tell him, " Make your will your 

code;" 
Sagacity he has to know this fact, 
And to seize good advice shows genial tact. 
No better liegemen thro' the Empire's view 
Has he, if he shall be Good Liege and True, 
Than we who wrote last year, and write to-day, 
To plainly speak, and what we think, to say. 

And you who bear the name of the great King, 
That to the Arts of War and Peace did bring 
A patient labour and untiring deed, 
Who learning cherished and his country freed ; 
You, near the highest, learn that England's scorn 
Is for the Prince not to the manner born ; 



A Prologue to the Silmd, 



xi 



Who generous guerdon from his country tak 
But giveth not, and meanness his rule make 














Frugality, that in the herd may pas-. 
Is Stinginess in him of Royal Class ; 



xii The Coming K ; 

Things out of place are never virtuous found, 
What's sweet in tJiat y in tins may be unsound. 
Your Northern bride comes from a goodly stock, 
Who aught that's sordid will most surely mock. 
Proud is the Romanoff, and hard to move ; 
Who mates with them must bounteous manhood 

prove. 
Y©u have been dowried with an open hand, 
So you on equal terms with her might stand, 
Whose race, deposed, imprisoned, strangled, killed, 
Has Peter's dreams and testament fulfilled. 




To noble arms and aims your nature lift, 
Rise above bargains made and paid-for git 



A Prologue to the Szl'iad. xiii 

The plan which furnishes of presents made, 
A debit and accredit, as in trade. 
Show yourself worthy of Great England's fame, 
Nor reason give for Britain to feel shame, 
Lest when the fiscal hour doth strike again. 
Big with the fate your income to maintain, 
The House that mleth here may then declare 
They will not. from the People's Taxes, spare 
To pay a Prince with whom they do not share- 
In any thought, or hope, or common care. 

You, third in birth, your motto should be 
''Work; 5 ' 
And nothing difficult, laborious, shirk; 
Learn well your business, the Game of War; 
Gain geist and nous — come to the very fore : 
Love valorous deeds, and great exemplars prize ; 
A Soldier Prince, a Princely Soldier, rise ! 

The Writing on the Wall wayfarers see. 
Is in a Roman hand, clear, fair, and free ; 
" Thy days are numbered" it proclaims aloud. 
To Rank and Privilege, to Monarch proud ; 



xiv The Coming K 

Scented Aristos at Belshazzar's feast; 

To mitred bishop, formulating priegt ; 

To torturing lawyer, money-lending wretch ; 

To all the crew who carry and who fetch ; 

To all the Landlord Tribe who've made the 

laws 
Containing every hard, tyrannic clause; 
The fat Shopkeeper, he whose lying goods 
Adulteration's arts confess in foods ; 
The pursy man, whose Capital's his God, 
Who for a lowly bow but gives a nod ; 
The owner of the heavy-laden ship, 
Which went down, as intended, the last trip. 
u Thy days are numbered,'" it proclaims to 

each, 
In sharp-set words, in unmistaken speech. 
"Set each his house in order; " this obey, 
You in high places and in fortune's way. 
By timely sacrifice and wise retreat, 
You may, as oft before, with Demos treat ; 
Give in, surrender, whilst you yet have time; 
To know the danger, and not act, is Crime. 
Leave not to accident, or sudden shock, 
To wreck the vessel on a sunken rock. 



Prelate to the Siliad. 



XV 



Thus, princes, rulers, mighty men in power, 
See the storms gather, and the clouds that lower ; 
Hear ye the words, and write them in your hearts, 
Or else the sceptre from your hand departs ; 
Purge out Corruption, let it die the death, 
So England may live on with happy breath. 




*v£fe& 



r^<~ 




The Siliad 



TBoofe a. 

The Contention of Bobilloes and 
Gladimemnon. 



POBILLOES' spleen, to Whigs the direful 
spring 
Of votes ungiven, printed pages, sing ! 
That spleen which made the ballot-boxes tell 
Of liberal candidates the funeral knell ; 
Whose names, dishonoured in the Morning Sheet, 
Devouring scribes and hungry penmen greet ; — 
Since his bad-tempered ways Bobilloes showed, 
And made ill use of place on him bestowed ; 
Began to wane men's confidence and trust, 
Which would chiefs hold the Seats, secure they must. 

i 



2 The Siliad; or, 

Declare, plain sense, in what ill-fated hour 
Sprung the mistake, the blundering of power, 
Which did essay to tax poor misery's work, 
And helpless poverty to strike and burke ? 
Why sought the chiefs to tax the poor child's toil, 
And the few ha'pence, gained, box-pasting, spoil? 
Say, Gladimemnon, where your precepts then ? 
Where the idea of flesh and blood in men ? 
What has beneficence in budgets meant, 
If you to this proposal gave assent ? 

Let us, who speak in sorrow, not in spite, 
The world's inspection of two trades invite ; 




Match-making at the East is one ; — we ween, 
Not often visited by Prince or Queen. 
Though years the Eastern Park had owned her name, 
The Royal Dame to view it never came. 
Match-making at the West, or with the North, 
lhat is a " deal " to bring the feelings forth ; 
Such high transactions social wits inspire, 
And Good Society is fast afire. 



The Siege of the Seats. 

Then, all alive the chiefs on either side, 
And anxious maids and mothers quick decide 
The merits of the partis, and their looks ; 
While angling women sharpen up their hooks, 




What Princes and Princesses do, they wish 
May be the fashion for the smaller fish ; 
And Belgrave's Maids, may be a little maimed, 
Have hopes they will in Licenses be named. 



We w r ould not for the world a bias give, 
Nor trouble these who comfortably live. 
We would not wish to ruffle antique lace, 
Nor speak but lowly to the great in place, 
Nor cause a rustle in the blue-blood breast ; 
But thankful rest, and make no wicked jest. 
This our intent, and wish, as subjects loyal, 
So great respect we have for all that's royal. 
And yet, a little thought would interfere, 
'Twixt leisurely West-end, the princely sphere, 

I — 2 



4 The Siliad; or, 

And that far-off and dimly-distant land, 
London's East-end, where, numerous as sand, 
The British offspring lie along the street, 
And pallid want and shaip-set hunger meet. 




The thought, oh, Gladimemnon, and ye chiefs, 
Ye men of tithes and lands, manors and fiefs, 
Was very simple, but it moved our heart, 
And to the world we will it now impart. 



The name much used, tho' little known, we count, 
The tongue that spake the Sermon on the Mount, 



The Siege of the Seats, 

That sweet, dear name, if He who bore it came, 

Would He the hale man visit, or the lame ? 

Loves He the heavy-laden or the light ? 

Those in good case, or those in sorry plight ? 

Would He not those overburdened, succour bring, 

Exalt the pauper, and abase a king ? 

The high-born dame set down, with anger keen, 

And lift the beggar of foul Bethnal Green ? 

As thus the thoughts came thronging in our mind, 

So others rose, quick following behind ; 

And we in form beheld the Nazarene, 

As He, in faithful days, to us had been. 

We saw Him move amidst the well-dressed crowd, 

And view the many mansions, tall and proud ; 

Regard the temples, and the changing mass, 

The daylight fading, and the world of gas. 

He saw the chiaro-oscuro of the creeds, 

He knew what faith had worked of doubtful deeds ; 

Beheld the spires, mounting to high heaven, 

And learned how sacred bread had little leaven. 

He met the Bishops in the Lambeth Walk, 

And understood no tittle of their talk ; 

But crossed the river to the other shore, 

And a sad Magdalene to comfort bore. 

Lastly, He came where Barry's turrets rise, 

Beheld th' assembly of our Great and Wise, 

And saw, in gilded chamber, with amaze, 

The pious author of " The Book of Praise." 

(The judge, with such humility of heart, 

Seemed scarcely playing there his proper part ; 

The upper chambers, we were taught to know, 

Were for the proud ; the humble sat below.) 

Silent and sorrowful He strode the Strand, 

Seeing no righteous trace throughout the land ; 

Finding, from vulgar rich to princely Guelph, 

Not one who loved his neighbour as himself. 



6 The Siliad; or, 

The Vision, or Reflection, passed away, 
Matters more mundane claim a fitting swsy. 

Great Gladimemnon, copious of phrase, 
Rich in resource and versed in worldly ways, 
Still kept a conscience ; and now, sadly vexed, 
Was forced to ponder, What will happen next ? 
The chiefs, whose aid he'd claimed to hold the seals, 
Were just as many as he had of teats. 

But, see a litter of the porcine breed, 
The mouths are greater than the power to feed; 
Yet, are appeased the appetites of some, 
And these become all on a sudden dumb ; 
Squeakings they make before they have been filled, 
Are with the soothing mixture quickly stilled. 
But peace endureth not so long as wished ; 
Some little fellow thinks he shall be dished, 
And feels no call to make, although not big, 
The crispy crackling of a sucking pig. 

High-breds and hybrids figured in the team ; 
Some of low birth and some the cream of cream — 
These Gladimemnon drove, ribbons in hand, 
To canter gaily through the Happy Land. 
Wheelers and leaders showed some turn for pace, 
And " staying " qualities were gained by place. 
Another proof of profound Darwin's plan, 
As viewed in Bird, or Beast, or Englishman, — 
Selection Natural ; the growing claws 
For office holding, or for framing laws. 
Developments like these come on a-pace; 
A session sees what wonders worked by place ; 
And Gladimemnon' s men examples show, 
Survival of the fittest, high or low. 



The Siege of the Seats. 7 

To council called, the various chiefs discuss 
Things locomotive — cab and omnibus ; 
These had a chief of mighty race in care, 
Brusis his name, who much did try and dare ; 
But quite unmenable the wights he found, 
'Bout rules and rates, and fares, and measured 

ground ; 
The Jehus of our streets he could not drive, 
Though pretty-coloured flags he did contrive ; 
(So, in a neighbouring land, in loftier ranks, 
A white flag played some questionable pranks.) 
The unsuccessful bunting soon he struck, 
For through his Act the hackmen ran a-muck : 
And then another task he took in hand, 
In what a precious mess, alas, to land ! 
The laws to license sale of beer and drink., 
Specific gravity to weigh and think. 
No small affair to prove a wise man's skill, 
When he begins to meddle with the till. 

ic What's to be done," did Gladimemnon ask, 
" About this Bottle business, and Cask ? 
'Tis yours, O Brusis, to declare the way, 
To guide our counsels in the spirit fray ; 
Let it be thorough, nor of shoddy smell, 
Renfrew should know the power of toddy well." 
Bobilloes joined the strain — " I would explain 
My great regret I've not a Scottish name ; 
Then, a cheese-paring miser I could be, 
And yet indulge a wee drop in the e'e. 
The land o' cakes has lost in me a son 
Who much prefers to do, than to be done ; 
But I would say, in re the public-house, 
Don't try the Treasury to cheat or chouse ; 
That I'll not stand ; the money I must win 
To make a surplus, though it flows from gin." 



The Si Had; or^ 



Swift, sharp, and keen, Bobilloes settled down, 
His eyes all puckered with short-sighted frown, 
And Brusis spluttered a long-winded tale, 
Which any one might know was sure to fail ; 
For fairy stories should, both old and new, 
As Wonder Land, be filled with spirits true. 



aSJaSS ■/?^y>y^<C-y r r^:y^^r\ J 




W 



(V fe — 8 - 





Alas ! no Alice here to please us well, 

But Malice, rather, spiting what's not swell; 

In the whole scheme a blundering head was shown, 

For which, in days to come, Whigs did atone. 

Brusis, however, not alone to blame, 

With him the Council shares the total shame, 



The Siege of the Seats. 

Their license laws are rotten at the core : 
One for the rich, another for the poor ! 



i 1 S «);M I WJKfPQ 




ffSTO UT^M 



mm\ 



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M£wj.icmW® T 3 



A single voice was raised against the scheme- 
A voice 'twere well to heed ; " I do not deem," 
It said, " 'tis fair to close the people's pub. 
At certain hours, and not the private club ; 



i o TJie Siliad; or, 

We in our homes have stores of beer and wine ; 

For, drinking there, we have no fear of fine ; 

Our sherry or our claret for our lunch, 

Bordeaux at dinner, and at midnight, punch ; 

At any hour on Sunday when we wish, 

Our servants bring us any glass or dish ; 

And rightly w r ill the people loud complain, 

If we their rights unfairly thus disdain. 

A general cellar is the public-house, 

And why should we its lights propose to douse 

Before the ' Carlton ' shuts Aristos out, 

While Rag and Famish plays just one more bout ? 

What makes the difference, I fain would know, 

'Twixt butler's service in our caves below, 

And barman's drawing of a pint of beer, 

The tired workman and his friend to cheer. 

Is it the labour that is wrong herein ? 

Then both the butler and the barman sin. 

Is it the drinking you improper call ? 

Then criminal are workmen, and we all. 

I hope the Cabinet will not allow 

What surely will promote but strife and row ; 

For we shall rue in many a contest near, 

Restrictive laws made 'gainst the poor man's beer.' 

Of no avail — all sing a mono-note, 

And the majority with Brusis vote. 

Thus they prepare, not knowing well the age, 

The Victualler's anger, and the 'Tiser's rage. 

Blunders of many sorts thereafter come — 
Not definite in this, and in that, dumb ; 
Leaving alone of many things that press, 
And touching others to their own distress. 
So do the skippers who ill-trim their yachts 
Find they can't count on making former knots ; 



The Siege of the Seats. 



II 



What matter that they've won some well-sailed match, 
If they can only windward work, but never "ratch ? 




A minor chief, sardonic, stiff, and slow, 
Who never learned the art of bowing low, 



12 



The Siliad; or, 



And though not reckoned in the highest rank, 
Proved a sad thorn in Gladimemnon's flank. 
He in the parks and gardens planted Rue, 
For gracious plants were not at all his Cue. 



Q& 




Old servants of the State, good men as ho, 
Were treated with most marked discourtesy j 



The Siege of the Seats. 



*3 



He put up posts, and tumbled pillars down, 
Kicked up a bobbery throughout the town ; 
And made himself disliked by all the world— 
The object at which gibes and jests were hurled. 




He strained his powers beyond their proper strength ; 

Went, in his self-conceit, just any length ; 

Framed rules and regulations out of form, 

As though his task was more a fort to storm, 

Than grass to cut, and beds of flowers form, 

Keep trim the walks, and the glass greenhouse warm. 



14 The Siliad; or, 

The peaceful Mission of the Sylvan Groves, 

Fitted for sweet discourse, and coo of doves, 

He turned into a den and din of strife, 

Where with contagious cries the air was rife ; 

Far more of war than peace th' enclosure smelt, 

Where blows, not compliments, were freely dealt; 

A place of arms, artillery's dread park, 

Than nursemaid's haven, with a soldier spark. 

Bairton mistook his mandate, read it wrong, 

And those he thought were weak he found were ctron^. 

His paths were not the paths of pleasantness, 

Nor did his ways the ways of peace confess. 

Unparklike chief, ungentle, and morose ! 

Let Lud's town ne'er have such another dose 

Of misapplied activity and force, 

Though Labalmondiere lead, and you endorse. 

He worked the oracle by far too hard, 

Just as a gambler passes a marked card ; 

But Demos on this count proved rather tough, 

And, over-bitted, rode a little rough ; 

Displayed Cerberian fangs, and grinders ground, 

Whilst Bairton, tho' a legal 'cute renowned, 

Shortly gave in, after a little show, 

And saved the railings after railing low. 

So, Brusis' blunder, and Bobilloes' spleen, 
And Bairton's boorishness, the scowl and mien, 
Soon led attendant evils, bred ill-will, 
And Tory lists with malcontents did fill. 
Yet, like all men whom Fates ordain to crush, 
The petty chiefs could not their bickerings hush; 
Each still with peevish speech made angry stir, 
With yelp and bark like Madame' s snappish cur. 
These little tyrannies and foolish jars 
Disheartened friends, and led to little wars 
Within the circle of the council tent, 



'The Siege of the Seats. 15 

Where Blue eyes soon descried a fatal rent. 
It widened, and t lie fierce light entering in, 
Disclosed, instead of concord, strife and din ; 
Bobilloes showed his teeth, and Bairton growled ; 
Jove hurled some thunderbolts ; Bobilloes howled. 
A general Hubbub all the force misled, 
And one, a Highland chief, turned tail and fled ; 
But not with fear, but shame ; and very dull, 
He scarce could take a pinch from out the mull. 
Their son, returned, his native hills receive, 
Confess him prudent and discreet, to leave 
A camp where discipline no longer dwelt, 
And Gladimemnon's sway was no more felt. 
Some words of wisdom Dundee since hath heard, 
Bidding the Knights of Free Enquiry gird 
Their swords about their loins for coming days, 
In contests hot as ancient border frays. 
Then will this chief once more assert a lead, 
His own by right of service, and done deed. 

And now the Gods of high Hoeprintus Mount 
Show to poor mortals what it is to count 
On Deities who daily change their text, 
For ever watchful as to what comes next. 

The faithful Mercury, always awake 
To principle and interest at stake, 
Did ply his winged words and hastening heels, 
To grease his Gladimemnon's chariot wheels. 
Libations full had the great chief poured forth, 
And sacrifices made of money's worth; 
Bared his breast's secrets to th' Electric Spark, 
So Hermes' Soothsayers could hit the mark, 
And tell, in Sphinx-like, enigmatic phrase, 
What men might look for in the next few days. 



1 6 The Si Had; or, 

Jove, too, was partial to the leader's cause, 
Though not without a but, a yet, a pause ; 
The Thunderer would wait and watch the fray, 
Not his to follow, but to hold the sway. 

Minerva's wisdom, and her honest look, 
Prevents suspicion that she'll cook her book ; 
She rates the wrong, and praises right made deeds, 
And urges progress with the well-fed steeds, 
Showing how surely that Past Goals are nought 
But to mark distance and the good work wrought ; 
The Future is the road untravelled yet, 
The laurels for the foremost there to get. 

Bacchus is in an awful vinous sweat ; 

His hot brows laves he with all sorts of wet ; 

His Satyrs and his Fauns their days employ 

In working Brusis, and his Act annoy. 

The Kings' Heads with the Queens' Arms plots do lay, 

Never their ire to cease or rage allay ; 

Both Neptune and the Dolphin quite agree 

That streams may cease to flow and starve the sea; 

The Eagle Black and Lion with the mane 

Will yield up every penny of their gain ; 

The Valiant Soldier and the Waterloo 

Will vote for none of all the ruddy crew ; 

The Crown, White Horse, the Railway, and the Bell 

Consign the chiefs to lowest depths most fell ; 

All the great houses and the minor pubs., 

The stout Diogenes in beery tubs, 

Declare with Bacchus they will stand or fall, 

No matter if it ends in blood or brawl. 

A heavy light-weight, and a wicked. sage, 
Saturnus, in his well-formed, well-writ page, 
Figures impartial 'midst Olympus' throng, 
His leaden brilliance shining, righting wrong ; 



The Siege of the Seats. 1 7 

His reverend irreverence for gods and men, 

His loving hate, sweet scorn, and soft steel pen ; 

yEsthetical dislike of bad sky lines ; 

Revilings af>roj)OS ; with love of vines ; 

His scholarly impatience of a sham ; 

His liberal acceptance of a damn ; 

His care for morals and the woman's vote 

His "frisky matrons " well his views denote; 

A manly courage ; and a skittish breed ; 

Virtue emasculate ; of any creed ; 

A gentle rough ; and a rough gentleman ; 

A fish-wife sweet ; a lady with a fan ; 

Unfathomable folly ; wise resolve ; 

To chide e'en Gods on him it doth devolve ; 

An undigested, well-digested mass, 

Retorting Yankee impudence and sass ; 

Congruous incongruities abound ; 

A shapely trencher piled with meat unsound ; 

A mixture of all various matters known, 

A fleshly form, a pre-historic bone ; 

Society's keen critic, cant decried ; 

Pandora's box, wherein great Hope doth hide. 

The ferment works, the several blunders grow, 
Anger increases, and bad feelings glow ; 
Whilst Gladimemnon, anxious in the plight, 
Reviewed the armies, and worked day and night ; 
Summoned the chiefs, and heard the various schemes, 
For this and that, and for the Ways and Means. 

Emerging from the council, each betook 
His way to work, or club, or quiet nook, 
Revolving what would come of plans they'd laid, 
Or whether Ministers would be unmade. 
Bobilloes pondered, and determined quick 
That he to his own way would sternly stick ; 

a 



t8 The Si Had; or. 

He'd make himself and all his measures felt, 

And show subordinates the way he dealt. 

Forthwith the Treasury a minute sends, 

That no expense for any end or ends * 

Shall be incurred without his pleasure known, 

And all depend upon his will alone. 

With Bairton soon he is at daggers drawn, 

And snub meets snub, in spite of friends who warn ; 

The chaos comes, and foes see with delight 

Grave troubles rise from causes small and light. 

Meantime, great Demos, ever on the watch, 
Detects the mess, and lifts his hand to scotch 
The bad beginning of an evil course, 
Destined to yield, may be, to nought but force. 

The Gods, obedient to the public call, 
Demand a reckoning, lest their vengeance fall, 
And Crises coming to increase their strength, 
Bobilloes feels he's nearly gone his length ; 
But obstinate he stands for weeks at bay, 
Nor once his manners will he bend or stay, 
But goes from bad to w r orse, till men alarmed, 
Shout with one voice that he should be disarmed. 

" Yield up the captive that you hold in dower ; 
Phinas the shining, secret germ of power, 
The slave of millions, with the sinews strong, 
Makes war and peace, and sends the world along." 

Thus speak the gods, and in their Daily Ire, 
And Evening Wrath, and Weekly keen Satire, 



* It is said that in the original MS. of the Minute, candle- 
ends were especially referred to. The MS., however, is 
missing; so the point can never be determined. It was 
destroyed, alon^ with other compromising papers, when the 
Belitse, after the battle of Arpela, advanced to the gates of 
Babylon. 



The Siege of the Seats. 19 

The thunder booms, the gushing stream pours down, 
The earthquake mutters, and the dark clouds frown. 

Swift, Gladimemnon, then, too long supine, 
See in these portents woe to thee and thine ; 
Arrest the judgment ere it be too late, 
And ruin tumble thee from thy high state. 

So, as a lion rising from his lair, 
Growls a reproof, erects his maned hair, 
Then all the animals who own him king 
Are troubled in their minds, and small do sing ; 
Now doth the leader rouse his jaded soul, 
To cure State wounds, and make the body whole; 
Summons Australes to the regal tent, 
Who sullen ears his captain's discourse lent. 

" Bobilloes, chieftain, whom I long have borne, 
The fire begins to be a little warm ; 
Unwilling as I am your tent to move, 
For I respect you, if I do not love ; 
Yet you do draw so much the hostile shot 
The safety's doubtful of our little lot. 
Your quarters you must shift, and I will find 
A spot more sheltered, in my camp behind, 
And you must yield the yellow-coloured dame, 
Finesse by nature, Phinas whom we name." 

Bobilloes, fierce, intractable, and pert, 
Would not acknowledge he'd done any hurt. 

" To yield," he cried, " my profit and my place, 
To think there lives the man who has the face 
This to demand, though he should be the first 
In all the land ; my breast with rage doth burst ; 
And Phinas, too ! You claim her at my hands, 
And ask of me to break the metal bands 

2 — 2 



20 



The Sitiad; or, 



Which with such care and labour I've devised, 
Since in the Cave I dwelt, and Code revised ! 
You speak of hot artillery at work ; 
I like the fire of foes, and never shirk 




^g)^W. 



The heated phrase, the burning look or word ; 
They draw no blood, like Bismarck's iron sword. 



The Sieze of the Seats. 



21 



Fierce deputations I have gaily met, 
Loving with scorn and jibe my wits to whet ; 
So, when crowds come the Treasury to storm, 
I smash their calculations out of form ; 
Do I not revel when the screw I turn 
To force men pay more than their fair return ; 
Enlarging the amount beyond their means, 
And making the Commissioners my screens ? 




In sharp retort the rapier swift I thrust, 

And never leave my faculties to rust ; 

With crushing emphasis I crack their brains, 

Till members maimed depart in mortal pains. 

Oh ! I would rival the old Baron's deed 

Of drawing teeth to make the Hebrew bleed." 



22 The Siliad; or, 

" A truce, Bobilloes, to this cruel speech, 
And classics talk, and of the spreading beech. " 

Thus Gladimemnon, who, his patience tired, 
Wished in few words to say what he required ; 
But, granting Gladimemnon every praise, 
Brief speech is not one of his pretty ways. 

" We have more modes than one of compromise 
In this dilemma ; and if we're sage and wise 
We shall, in fair discussion, seek to find 
The most judicious plan success to bind. 
The Greeks, the foremost men in all the world, 
Through philosophic schools their spirits twirled ; 
Disputing, arguing from porch to porch, 
They bore aloft the light of learning's torch. 
Of all, great Socrates the highest place, 
Of that, or this, or of the coming race ; 
Plato's Imagination wins first prize, 
And Aristotle's Knowledge all outvies ; 
Sophist and Stoic taught us all we know, 
One knows the why, the other bears the blow." 

So the great leader, Gladimemnon, spoke, 
And on Bobilloes' grinding phrases broke^ 

" Considerations fill my pregnant soul, 
Demanding all philosophy's control ; 
The anxious thought, brooding anxiety, 
Courses present in great variety ; 
Far more than my first sire political, 
Who to state-service thought me fit to call, 
Was wont, when crises shrieked in hungry zest, 
To show ; three ways he gave to choose the best. 
Bobilloes, unto thee I will unfold 
Plans of which some may be more nice than 

bold, 
But careful cogitations will us teach 
What's good for both is good for all and each. 



The Siege of the Seats, 23 

Thus, one arrangement that might be proposed, 
By which our party would be fairly posed, 
Would be that you should hold your present post, 
And, likely, you'd prefer this way the most ; 
But yet, I think, we must, by prudence led, 
Decide your change from present board and bed. " 

Bobilloes heard, with grief and rage oppressed ; 
His heart swelled high and laboured in his breast. 
Distracting thoughts by turns his bosom ruled, 
Now fired by wrath, and now by reason cooled ; 
That prompts his mind to frame the deadly word, 
Denounce propriety, and cheek his lord ; 
This whispers soft his vengeance to suspend, 
And hear his leader to the distant end. 
Just as in anguish of delay he hung, 
Whilst half displayed appeared the ready tongue, 
Minerva's form, in white and sable dressed, 
Came to his eyes, and soothed his pride sore vexed. 

" Forbear, Australes," thus the goddess spake, 
" Nor this sad quarrel greater seek to make. 
Reflect what Antipodean work you did, 
And how into soft places since you've slid; 
A fair reply you have a right to make, 
Nor Gladimemnon spare, for my own sake ; 
But let revenge no longer bear the sway; 
Command thy passions, and the gods obey/ 

Not all the rage his boiling breast forsook, 
Which thus redoubling, fierce Bobilloes shook. 

" Ungrateful every one all round to me ; 
None take my part, and friends begin to flee, 
While foes who fear to meet me in the field, 
By constant clamour try to dent my shield. 



24 The Siliad; or, 

When in the Cave I dwelt, a Troglodyte, 

Both factions praised my prowess, funked my might; 

And with soft sawder strove my aid to gain, 

Knowing I'd prove their antidote or bane. 

When the Cerulean chiefs my help I gave, 

You should remember, bravest of the brave, 

Your banner tumbled on the common plain, 

Your projects injured, and your numbers slain. 

When you the war attempted to renew 

I in the State ship joined along with you ; 

And thro' the waves and breakers of five years, 

Have boldly paid off many past arrears, 

And at the bulwarks stood so sharp and stern 

That few have sought my well-laid course to turn. 

In council all my plans have been discussed ; 

And is it, Gladimemnon, fair or just, 

That I alone of all the chiefs in power 

Should suffer, since the clouds begin to low r er, 

And gods and Demos, who in couples hunt, 

Declare Bobilloes shall his carriage shunt ? 

If these proceedings end in lengthened feud, 

Not me to blame, but your ingratitude. n 

Now, Gladimemnon, moved, his war-worn face 
Showed, mobile, how his thoughts did stir apace ; 
He, indisposed to yield to menace made, 
Yet owned respect should to a chief be paid. 

" I will not quit the power that now I wield, 
Until I have the camp's dissensions healed, 
Nor will I prove unmindful of the days 
When round your head were twined the statesman's 

bays ; 
And I admit, with frankness and dispatch, 
That you have kept o'er Phinas a strict watch, 
Nor e'er allowed attacks or clever feints, 
To break your ward, by sinners or by saints, 



The Siege of the Seats. 25 

Also I will, for fairness' sake, incline, 

And say your blunders were in portion mine, 

Nor haste, because our cause looks rather down, 

To throw you over, or meet frown with frown ; 

But, as the leader in a great emprise, 

'Tis meet that I should hear the nation's cries, 

And hearing, listen ; listening, obey ; 

If conscience to the mandate saith not, Nay. 

Resist I cannot Demos and Jove's Mount ; 

On neither can I now for certain count ; 

And would I face again the battle's din, 

I must, with freshened strength, the fray begin." 

Thus Gladimemnon spoke with wise restraint ; 
Bobilloes heard, and his hard heart grew faint ; 
But yet he mustered courage all his own, 
Which will a thousand faults in men atone. 

" To whom, O chief, must I my Phinas yield, 
O, who is great enough for such a field 
Of beauty, opulence, and rounded charms, 
Which ne'er grew fertile but in my loved arms ? 
Have I not blazoned her with figures new ; 
The dragon conquered for her sovereign view ; 
Reformed the Treasures of her shining Mint ; 
Been unto her as wax, to others flint ; 
Sweet maid, and, wife, and mother all in one, 
Some man may act to thee the savage Hun, 
Despoil the coinage of my die-struck brain, 
Give currency to ill, her fair fame stain ; 
O ! what a load of grief Bobilloes bears, 
Whilst his true breast his futile passion tears." 

The first amongst the chiefs heard with some 
pain 

Bobilloes mourning in this new set strain, 

And godlike pity moved him to reply, 
And put the mourner out of agony. 



26 The Siliad; or, 

" Grieve not, you who have tended Phinas well, 
Nor let your breast with overwrought feelings swell; 
Know Gladimemnon's self alone shall wear 
This jewel of the State, Phinas the fair. 
To me the charge, and mine the pleasing task 
Service and suit to grant, whate'er she ask. 
No other hands than mine shall trace her form, 
For of all works she stands the germ and norm. 
Think well, Bobilloes, that before your hour 
Mine was the warmth that fired her latent power ; 
And Gladimemnon's genius stands confessed 
As that which showed off Phinas at her best. 
(I think that modesty is well enough; 
But when one feels one's made of real stuff, 
'Tis mauvaise honte, and not a true respect, 
Not to accept the praise one's name has decked.) 
So, not in any way to dwarf your fame, 
Nor to administer uncourteous blame 
Before the gods, or in the army's sight, 
Or show that I would wish to snub or slight ; 
Your labours to his own your chief will take, 
Whilst Brusis' tent you shall your quarters make. 
Cease, therefore, now, all sore or sad concern, 
And from past blunders let us wisdom learn.' ' 

Bobilloes heard his chief; he saw not how 
That he could make a better bargain now, 
And perforce yielded to the force of facts, 
Tho' scarce inclined to farther Brusis' Acts ; 
But still there came to him, as comes to all, 
A solace, in severest stroke or fall, 
Which made it easier to resign his love, 
And feel the meekness of the sucking dove. 
And, as he thought, his puckered brow grew smooth, 
Not with the evenness of happy youth, 



The Siege of the Seats. 27 

But smooth by courtesy, we it express, 

Altho' we mean that it was furrowed less. 

He thought of orders given to a chum, 

For labels ending with a hi,cellu?n ; 

He thought of — but time pressed; so out he spake, 

And thus his piece of humble pie did take. 

" Then, Gladimemnon, I resign the fair, 
And leave her to your future love and care ; 
The blow is less than had I seen her pass— 
Divinest treasure, thou, my golden lass, — ■ 
Into the keeping of that Neptune's son 
Who's boxed the compass and much ruin done ; 
And doth aspire, now that our seats are moved, 
Through that same love of change he's ever loved, 
To reconstruct out of his Seaman's chest 
The Nation's Locker — for poor Phinas, pressed. " 

Hear now great Jove, enthroned in ether pure 
(For now, he thinks, the chief's success is sure), 
Hear the big words, fresh from the higher spheres, 
Which all the City reverently hears. 

" Let Gladimemnon make his power felt, 
Speak out his wishes to the right and left ; 
Then subalterns will learn their work to do, 
And noisy chiefs will no more mischief brew." 



28 The Silidd; or % 



15oofe 31X 

The Trial of the Army, 



v] OW pleasing sleep had sealed each mortal 
*& ^ eye ; 

Stretched in their tents the people's leaders lie. 
Immortals, too, a few, had gone to roost, 
When Jove to Hebe said, " What is't thou brew'st ?" 

" Your usual night-cap, Phleece, I prepare, 
So that you're ready, aye, to do or dare." 

Whilst Hebe rilled the goblet, hot and sweet, 
The ruler nodded acquiescence meet ; 
Then to his glass and scheme at once applies : 
The Army to his thought now nearest lies. 

u To raise confusion in the camps of both, 
A dead lock cause — to that I'm nothing loth ; 
Appeals to me must then in course be made, 
And he will gain to whom I give my aid. 
A balanced scale well augurs for my rule ; 
Of him who wants my weight I make my tool. 
Thus, then, I speak, and all the world shall hear, 
And some who listen shall have cause to fear. 
Fly hence, deluding page, by Smitheus sent, 
To the Carltonian fields, the leader's tent, 
Where the lithe form enjoys his triumphs won ; 
Where each day something's tried, and something done. 
There, where the social arts and culture join, 
See the smooth sculpture ; or the curious coin ; 



The Sugg of the Seats. 29 

S )me rare effects :: painter's brash an 1 skill ; 
Or lis: Cecilia s lyre swe . : tones Jistil ; 

See, centred there, spoils from earth's workshops borne, 
Co:o:;:i: treasures oa:i~e:s adorn. 

(That men, mere clay, can make such things of clay, 
Shows great creative power, this Jove cloth say, 
Well worthy of their origin from gods 
And me, who in the clouds prepares his rods.) 
Greece lives with him, a glorious dream divine, 
The Muses his, not One, but all the Nine." 

So spoke great Jove, and with Morn's chariot fleet, 
Came duly to the mansion Jove's broad sheet. 
Then Gladimemnon knew the god's izzree, 
Nor judged it wise from the behest :: flee. 

The chiefs were summoned, and the words are sent 
To those who form the soldier element. 
(Thus Gladimemnon and the chiefs do will, 
And the Royal Warrant saves the lost War Bill.) 

• • X longer wealth or rank alone shall hold 
Command o'er Britain's forces, free and bold ; 
But merit and long sendee have their iue, 
And those who work — :: them the 5;: ails occrue." 

rhis law men hear, applaud, throughout the camp 
Though some are there whose courage it doth damp ; — 
Of those the courage, trusting in their Stars ; 
Noi finding in their breasts the paps of Mars ; 
Or putting faith in Garters, "s:ead of muscle, 
Have never shown their strength in any tussle. 

Now through the spreading West, the Belgrave land, 
Where lie the :e:::s jf proud Arises' band, 

Commotion moves ; and through the planted Squares, 
The " f^"/-r c " are many; so, the nests }f mares. 



3° 



The Sih'ad ; or. 



"What will great Kamduckth thay?" one lisper drawls. 
As at the bankrupt Pall Mall Club he calls. 
" He's in the swim," another swift replies ; 
" Hot wather, thin, he loiks," Obroian cries. 



ffx 



A 







Close by the clock beneath which guardsmen stride. 
And men their watches set for time and tide ; 



The Siege of the Seats, 



3* 



In the grey building, up the gloomy stair, 
Sat in close converse a congenial pair. 

One, weighty form, large head, and heavy jowl, 
Not seldom giving way to language foul, 




If roused to anger in a field day's course, 
By something wrong in infantry or horse ; 
Built on the Teuton, hear the English oaths, 
A Cousin German dressed in British clothes. 

These heavy Royals, whence comes our swearing chief, 
Will they one day produce, to men's relief, 
A fitting man for empire and rule, 
A statesman-monarch, not a precious fool ? 
(But this concern not now our mind doth fill ; 
The question stirs of British warlike skill.) 



" Of course,'' said he, of whom we've just now spoke 
" 'Twill never do, except by way of joke, 
To let Civilians meddle with the Guards — 
So we will see how best to play our cards. 
The Council has determined on a scheme, 
Which I'm obliged, tho' dubbin q* very mean, 



32 The Sill ad; c>r 9 

Not to oppose ; for this great Rout of France 
Has made our people pipe, and we must dance. 
For let ine whisper to you, Phitzjim, true, 
What they insist on we must give in to. 
You know each Tory fought it from his seat, 
And talked 'gainst time, and so the measure beat ; 
But Gladimemnon has resolved a plan 
By Royal Warrant to support his man ; 
And though it's sailing very near the wind, 
Monarch's prerogative can loose or bind, 
Thus, then, we stand on unaccustomed ground ; 
The thing with me has never favour found, 
Which, though I could not openly reject, 
I've worked our friends to damage, with effect." 

" Fear not, O very valiant chief in peace ; 
Still, we'll contrive to shear the golden fleece ; 
The Argonauts at home we'll boldly play, 
And princely Kamdux yet shall win the day. 
They would with their reforms control the Guards,— 
'Twould be as easy to repress Welsh bards : — 
Not that we'll imitate the Cambrian rage ; 
Another way our war with Whigs we'll wage." 

With heavy ear the stout-built soldier heard, 
The Teuton blood reluctant to be stirred, 
Whilst the companion courtier of his nights, 
And sad beholder of Crimean frights, 
Rallied gross Kamdux on the Horse Guard plains, 
And to his chief his strategy explains. 

" Brother-in-arms," Kamdux the Big replied, 
" It is unpleasant to be thus defied, 
To find our officers must something learn, 
And those who can't, to others yield the turn. 



The Siege of the Seats. 33 

When what they merit call comes to the fore, 

How know I what for us may be in store ? 

Our patronage, appointments, at an end, 

What can you do, or I, to serve a friend ? 

Think you that I'll be left chief in the land, 

Where rank can't claim or fortune buy command ? 

If this infernal business proceeds, 

Farewell to German counts and Horse Guard deeds." 

" My lusty Dux, you're given too much to blues, 
Be not oppressed with thoughts of what you'll lose ; 
Think rather of the good times that we've had, 
While yet our Constitution feared no Rad. 
Look back and see how kind have been the fates ; 
Read Russell's letters, or search Haydn's Dates. 
The Active Sen-ice that we've seen, how small ; 
But then how great our squabbles with Pall Mall 3 
Just a few weeks in the Crimean War, 
Where you behaved so well, so bravely swore ; 
When the famed flank march after Alma's day 
Scared Menschikotl and Cossacks clean away; 
That finished, the beleaguered fortress stood 
Bombardment futile, and our walls of wood ; 
Todleben's works rose tomb-like on our sight, 
And sad and sorry was our army's plight. 
Then came the rally at red Inkermann ; 
That soldier's battle did us quite unman, 
Where, Coldstreams slaughtered and poor Cathcart 

dead, 
Many their lives lost, others lost their head. 
Then, invalided, hindward left your prow 
Tartarean shore, and Balaklava slough ; 
That wintry passage of the bleak Black Sea, 
What wonder then you felt deep misery ; 
St. Iago's pile despaired to view again, 
Fearing to founder in the Euxine main. 

3 



34 The Siliad ; or^ 

Such recollections, good to bear in mind, 
Though painful to the heart that's o'er refined. 
Ah ! deeply I bewailed the frightful sight ; 
Th' ambrosial curls I wore were turned to white, 
And the soft hands which duchesses had pressed 
Were with a muddy mixture soiled and messed. 
Let paint who will the scenes of glorious war, 
They'll never catch rne leaving England more ; 
Your country's call may have a pretty sound 
To greenhorns ; let the clarions resound, 
For those who like fields far and hot fought fights ; 
But I prefer cool days— and quiet nights." 



" Why thus recall," husked now the ropy voice, 
" Objects o'er which none ever can rejoice ; 
The vision of the dark and gloomy fray, 
Where starving soldiers in the trenches lay ; 
The scarlet corses on that cursed field, 
Where crops of Taurid grass now fatly yield ? 
Plunged that crank ship, with bad news homeward 

bound, 
Thro' watery hills raised like a funeral mound; 




Her prow ploughed sullen thro' the darkling seas 3 
What time I laboured on my bending knees ; 



The Siege of the Seats, 35 

The horrors of that cabin none can know, 

My tears would find their way, would weakly flow." 

His handsome henchman Kamdux strove to soothe ; 

" Take comfort, liege, all will in turn run smooth. 
Your place is permanent, whilst theirs will change 
Who strive our ease and comfort to derange. 
Again, I say, we will their Control baulk, 
So that their schemes shall sound so much tall talk; 
We'll take a leaf out of the clergy's book, 
And w T ith 'non possumus,' no minutes brook; 
We'll boldly point, with undiminished pride, 
To Alma's heights and Balaklava's ride ; 
The awkward charge to burke we will contrive, 
Of flitting danger, under which you writhe ; 
And make the easy crowd with us believe, 
Private affairs and urgent made us leave. " 

The wily counsel he doth thus impart 
Gives his desponding chief a little heart ; 
And to confirm the plan thus newly laid, 
An old adviser Kamdux calls to aid. 

Experience of men and State affairs, 
And exercise of influence, called back-stairs, 
Had sharpened up a sense already keen, 
And Phrater at the Horseguards reigned supreme. 
A treasure to his chief, hard-working sub, 
Some forced to flatter, some to duly snub, 
He kept the reins of power well within hand, 
And weighed the substance of each new demand ; 
Putting it briefly for a due response ; 
If out of order, then 'twas shelved at once. 
Unthankful office, oftentimes perhaps, — 
It brought some Kudos, but some hardish raps. 

3-2 



36 The Siliad; or, 

With due announcement Phrater entrance makes, 
And near Kamdux a close position takes ; 
Then, grave and serious, heard the stated case, 
And thus in words his argument did base : 

" There is much reason for our anxious thought ; 
Because, in all the battles we have fought, 
I mean home conflicts with civilians tried — ■ 
The bloodless field where nobody has died — 
We hitherto have lain in ambuscade, 
And had no reason then to feel afraid. 
That time is nearly o'er ; nor should we boast, 
'Twill last our lives ; for coming is a host 
Of enemies, determined, and astute, 
Who, till they've routed us, will ne'er be mute. 
Therefore, I think, with all submission due 
To you, my chief, and Phitzjim, to you, too, 
It will be wiser to decline the fight, 
And make conditions, ere we're ruined quite. 
Besides, although to say it is bad form, 
There is a solid reason for reform 
Shown us in what can't be at all mock'd at — 
Poor France knocked silly, into a cocked hat. 
What should we do, if on a sudden called, 
The empire to defend, unarmed, unwalled ? 
We should, in my opinion, wholly fail, 
And then what risk to us would that entail ! 
The nation not alone would feel defeat 
In beaten army, and a foundered fleet ; 
But Guelphic court and family would know 
The fierceness of a people's savage woe." 

" Phrater, my comrade, do you then propose," 
Phitzjim, the fading beau, did interpose, 
" To give up to Civilians in Pall Mall, 
And yield the status that we've held so well ; 



The Siege of the Seats. 37 

Because, forsooth, hostilities may test 
Our power too much after our peaceful rest ? 
Altho' there's cause to ponder, that I own, 
Agree I cannot in your doleful tone ; 
For, I believe, with great Napier, in fact, 
No matter how our generals may act, 
Our soldiers are in pluck no whit decayed, 
They'll fight us out of every blunder made. 
Why, then, should we. in trouble sit and fume, 
As if we'd met to hear our final doom ? 
Pluck up a spirit, we can lick them ail 
If we from one another never fall." 

Kamdux, however, was by Phrater moved, 
And saw that him it certainly behoved 
To listen to the prudent counsels given, 
Unless he'd see himself kicked out or driven. 

" Good friend and Phrater, though our birth is high, 
You have in many ways, we can't deny, 
Served us ; more true and firm than our own race, 
Who thought us wanting in some Coburg grace. 
Still, of the dear departed speak no ill ; 
Towards the young branches we feel all good will ; 
Indeed, in this we're with the Coming K — , 
For when we're sick, he's not far off decay. 
I say you have your trust to us performed, 
Have held your counsel, and kept us informed 
Of all the matters useful we should know, 
Whom friend to count, and whom we'd find our foe 
Now that great questions o'er our head impend, 
And Damocles' s sword they may suspend, 
We would no trifling wish, but real advice ; 
'Tis time to give up throwing with the dice. 
Great Chance our kin has wonderfully served, 
Scarce once from us hath Fortune ever swerved, 



38 The Siliad ; of y 

And though the Coming K — was indiscreet, 
His easy nature, Demos frank doth greet ; 
We feel our work must now be better done ; 
To learn the art of war no chief must shun ; 
To save our soldiers' lives must be our care ; 
Not wantonly or wickedly to dare ; 
Six Hundred charging through a Vale of Death 
May make the world in horror hold its breath ; 
But such a blunder proves a want of skill 
In what we have to learn — the trade to kill." 

Thus burly Kamdux in his words expressed 
How his new thoughts should be new clad and dressed ; 
His boding fancies had oppressed him sore, 
And, fairly frightened, just as once before, 
He went for prudence, goodness, and all that, 
A prince of all the virtues now he sat. 

And slow he turned on Phitzjim his full face, 
To whom the gross man of the German race : 

" Say, then, my ready reiter, w T hat in store 
For Britain's fortunes in the coming war, 
What your belief of victory or loss, 
When from the path of peace to strife she'll cross ? 
Now that the Fatherland her foe has crushed, 
And segregating Teutons, South, are hushed, 
The Balance is inclined another way, 
The Gallic bird is not the Cock to-day. 
In the next conflict, who will be our foes ? 
Will they be worthy of Great Britain's blows, 
And shall we, warmed with martial ardours rise, 
And, save the warriors' needs, all Arts despise ? " 

" My chief, you ask with noble care and thought, 
Both by your high place and your lineage taught, 



The Siege of the Seats, 39 

Questions of great concern unto the State, 

More to be solved by foresight than by fate, 

O ! grievous shame that malcontents should rail, 

And your fair fame in prose and verse assail, 

Ascribing to yoursel-f a selfish aim, 

An alien's fancies ; and all kinds of blame ; 

O ! did they know th' anxieties of power, 

They'd ne'er believe that bliss there found its bower. " 

Thus Phitzjim, half in cheek and more in chaff, 
Did gird at Kamdux with a cynic laugh, 
And, coolly, criticism did deride, 
Nil admirari, 'xcept himself, his guide. 
A careless smile just turned his well-formed lips, 
As when an aged youth love's nectar sips ; 
He'd seen so much of earthly joys and charms, 
Had" felt how little pleases, little harms, 
That all sensations found in him their death 
Almost before they'd drawn their first full breath ; 
Still-born they came, forth from their father's breast, 
Where not much heart beat 'neath his well-made vest. 

A blase lion, thus, sans teeth and claws, 
Regards his young cubs following Nature's laws, 
In their fierce loves for spouses leonine, 
Which mangled forms and bleeding hearts define. 
The once grand maned beast well knows, alas ! 
That pang-full hopes of love and hate will pass, 
And leave a body, worn, exhausted, prone, 
With one sole wish— wish to be let alone. 

The heavy Kamdux smiled a weighty smile, 
His beamful face showed Phitzjim had struck ile ; 
The pleasant Cynic followed his success, 
And proved, in ending, all his old address, 



40 The Siliad; or, 

1 ' To me not given such great affairs to treat, 
For them I have not force, or power, or heat ; 
The smaller matters of the town I mind, 
And leave to bigger brains the larger kind. 
Let Phrater here your serious questions sate ; 
His care to foster, annotate, and date, 
Whilst I, less glorious, care for nought but ease, 
My form, that pilgrim sage who boiled his pease ; 
Speak, w T orking chief, let Kamdux hear your views, 
Broad as Church doctrines, narrow as Church pews." 

Kamdux, the hero of the dual state, 
Where Scarlet Cloth with Red Tape tries to mate, 
Where doubled heads do not make twofold brains, 
And Orders Old spoil Gladimemnon's pains ; 
Kamdux urged Phrater to divulge his hoard 
Of useful knowledge for his anxious lord. 

Phrater had heard his chief, and know T s as well 
As if Kamdux the secret would him tell, 
The reasons for the change of sentiment, 
Which in his speech had been so evident. 
Pleased with the mood, and wishing it may last, 
He thus decides the future and the past. 

" Great Kamdux, leader chosen by the State, 
Both for your valour and your high estate, 
I would not flatter, but would fain confirm 
What I believe would be the fertile germ 
Of such an army as o'er all would soar, 
Passive in peace, but active in the war. 
What our own plans for our own special good 
Just for the moment put aside I would, 
And take a survey of the fighting ground, 
What to our vantage and reverse around ; 



The . Siege of the Scats. 4 i 

Reckon the enemies we may engage, 

And with what powers we might the conflict wage. 

Our neighbour France stands so well in our love, 

That scarce this age will see our forces move 

In anger 'gainst our old chivalric foe, 

Whom we have learned to like the more we know. 

There's scarce a question could arise, besides, 

Where the two nations took opposing sides ; 

Her interest is ours ; it lies in peace, 

The healing of her wounds ; faction's surcease. 

She has her work to do, no labour light ; 

And we enough, to keep our vessel tight. 

With France's hated foe, the Teuton tribes, 

To whom the world in general ascribes 

The greatest power in European fields, 

We have no score, which chance of conflict yields. 

Eastward our empire lies, and on that road 

From Germany there's nothing to forebode ; 

Northward she wishes on the seas to stand, 

And yearns for Baltic fleets with Northmen manned. 

Let her build ships, as many as she may, 

Not ours to give approval, or say nay ; 

If she's as lucky in that way as we, 

She'll find them an expensive luxury. 

And Kaiser Francis Joseph, what of him, 

And his white-coated troops, -whose fame is dim 

Before Von Moltke's exploits, which have sank 

Dane, Hanoverian, Austrian, and Frank ? 

The Magyars, Germans, Croats, and the Czechs, 

Nursed by mild Austria, our rule won't vex ; 

To wish her stronger is our proper hope, 

Both to resist the Prussian and the Pope. 

The power that holds the castles twain, 

Sestos, Abydos, dear in lovers' strain : 

Sestos, in Europe, where loved Hero wept ; 

Abydos, Asian ; thence Leander leapt 



42 



The Sili ad ; or, 



Into the Hellespontine waves, to swim, 
Seeing love's signal o'er the waters dim, 




To Hero's arms ; alas ! before her eyes, 

He sinks ; to him the priestess leaps and dies. 

" Phrater," a little malice in his tone, 
Speaks Kamdux, fi you have loosely flown 
From the intention of your speech, to wit, 
Whether we were to fight— fit or unfit. 
A new phase of your mind I seem to see ; 
I knew not you were given to poesy. " 



" Your pardon, liege, I ask ; but classic thought 
Will intervene more often than it ou^ht ; 



The Siege of the Seats. 

And love's sweet theme Kamdux will never blame, 

For he has known romance in deed and name ; 

What blissful days, without our Sisters fair, 

Should we not miss ; — what sweet and loving care ; 

Besides, though Mid' sex magistrates may doubt, 

There's no true life with woman's love left out. 

But I was speaking of the Sublime Porte 

(A subject fitting th' aldermanic forte) ; 

To aid the Sultan when he's been distressed, 

To see his pockets filled, his red wounds dressed, 

Has been the care of England auld lang syne ; 

We've stuck to him in weather foul or fine. 

(Except, indeed, in Xavarino's bay, 

'Tis pity that e'er broke that untoward day.) 

I know there is of orators a school, 

And men in Parliament, grave men and cool, 




Who think our efforts in this role all wrong, 

And mind not whether Turkey's weak or strong, 



44 



The Siliad; or, 



To these opinions I am full opposed, 
And to agree with Pitt am more disposed, 
Who said he would not argue 'gainst the thought 
Which Turkish independence counted nought. 
The public peace I would not lightly break ; 
But the assurance I'd to Europe make, 
That there are two spots on the Continent, ) 

Which, by us Islanders, 'tis clearly meant > 

Shall not change hands without our full consent. J 
The one to Europe's cock-pit is our track, 
Once there, the world would never drive us back ; 
The Eastern gate the other, where live shells 
Can fires cross athwart the Dardanelles. 
Who'd either touch must first break through our rule- 
One, Belgian Antwerp; two, the Turk's Stamboul. 
For the old Flemish pert no cause for fear, 
Too much at variance its neighbours near ; 




The Frank and Teuton will each other watch, 
The one the other's best-laid schemes to botch," 



The Siege of the Sects. 

Now, Kamclux, interrupting Phrater' s course, 
Suggested lunch to give the speaker force ; 
And Phrater, not unwilling, took his seat, 
And played good knife and fork at bird and meat ; 
These, with some Manzanilla, dry, washed down, 
Kamdux looked flushed, and Phrater did not frown, 

" The only danger lies," the soldier spake, 
" In English sleepiness ; we're not awake 
To hopes and plans which long ago were framed, 
And which as yet we have not fairly maimed. 
The side to look for breakers' whitening froth 
Is Peter's land, the Giant of the North. 
Sure, one day, is a duel 'tween the pair — 
The British Bull-dog and the Russian Bear* 



45 




For this impending conflict we should train ; 
The cold defy, and map the Baltic main ; 
Send hardy sailors to the Northern Sea ; 
Let Scotia our autumn army see ; 
Try expeditions 'gainst chalk cliffs ; on sand ; 
Teach transport service ; and the way to land ; 



4 6 



The Siliad; or, 



Provisions seek the best for cold and heat, 
(This work's well done at present for the fleet); 

H 




Engage in mimic battles along shore, 
Show boat service and e cutting out,' galore ; 
Land the marines ; take a strong seaward fort ; 
And teach our captains to know every port. 




Let yachtsmen all learn gun-drill as they cruise, 
So that our enemy might never snooze ; 



■j 



The Siege of the Seats. 



47 



Our hunting. men break horses to stand fire, 
And boys on Exmoor ponies never tire. 
More combination must be brought about 
Between the sendees ; so, when called out, 




For actual active work, they'll know their place, 
And give a good account of any race. 
If 'twas the Prussian Stein's great praise to form 
A system which raised up, o'er wreck and storm 
Of French invasion and Napoleon's grasp, 
Poor Prussia prone, almost at her last gasp ; — 
If Stein was right at all, most right in so 
That he saw clearly what the work to do, 
And measuring means, and weighing well the ways, 
Established Prussian power. To him all praise. 
The three arms of the service, all were taught 
The w T ay in which great battles had been fought ; 
How the swift Buonaparte had tactics changed, 
And all the old arrangements had deranged. 
Thus, then, they argued, only shall we know, 
When in the face of France, our certain foe, 
By what was done, what may be tried again, 
And we our due revenge may haply gain. 
Then, the Manoeuvres in the autumn time, 
With men from all ranks chosen in their prime, 



48 The Siliad ; or, 

The Prussian army formed, to march their course, 

And, men to men, encounter force with force. 

A hundred steel guns Essen forges yield, 

Furnish artillery, for siege or field ; 

Practised alike to turn, to stop, to chase, 

To dare the shock or urge the rapid race ; 

Secure with these, thro' fighting fields they go, 

And on to Paris, if they beat their foe. 

The horse, in thousands, learn their duties rough, 

And Uhlans three were often found enough 

To fright a city into peaceful guise, 

When fighting might have been by far more wise." 

"Remember," Kamdux said, "this game was played 
When France on Prussia contributions laid ; 
Strong garrisons surrendered to a guard, 
Accepting any terms, however hard ; 
And a whole army laid their weapons down, 
Tricked by a fraud and by Napoleon's frown. 
When once a panic seizes on a land, 
Men bow, like cowards, 'neath the first strong hand." 

" True, captain mine," Phrater at once replied, 
" Napoleon's genius alike defied 
The armies mustered and the peasant war ; 
Quenching sans merci all in German gore. 
Let us take warning by the sudden stroke 
Dealt at the heart by strategist Von Moltke ; 
Let preparation's trumpet sound th' alarm, 
So that the enemy may have it warm. 
No rose-water suggestions to the camp, 
To dull the fire, or warlike heat to damp ; 
No telegrams, ' Take care of Doub,' we'll send; 
But those our foes in every way offend. 
If war we mean, let's fight it at our best, 
Sooner 'twill end and gain the nation rest. 



The Siege of the Scats. 49 

There'll be no child's play in the Russian hug, 
'Twill bea ' screamer,' and a frightful tug. 
His millions follow blind their sacred Czar, 
And Holy Russia's arm can carry far. 
But we can farther reach, and harder hit, 
When once we're in it. and are feeling fit; 
But at the outset we oft get the worst, 
Untrained, unready, blundering at first. 
To close this era of unreadiness, 
Which in the past has injured England less 
Than would reverses at the present day, 
Our generals and admirals must lay 
Good heads together, and combine a force 
Of jackets blue, marines, red-coats, and horse. 
(Tho' horse marines have been a general joke, 
They'd find them admirably work, in yoke.) 
By sea and land, manoeuvres, well combined, 
Controlled and settled by a single mind ; 
These are what Britain needs as warlike sports, 
Familiar to our garrisons and ports. 

" Amphibious, we live at seaside towns, 
See Brighton's Boulevard 'neath the Sussex 

Downs, 
"Where miles of mansions stretch along the shore ; 
But not content, and still desiring more, 
Men build great water-rooms for devils odd, 
And Buckland cultures crocodiles and cod. 
Amphibious, too, our warfare as our peace, 
And wish we still our power to increase, 
We must consult the genius of our race, 
And join the services in strict embrace ; 
Learn to unlimber guns on shifting sand, 
To fight, one foot on sea, and one on land, 
So that on either element we're free, 
Like Admiral Blake, the General at sea." 



50 The Siliad; or, 

" In this war that you sketch, who our ally, 
Or shall we, single, the great Czar defy ? " 
Kamdux inquired, with symptoms though distressed, 
'Twas half an hour since he had been refreshed. 

" In England's quarrel with the Muscovite, 
All Europe's nations might be neutral quite ; 
For our concern would be no other's care ; 
A question, simply, of the Eastern share 
Which Russ or Briton should henceforward claim, 
Answered, alas! to be thro' blood and flame !" 

Here Phrater paused, and gathering frowns expressed 
His fancies were with serious thoughts oppressed. 

"It is not sure, however, Kamdux, chief, 
And passes not old facts or new belief, 
That Russia's claws will ever be displayed 
Till Britain's fortunes seem fringed out and frayed ; 
Then, like a bird, the double head and beak, 
She'll sudden swoop ; ready, revenge to wreak 
For razed Sebastopol and sunken ships ; 
For Black Sea clauses and forts blown to chips. 
But Europe knows the Russian rule and yoke, 
The whips that crack, the wheel that patriots 

broke ; 
Europe knows England, too, and will not side 
'Gainst her for Russia's 'grandizement and pride. 
Thus, we may count, if no ally we find, 
No foe in Europe with the Czar combined. 
Yet, far removed from fear of Russian hordes, 
A nation lives, whose sympathetic chords 
Should sound with ours, from lineage and blood — 
Our Western cousin, now on fortune's flood. 
Yet who for aid would on Columbia call 
Would find their trust and hope chimerical ; 
To Russia's side more surely she inclines, 
And serve, one day, she will the Czar's designs. 



The Siege of the Seats. 



5i 



With jealousy of England, and ill-will, 

Bred by the speaker's tongue, the writer's quill, 

Nourished on school books, false and fraudulent, 

By politicians fed, and government, 

What wonder that, her English blood worked out, 

Columbia supports the scourge, the knout ? 

With Russia ever in close amity, 

'Tis sure that in our next calamity, 

These two will be upon our hands to fight. 

Here stands a quarrel worthy of our might." 

"Your words are awful, Phrater," Kamdux groaned ; 
"America and Russia ! " and he moaned ; 




" Their forces joined would be a fearful host, 
One hundred millions and a half they boast ; 
How could our thirty such an onslaught break, 
As they might on our shores and empire make ?" 



" Briefly the fortunes of the war I'll trace," 
Said Phrater, calm of voice and face. 
" Our side would have of thousands Volunteers, 
One hundred and a half ; of them no fears 
That they will fight : intelligent and sound, 
As any men in any nation found. 



5 2 The Siliad; or, 

Not o'er- well officered and disciplined ; 
For these drawbacks quick remedy we'd find. 
Next the Militia, of a number like, 
Material good, the type of terrier tyke ; 
These, fairly officered, work well at drill, 
And we could soon improve their present skill. 
Then, our old regulars, tks redcoats stern — 
Steady and stubborn, never known to turn. 
One hundred thousand and a half of these 
Would scarcely let their foemen stand at ease ; 
Besides, reductions in our army made 
During past years have the foundations laid 
Of a much larger force than critics state, 
Who always anxious seem our strength to bate. 
A grand half million first-rate troops in all, 
In line, militia, and reserves at call, 
For foreign service we could ready fit, 
And calm at home in our tight island sit.'? 

" Granted great efforts this result could bring, 
Would these large numbers stand for anything 
JVgainst the forces such as they could raise, 
Columbian democrats and Russian slaves?" ■ 
Kamdux, scarce confident, this question put, 
Clearly not hot to see this game afoot. 

" I calculate, just as the Yankees score, 
That for each man we have they'd show us four ; 
Good stuff Americans would likewise prove, 
And Russians take a lot before they move ; 
The bad side of the game I wish to show, 
So that to meet the shock we'd learn to know. 
Now for the other portion of the sport, 
The Kriegsj)iel on the sea, that's more our sort. 
Our cousins' navy yards, denuded quite 
Of what would count in the next naval fight, 



The Siege of the Scats. 



53 



Could never be replenished in a war, 

Though more protracted than e'er war before. 

So, but in less degree, could never hope 

The Russian fleet with British fleet to cope ; 

Though we might wish to test our real strength, 

The two combined would meet us, yard arm's length, 

All that these two could do, in efforts fierce, 

They'd do, our first line of defence to pierce ; 

And Holy Muscovy would strain her reach, 

Irreverend Jonathan ' New Gospels ' preach, 

Both every sinew crack to build new ships, 

And lay down novel structures on their slips. 

But for each one constructed by the twain, 

We'd build a dozen for the Spanish main, 




Right size and draft, and every water swarm ; 
Seas frozen, inhospitable or warm; 
Thus would our empire of the seas endure; 
Each day Britannia's sway the more make sure ; 



54 The Siliad; or. 

Until, predominant, our flag would float 

From turret, forec'stle, and decked gun-boat. 

Nought, when the seas' command we English hold, 

Have we to fear for loved ones in our fold ; 

Secure, in safety absolute, his home, 

A man cares little what to him may come. 

Our colonies, tho' half-way round earth's girth ; 

Stations for coal, which owe to steam their birth ; 

The islands dotted amid ocean's space ; 

These dwelt in, guarded, held by our own race, 

Inviolate, would rest from vain attack, 

Safe from all harm with England at their back." 

" But, Phrater, hearken to the fears confessed 
At many a table where our men have messed, 
That Canada's a vulnerable point, 
Where Jonathan might pierce our harness-joint." 
So Kamdux, who, unhappy in his mind, 
Would to the speaker's scheme objections find. 

" Our critics in the press have often shown 
That if we would not Canada disown, 
But fight her quarrels as we'd fight cur own, 
Flesh as they are of ours, bone of our bone, 
America would have us at her mercy there, 
And so to war with her we would not dare. 
Alas ! such critics leave out of their sums 
The factor whence a human quarrel comes. 
Dislike ; an insult ; something in the air ; 
An unknown nothing past all common care ; 
A party's need ; a politician's card ; 
A drunken captain ; or a quean's regard. 

' 'We're old enough, forsooth, to recollect 
How Wilkes' exploit did all minds affect ; 



The Siege of the Seats. 55 

The Trent, a British steamer, on her way 
With peaceful mails, a war-ship did waylay, 
The San Jacinto ; boarding with armed men, 
The Yankee cap'n swore that there and then 
He'd have, and took from the Trent's British 

deck, 
Two Southern Rebels ; nought did either reck, 
Secessionist or Wilkes, what ill might rise ; 
So Stars and Stripes bore off the two-fold prize. 
Came to our shores the news, and each man fel-t 
A blow of real import had been dealt ; 
(What's said of England, England little cares, 
But who would strike her, a grave action dares ;) 
Thro' crowded marts of commerce ; in the streets ; 
Within th' Exchange ; when one another meets ; 
In train ; in omnibus ; at club ; at home ; 
In sacred edifice ; 'neath gilded dome ; — 
One feeling stirs, an audible clear throb : 
* By God ! this is, indeed, an awkward job ; ' 
And men confessed, with sorrowful resolve, 
There was but one way the affair to solve ; 
The men, who had been taken from the ship, 
Must be surrendered ; else the war-dogs slip. 

" The chiefs, of one mind with the larger mass, 
Prepare their plans, and to quick action pass ; 
Troops to Canadian shores were hotly sent, 
And a demand to vain Columbia went, 
Couched in firm tone — politely suave, of course- 
Asking release of those she'd seized by force. 
Wisdom prevailed in Transatlantic breasts, 
Columbian coves were not yet pirates' nests. 
Restored to British custody and care, 
Mason and Slidell — these their two names were— 
Our honour satisfied ; foiled, Wilkes's plot, 
The insult's pardoned, and the thing forgot, 



56 The Siliad ; or, 

" By us forgot, but not by Lincoln's men, 
They join not Wilkes's exploit to condemn ; 
But, soon promoted for the valiant deed, 
A model he's held up, of Yankee breed. 
There was no valour in what Wilkes had done, 
It was a business brave men would shun ; 
A piece of what they call sharp practice there, 
Dishonourable, however, anywhere." 

" But why, good Phrater, do you on this dwell ?" 
Yawned Kamdux, who long sittings bore not well; 
u Suppose we have a smoke, so not to tire, 
There's always some where there is so much lire. ,, 
This, as a joke, though weak, took very well ; 
Not more's expected from a gorgeous swell. 
The Sacred Flame scarce owns this kind of thing, 
But Kamdux don't his bon-mots broadcast fling, 
And when he's nought to utter that's more fit, 
He tries to coin some German-silver wit. 

Content was Phrater ; wives greet husbands' puns, 
Though oft repeated as the calls of duns ; 
And servants learn their masters' jokes to praise, 
Contrive to chuckle, and a laugh to raise. 
So Phrater did; and, spite Dean Close's frown, 
Nicotian balm to breathe, each settled down. 
One now the Meerschaum draws, coloured with use, 
And two, cigars from Cuba's plants produce ; 
So doth ripe age the social leaf enjoy, 
The seasoned man thro' sickness of the boy. 

" I want to show the way to treat our friends, 
Is that which true, fair men never offends. 
I want to make it known to all concerned, 
Just like a Latin lesson we have learned ; 



The Siege of the Seats. 57 

To have it dinned into the public ear, 

Thro' Tribune, Nation; the press there and here; 

Herald proclaim it, and the Courant show 

What England wants America to know. 

We think we have been sorely sold, humbugged, 

That we long time a gross delusion hugged, 

In our belief that Arbitration Courts 

Would settle wrongs, or what the law calls torts. 

We do not pardon the flagitious claims — 

Call them, or damages, " tries-on," or shames — 

Which, spite of honour pledged, and given word, 

Columbia urged, and the Tribunal heard. 

These indirect monstrosities suffice 

To prove that Yankees are by no means nice ; 

And, when " there's money in it," they will act 

Regardless of arrangements or a pact. 

They have no care for what is "understood," 

And which, with men of honour, more holds good 

Than what is written in plain black and white, 

On legal help less resting, than on right. 

Such men, whether Republican or Royal, 

Are fraudulent, dishonest, and disloyal ; 

They are not gentlemen, but sorry knaves, 

With no just deeds that shine, no faith that saves. 

In further questions by Columbia raised, 

I'd have her know her worth we have appraised ; 

With us her name stands lowest on the list, 

And from good company it must be missed. 

" This generation remembered not 
The Pennsylvania thieves, and what they got 
From our forbears, their honest hard-won stores; 
How they repudiated debts by scores ; — 

We kept no note of this bad state of things, 
But thought the shame that comes, the scorn that 
Stings, 



58 



The Siliad; or. 



When men or nations against honour sin, 

Would rouse Americans fair fame to win. 

Mistaken we ; now Fisk, then Vanderbilt, 

Or Tweed, covered each front of brass with gilt, 

Assures us that their morals are the same, 

In the Political or Business game. 

And not content with schemings done at home, 

They set up Banking, paint a precious dome, 

Here in the Strand, close against Charing Cross, 

And cheat the people in a way most gross ; 

Then, after, still determined on a raid, 

Come men of education, not afraid 

To test their forging powers in Note and Bill, 

With cheek abundant, and consummate skill. 




" With men of this class, but one way to deal,- 
Tell them at once exactly how you feel ; 



The Siege of the Seats. 



59 



Put your foot down, and let them know your will, 
And they'll subside, and swallow the blue pill. 
The Alabaina case was badly done ; 
Our kindly feeling common sense outrun ; 
Bedstor was right ; he told them to their head 
That we had suffered, too, if they had bled ; 
We'd done our best to keep the neutral side, 
But that our folks would not their leanings hide ; 
Some wished the Northern side a swift success, 
Others were Southern, siding with the less. 
It was Columbia's work to watch the seas, 
And clear them of the pirate wasps and bees ; 
While, if the Alabama was too swift, 
Not ours, but theirs, the cause to duly sift ! 



" But other counsels came, and thence arose 
Negotiations for a final close 




Of all the questions pending 'tween the two, 
And all the losses caused by ship or crew. 



Co 



The Si Had ; or, 



From out of these grew the Geneva farce, 

Where low-bred impudence, and Yankee brass, 

Almost sufficed to break his patience down, 

Who with his form the woolsack now doth crown. 

For this Tribunal listened — more the shame — 

To plaints 'gainst Britain's statesmen and fair fame ; 

And honoured names of England's proudest peers, 

Famous by worth and birth, made food for jeers, 

Contumely and insult, rank and gross, 

To gain Columbia a little dross. 

" Shall we be mocked before the world again — 
Shall we, who are so anxious to maintain, 
In every dealing with a foreign land, 
A fair, straightforward course, and open hand, 
Expose ourselves to such a wretched end,— 
To be offended, and yet not defend ? 




" 'Twas better far that England had withdrawn 
When, in Columbia's printed case and form, 



The Siege of the Seats. 61 

Appealed these charges and these rotten claims, 
For which, in truth, there are no fitting names. 

" Did men bring such a case before our bench, 
Something they'd quickly hear would make them blench, 
And all their evidence would tainted stand, 
And all their oaths would wear a doubtful brand, 
Due to such rascals' words and actions worse, 
Who'd cheat their friends, if they could fill their purse. 

" The next time that we have a case to make, 
I'd put it plainly and with no mistake— 
I'd state my mind about the thing outright ; 
If we were wrong, we'd pay ; if right, we'd fight." 

Kamdux had snoozed, but now his fat he shook, 
And Phrater told he talked quite like a book ; 
He didn't want to hear about that stuff, 
Long time ago he'd had of that enough. 

" Then, gracious chief, I will at once proceed 
With what I own I have deferred, indeed, 
The manner of the war we'd wage, if stirred, 
To fight the hugging bear and spreading bird. 

" Along a frontier of a thousand miles, 
Open to Fenian raids, Columbian wiles, 
The new Dominion lies, a virgin land 
(Except when sullied by the railway band). 
Large in extent, but small in numbers yet, 
Canadian lands Columbia would fret ; 
The Yankees' boots would likely tread her soil, 
Although they'd have to reckon blood and toil. 
Canadian riflemen would bring some down, 
And make them owners of an effete crown ; 



62 The Siliad ; or, 

Hard-shells, Know-nothings would thereby become, 

And speakers on the stump grow sudden dumb. 

Toronto city, and old Montreal, 

To Yankee arms might, undishonoured, fall ; 

St. John's and Ottawa might follow suit — 

How Gordon Bennett would these victories bruit ! 

" Now, on the other side, let's think and view 
What the old country with the new could do ; 
On the St. Lawrence and the Lakes our ships 
Would take their pleasure in some warlike trips, 
Troubling the camps of Jonathan with shot, 
And making many things a little hot. 
Communications Uncle Sam would find 
Were not so easy, were they ne'er so kind, 
And a siege train is not an easy job, 
Though managed by a democratic mob. 
Canadian heats are strong, the winters hard, 
Excesses both, which please the hardy Guard, 
Though not acceptable to raw recruits 
Who shirk the ploughing time, but like the fruits. 
Weary and hot, or cold and badly housed, 
The Yankee nature 'd get sadly roused, 
And Congress would be asked what was this same, 
Which didn't seem to be a winning game. 

"A short, a brilliant, a decisive war, 
Would suit the Yankees to the very core ; 
Their vanity and boasting would be fed, 
And interviewers would be largely bred 
To sound the gen'rals on the great campaign, 
And with veracities the paper stain. 
But a long tussle they'd not like at all, 
Neither at sweet spring-time, nor in the fall. 
Begun by a blockade, the war forbids 
All champagne vintage, and all Paris kids. 



The Siege cf the Seats, 

No immigrants arriving in the bay, 
Who are Columbia's chief strength and stay ; 
No loans from Europe; threatened all their shores, 
They'd soon be bleeding from their own dear pores. 

" Now, bleeding others is all very well ; 
(Bear Yankees, in Phlebotomy, the bell ;) 
And when their lancet's done its work enough 
On other nations, tender, sweet, or tough ; 
When nothing more's obtainable, in short, 
Columbia enters slick the bankrupts' court. 
Then distant creditors may shout or rave, 
Repudiation is the federal grave 
Of payments due and promises to pay — 
They've had your tin, and don't care what you say. 

" But when are widely opened their own veins, 
And Yankee Bonds do not mean Yankee gains, 
Greenbacks or fronts will be no longer sought, 
Where men are none to sell, then none are bought. 




Thus, forcibly, will be Columbia cleansed, 

Evil, Great Nature, thus with good thou blendst. 



6 4 



7 he Siliad; or^ 



u Meanwhile, the Gulf of Mexico would find 
What Britain can do when she has a mind. 
The South are malcontents, and rightly tu, 
The North has hit them harder than their due ; 
No generous kindness has the North displayed, 
Such as a victor should, to those dismayed ; 
But, with their carpet-baggers and their blacks, 
Sought harm to do, and wrung the whites' sore backs. 
A great diversion here our troops would play, 
Backed by a fleet which, active night and day, 
Would menace all the ports the seaboard long, 
And play the veritable game, ding dong ! 
Here a large army Jonathan must bring, 
Lest we on any point our forces fling ; 
And thus Columbia's numbers we should check, 
Nor leave her, easy, Canada to wreck. 




" Suppose, indeed, old Cabot's land o'errun, 
Of what avail if all they count was done ? 
This occupation would not end the war ; 
Canadians, hostile still, would struggle more, 
Whilst idle armies w r asted time and strength, 
Till Yankee patience would cave in at length. 
Her ports blockaded, and her commerce stopped, 
Her growth impeded, and her fair limbs lopped ; 



The Siege of the Seats, 65 

Columbia would wisely cry, Enough, 

Whilst we should sing out with contentment, Luff." 

** A very pretty story, as it stands," 
Growled Kamdux, holding up his heavy hands ; 
11 But when you came to lay the pattern out, 
What with old age, rheumatics, or the gout, 
Our suffring generals complain they've got, 
Where is the man who'd work that little lot?" 

" Why, he who writes a play like that we've heard, 
Should be his own stage manager. Absurd 
It is to think of such stupendous schemes ; 
It drives one mad to think of what he means ; 
I never was so bored in all my life 
{Nor any other man, but by his wife) ; 
There's only one who's fitted for the task, 
And him the nation is too kind to ask ; 
f Tis Kamdux' self; let him exalt his horn, 
A £rince£s facile, a general born." 

Phitzjim the bored, 'twas he who spake the chaff, 
Quiescent now remained ; he'd had his laugh. 
Half-dozing in extended chair he'd lain, 
Whilst Phrater killed his foes, and slew the slain, 
Nor gave the slightest sign of life or care, 
But that there came a puff which filled the air 
With wreathed smoke, in shapely rings that curled, 
Whilst Phitzjim, dozing, dreamed of youth's flag, furled. 

Kamdux grew serious, looked as if he'd choke • 
He didn't half like Phitzjim' s/prince^s joke, 

But said, " There's something I should like to hear; — 
How about India ; will you make that clear ?" 

Phrater, unmoved, and master of himself, 
Tho' thinking of the happy house of Guelph, 



66 The Siliad ; or, 

Smartly replied, " I'm ready, my good liege, 
To speak or act, to plan campaign or siege." 

Then straightway to his subject led the way, 
As thus he spoke the tag to his war play — ■ 

" In India, prepared, our forces wait 
To meet the shock, and dare the combat's fate ; 
Horse, men, and guns are mustered in their might ; 
To Western eyes a wondrous motley sight — 
Eastern magnificence, barbaric wealth, 
The lissom form, dark skin, and step of stealth ; 
These, in their millions, both of tribes and gold, 
Their lives, their lands, their riches, through us hold. 
Our Raj o'erthrown, fell Anarchy arrives ; — 
What hecatombs she'd claim of human lives ! 

" The Punjabee, the Ghoorka, and the Sikh, 
Can scarce be counted amongst races meek ; 
Under our discipline obedience taught, 
They'll follow where we lead, to battle brought ; 
And Russian grey-coats have no cause to boast 
Superior prowess for their Northern host. 
Such troops as these England could hope to raise 
Full fourth a million in twice ninety days ; 
And these, exclusive of our present force, 
Nor tapping many a rich and bounteous source- 
Trie Highland tribes, who us would gladly serve, 
And hill men, as an army of reserve. 
Now many British troops should we brigade, 
To join the Sepoys, and the war to aid, — ■ 
These numbers will depend, for much or all, 
How England answers to the trumpet-call, 
When bidden to the fight that's near at hand, 
Though peaceful words now rule, and phrases bland, 
When, to the joy of Kamdux v Phrater ceased 
(His fear of being late for dinner eased) ; 



The Siege of the Seats. 6; 

The warlike man growled in an unclear voice, 

" 'Tis well you can find matter to rejoice 

In what you've laid before us here to-day; 

But I much doubt if we the task should find 

So easy to our men as to your mind. 

And such vast work it would the Horse Guards bring, 

That double dealing overboard they'd fling, 

And one head would be put in place of two, 

And mine would be the one that day would rue." 

Here Phitzjim smiled, "You're anxious on that head; 
Take heart, Demos is not on that fare fed ; 
True, once, close here, they did a monarch lop — 
But he was false, as prince ; if true, as fop ; 
Its wishes now are high, this mighty crowd, 
That grows by what it feeds on, daily, proud ; 
So let us hope the taste will not revive, 
Nor well-cut chump chops serve the brick Beehive.' ' 

At any rate, a faithful joker, Phitz, 
Cool banter well upon his shoulder sits ; 
And Kamdux stood it, like a very lamb, 
As who was ever ready streams to dam, 
Treat disrespectfully the rivers bright, 
The Herons and the Storks to maul and fight. 

" He, I, Nbs, Kamdux, salutamus te ; 
If morituri, then, we pity thee ; 
We know you like your dinner more than tea, 
So, good digestion help all livers free. ,, 

Thus Phitzjim, laughed he in his careless w r ay, 
And Kamdux quitted; nor did Phrater stay ; 
But each, with matters prandial on his mind, 
Left all concern for other cares behind. 

So sure it is, in all men's weighty griefs ; — 
Or sweet love lost ; or lack of guinea'd briefs ; 

5-3 / 



68 The Siliad; or, 

Or motion unsupported in the House ; 

Or feeling that your friend has tried to chouse j 

Or when o'er any pain whate'er we pine — ■ 

The hour will strike when we shall want to dins^ 

What fruits the counsel brought our muse hath sung 
What good and evil hath division brung ; — 
These will be judged hereafter by the world,. 
A quick hereafter ; 'fore the flag is furled;; 
Not ours to prophesy the adverse fate, 
But point the certain end of dual state, 

The hours rolled onward in accustomed rounds 
Divine machinery, no jar, no sound. 
Kardilles laboured, plans on plans devised,. 
For ever by repulsive force revised. 
Great Sol his incandescent state maintained, 
Nor e'er his warming rays one morn restrained- 
Kamdux continued the old game's delay, 
And worked non ^ossumus from day to day. 
The moon its silver quarters earth presents, 
Tho' night- clouds often its full light prevents^ 
The Horse Guard satellites move, uniform, 
And no Intelligence can Pall Mall form... 

Thus, mortals blind invert the proper plar* r 
And finite swell coerces living man ; 
Smiles, frowns, alternate Jove ; yet still proceeds 
The work of death, and still the battle bleeds, 



The Siege oj the Seats. 69 



The Duel between Jenkines and Squiros. 

M<^HUS by their leader's care each martial band 

r^y Breaks up its ranks, and stretches o'er the land,. 

With shouts the Tories, in the contest skilled, 

Discount the battle, and on victory build ; 

Make noisy speeches, full of " Church and State, " 

And move their hordes to fierce and frenzied hate. 

While Gladimemnon's host, strong in its cause, 

(Though discontent doth make some Liberals pause). 

More silent, but resolved to never yield, 

A various army, marches to the field. 

Rads lead the van ; and Whigs the centre form ; 

These the main body ; those the boys to storm. 

Now front to front the hostile forces stand, 
And writs go flying through the anxious land ; 
And one — we Tl follow it, and leave the rest — 
Comes to a borough in the fertile west. 

As when a stone in stagnant pool we throw, 
It puts into commotion all below, 
Stirs up the mud ; and efts and noxious things 
Upon the water's ruffled surface brings — 
So there, the writ broke up the placid life, 
Stirred up the town into a bitter strife, 
And worse, brought prominently into view 
The venal lawyers and their tape-worm crew. 
They and their fathers, and their fathers' sires, 
Had worked the oracle and pulled the wires ; 



70 The Siliad; or, 

Had always claimed the winning cards to hold, 
And merrily the borough bought and sold. 
Moved by no principle, adept at tricks, 
Self-profit is their only politics ; 
Consistent if well paid, or "blue" or "buff," 
As either party can " shell out " enough ; 
Caring no jot for what is w r rong or right, 
Preferring dodgery to honest fight ; 
Founts of corruption ; source of bribing sin 
That moved true men to bring the Ballot in ; 
They lie and threaten, cozen and coerce, 
And breed o'er politics a blighting curse. 
Does not their influence English honour burke ? 
Their legal mists wrap truth in endless murk ? 
Since the first lawyer tempted mother Eve, 
Has not their mission been to dupe, deceive ; 
To bind us in their meshes past escape, 
Tie us with red interminable tape ; 
Our home to harass and our house invade ? 
Who can elude the juggles of their trade ? 
Who can their senseless jargon comprehend, 
Or say when their dark sway shall have an end ? 
Soon one must get, if still their grasping grows, 
A parchment deed before one blows one's nose. 

Hear that pale man, with wasted form, wan face, 
Harangue his fellows in the market-place. 

" But shall it grow ? Will not some man arise 
To sweep these legal cobwebs from our eyes ; 
This age of lawyers' despotism end, 
And make a clear, plain code our guide and friend ? 
So let us hope, and let this be our text — 
Down with the priests, and with the lawyers next !" 

Behold the lawyers, then, in fierce debate, 
To settle who shall be the candidate. 



The Siege of the Seats. 71 

The name of Squiros is on every tongue, 
And loud his praises and his cause were sung ; 
For he with cunning, from experience gained, 
Had every tape-worm in the place retained. 
Hence, when they met, to plot and scheme and plan. 
The only cry was, " Squiros is the man !" 
'Tis true that one— a greedy one was he- 
Did say, " I move a contest there shall be ; 
There would be money on the other side, 
And what I got with you I would divide." 
To this some few assented, but the rest 
Said that one candidate would be the best, 
For he was rich, and they could make him bleed 
Another thousand ; to this all agreed. 
So it was settled by the legal clique 
That Squiros should become M.P. next week. 

A strange confusion in our English speech, 
Richest and widest that thro' earth doth reach, 
Has made a word, pre-eminently pure, 
Describe a man as what he's not, for sure. 
The Latin Candidus, — white, blanched, and clean ? 
Is Candidate's original, 'tis seen ; 
Those who for office in old Rome did seek 
Were clothed in white, hue innocent and meek ; 
These, Ca?ididatos called, so pure and good, 
Who serve the citizens in honour would ; 
And thus a word throughout the land is used— 
(Was ever word so in the world abused !) 
To mean those men of grave and good aspect, 
Who ask their countrymen to them elect. 

The attorneys' choice the town accepts at first, 
And Squiros comes to treat it to a burst 
Of eloquence ; 'tis not a great success, 
And he is forced to openly confess 



7 2 TJie Siliad; or, 

Speaking is not his forte ; but then, says he, 
4t I am your fellow-townsman, don't you see ? 
My father lived here, and my grandsire too, 
And I am rich, and much far you will do." 
He might have added, " I'm a country squire, 
A good old Tory, full of love and fire 
For Queen and Church, and every rank abuse, 
Ready to send Reformers to the deuce ; 
I bar all progress, all improvements hate, 
Save what my tenants may initiate ; 
I grind the poor beneath my iron heel, 
When on the bench I never pity feel : 
To blindly vote is always my intent, 
So please to send me up to Parliament." 
But having sense enough to hold his tongue, 
He did not frankly say what we have sung. 

Meanwhile the burgesses of most renown 
Meet, as their wont is, nightly at the " Crown," 
And talk, o'er well-filled pipe and steaming glass, 
Of all the changes that have come to pass. 
-" Ah ! " says the licensed Bungos, " so at last 
The nomination day is gone and past. 
There'll be no hustings in the Market square, — 
A pretty state of things, I do declare. 
The fun of nomination-days I loved, 
The angry crowds that yelled, and pushed, and shoved, 
The helpless candidates so long at bay, 
The chaff and stones that flew throughout the day, 
The rotten eggs — mal-odorous argument — 
Which were with so much force and vigour sent, 
The vegetable odds and ends, decayed, 
Which in the speeches awkward pauses made ; 
The local wag who always made his mark, 
The bands which played from dawn till long past 
dark, 



The Siege of the Seats. 



7$ 



The flags and banners, rallying points for strife, 
The party scrimmages and fights so rife. 




All these are gone ; and I regret, for one, 
These bygone fashions and this former fun ; 



74 The Siliad; or y 

What if some few score eyes were put in black ? 
What if some noses felt the vigorous crack ? 
What if some voters tumbled in the dirt ? 
'Twas for a principle they gained their hurt. 
'Twas honest fighting, downright honest blows, 
'Twas whether Tory eye or Liberal nose 
And worsted, this much may at least be said, 
Was thus that good old English pluck was bred."" ' 

" Well spoken!" now 'tis Phigg, the grocer, 
speaks, 
As sugar for his fourth hot rum he seeks ; 
6i Well spoken, Bungos ; yet, my worthy host, 
I cannot mourn, like you, w T hat we have lost. 
For once, the victim of a cruel fate, 
I really seconded a candidate. 
And even now, though years have passed away, 
Come back the mem'ries of that awful day. 
Two candidates the borough's suffrage claimed, 
One Tyntes called, and one Westropos named ; 
The second mine ; and by my duty bound, 
At ten I was upon the hustings found. 
A spreading mob lay surging at our feet, 
Where ' blues ' and £ buffs ' await the coming treat. 
Not mine the history of that day to tell, 
Save just as much as my own self befell. 
Pushed to the front, I knew by retrospect 
What I must from the ' yellow' mob expect. 
But, mustering up my pluck, though pale as death, 
Stood till the crowd had used up all its breath. 
Then I, ' Fellow electors, now I beg 
To — ' then a pause, for came a well-aimed egg, 
Which, smashing on my forehead, filled my eyes, 
And ' Rub it in ! ' a non-elector cries. 
I wipe my face, and then again begin : 
* I beg to second — ' but a rabbit-skin, 



Tnz Stegi of the Seats, 75 

With skill propell'd, comes full against my lips, 

While still the egg-yolk from my whiskers drips. 

I try to smile, and manage to get through 

A dozen words or so without ado, 

Till, as I beg them to my man to stick, 

I see approach a well-thrown semi-brick. 

My courage flies — I own I ducked my head — 

The semi-brick hit our good mayor instead, 

Full on the bottom button of his vest, 

And, doubling up, he for a time found rest. 

Then rose the rival shouts, and for a space 

Intestine war waged in the market place. 

Swearing revenge the Blue flies at the Buff, 

Greek meets with Greek, and rough joins fight with rough ; 

Flags wave aloft, stout bludgeons fall and rise 

'Midst cracking* crowns and quickly closing eyes ; 

Fists meet with noses, blood like water flows, 

Whilst music oil upon the firebrands throws 1 

Long hangs the issue, till by numbers beat„ 

The Buffs are driven down the market street g; 

And, rid thus wholly of the clamorous foes, 

The programme's quickly hurried to a close. 

Then hastening home, while at my luckless head 

A dropping fire of raw potatoes sped, 

And one big stone, which through my best hat crashed, 

I found that all my windowpanes were smashed. 

•' Thus, Bungos, 'tis I can't agree with you.. 
Nor of a nomination take your view ; 
That may be how our British pluck is bred, 
But I should like some other plan instead, 
A plan which does not jeopardize my head J ^ 

He said, and yet another rummer mixed; 
And every eye on Thaumos then was fixed, 



>6 



J v 



The Si Had ; or, 



For Thaumos was a hatter of repute, 
Whose logic clear not many could refute. 
An ardent Radical who dared to think, 
And not content to sleep, and eat, and drink, 
And trust all else to statesman or to priest, 
Resolved he always would protest, at least. 

So he, " O, friends ! the time has come at length 
When we must stir ourselves and show our strength; 
Too long the town has been the lawyers' prey, 
Too long the Tory squires have held their sway, 
And now again, we're told, as though we're sheep, 
That we our tongues must hold and quiet keep ; 
While Squiros deigns to come with smiling face, 
And tell us he will represent the place. 
He represent it ! What, I want to know, 
Will Squiros do, if he to London go ? 
Will he not always for Dudizzy fight ? 
Will he not war 'gainst sweetness and 'gainst 

light ? 
Will he not try to nerve the priestly hand, 
And prop up superstition through the land ? 
Will he not strive abuses to advance, 
And be a champion of crass ignorance ? 
? Tis well the former state of things has passed ; 
A chance of freedom comes for us at last. 
We may the nomination fun regret, 
But, fellow townsmen, let us not forget 
We have the Ballot ! — when that word is said ; 
Let fierce intimidation hide its head ; 
Let independence from its grave arise, 
Let us a paean sing as bribery dies ! 
For now the knavish lawyers have no chance ; 
They still may pipe, but we no more need dance. 
-Coercion's screw weak man no longer mocks, 
And freedom's born in the new Ballot-box. 



The Siege of the Seats. 77 

What say you, then, shall we without a fight 

Let Squiros have the seat, or shall to-night 

The advent of a brighter day bring in ? " .; .^ 

So said and sat, and deeply quaffed his gin, 
And loud the cries of warm approval rose ; 
Enthusiasm marked the evening's close, 
And 'twas decided, ere their homes they sought, 
Another candidate at once be brought. 

A deputation, sent to town, invites 
A champion to defend the people's rights. 
Jenkines, who, proposed by the " Reform/' 
Consents the Tory citadel to storm. 
No sooner are the tidings spread afar, 
Than full of fear and dread the Tories are, 
And Gorstos, warned by lightning from the skies, 
Swift to the aid of helpless Squiros flies. 

Jenkines came, the "silver-tongued" surnamed, 
An apt logician and an author famed. 
" I come " (he thus, when he to speak begun), 
" Slave of no party, follower of none, 
Believer in no formulae nor creeds, 
Save what are fashioned by the people's needs. 
I come the champion of the poor to be, 
1 come to root out rural slavery ; 
I come to hold the helpless by the hand, 
And 'stablish education through the land ; 
I come to take the English Church to task, 
To pull from off her face her specious mask ; 
To tell her how T corrupted is her fame, 
That she is Christian now in nought but name ; 
Christian ! in sooth, and yet her primal care 
Is in the good things of this world to share. 



7$ The Siliad ; or, 

Christian ! Then how is it her Bishops die 

With fortunes that with city merchants' vie ? 

Christian ! Then why with such excited rage 

Do all her sons in deadly strife engage ? 

Christian ! And yet her clergy do not blench 

To be the harshest censors on the bench ! 

Christian ! And yet no week we do not see 

The sale of souls and open simony ! 

Christian ! Indeed, 'tis time the truth was told, 

And justice done to this impostor bold. 

Where is the trace of Him, throughout the Church 

Who never left the pauper in the lurch ? 

Who had no purse, nor scrip ; of Whom 'twas said 

He had not where to lay His weary head ; 

Who preached down Pharisee, and pride, and pelf, 

And bade us love our neighbours as ourself ? 

'Tis nowhere found ; the sham has had its day ; 

Let her beware ! and stand from out our way." 

Much more Jenkines said, for, quick of speech , 
He'd much to tell of things he wished to teach ; 
And all his words fell on a fruitful soil, 
And many a weary, woe-worn son of toil 
Took heart again, and went upon his way, 
Hoping the coming of a summer day. 

But there was uproar in the Tory camp, 
Jenkines, there, was roundly called a scamp, 
And Squiros learnt a speech in which 'twas said 
His rival was a traitor and a " Red," 
And bills upon the wall in type of blue 
Called him an atheist of the darkest hue. 
Gorstos, alarmed — he knew the ballot's power,— 
Did all he knew from morn to midnight's hour; 
And an attorney, sent by Squiros, came 
To give Jenkines money's worth and fame, 



The Siege of the Seats. 



79 



To quit the field, but swiftly he returned 
To tell how scornfully his bribe was spurned. 



Mi 




So sped the days, each side itself bestirred, 
Xo talk save of the corning fight was heard ; 
With lavish purse goes Squiros on his way, 
And trusts his gold to aid him in the fray; 
Money is scattered with a lavish hand, 
And light 'gainst lucre finds it hard to stand. 
The lawyers labour well to Squiros aid, 
And freely use the secrets of their trade. 
Woe to the voter in financial straits, 
Or the elector stricken by the fates ; 
On him they mercilessly turn the screw, 
Till, under pressure, yellow turns to blue. 
And Thaumos scarcely eats a meal, or sleeps, 
So faithfully his watch and ward he keeps ; 
jenkines, too, with words of potent force, 
Talks to the people till his voice is hoarse ; 
And as he talks, those western folk arise, 
And heavy scales drop from their blinded eyes ; 
A new horizon opens up around, 
Their ears are pierced by freedom's grateful sound; 
They cease to live like animated clods, 
They feel new senses, w T orthy of the gods ; 



8o 



The Siliad ; or, 



They break with Sampson's strength the blighting bands. 
Placed on them by old feudal laws and hands, 
And, filled with new desires and hopes and light, 
They gird their loins, and rush into the fight. 

The nomination comes, as Bungos said ; 
The horseplay's nowhere and the fun has fled ; 
Without a shout, or blow, or egg it goes, 
Till comes the final massing of the foes. 

Dawns the great day, a morning big with fate, 
And with portentous boom the clock strikes eight ; 
Arise, O muse ! and help us if you may, 
To tell the humours of the desperate fray ; 
Aid us to state without a mocking smile 
How Squiros bought blue ribbon by the mi!e ? 




And spread it broadcast, as though ever yet 
A day was won by sarcenet or rosette ; 
How he the steeds and carriages retained* 
Till for Jenkines not one trap remained ; 
A meet precaution this, for as a whole 
The Tories do need driving to the polL 



The Siege of the Seats. S i 

To tell how Squiros used the printer's aid, 
And patronized the placard-poster's trade, 
Till every wall — for wholesale it was done — 
Was stuck with bills — dishonoured every one. 
To tell, too, how the great Dudizzy wrote 
To " My dear Squiros " quite a gushing note, 
To let him know with how great interest 
He viewed this struggle in the fertile west ; 
And hoped that Squiros, victor in the fight, 
Would help to oust the men who, like a blight, 
Had settled for so long upon the land — 
A plundering and a blundering bandit band ; 
Who'd dared to try to educate the poor, 
To raise the humble, and instruct the boor, 
To take off taxes, loose the chains of gold 
That cramped so cruelly our army bold ; 
And for five years had, with but little pause, 
Passed great, and good, and grand, and noble 
laws. 

And help, O muse, more fitly to proclaim 
The day's great heroes, and its deeds of fame ; 
How Thaumos, vendor of the high crowned hat, 
And Bungos, ruler of the tap and vat, 
Met in the market place in angry shock, 
And fought ten minutes by the public clock. 
How Bungos, full of his own potent beer, 
His voice and finger raised Thaumos to jeer ; 
And how the hatter let his left outfly 
With neat precision into Bungos' eye ! 
How then the licensed one, with sudden bound, 
Leaped on his foe, and bore him to the ground ; 
Whence, rising, they Antaeus-like pursue 
The desp'rate contest with a vigour new ; 
Closed fists sent home with pugilistic grace, 
Left striking marks each on the other's face, — 

6 



32 



The Si Had ; or, 



Till Thaumos drew his back, and Bungos strook 
Full in his mouth ; his front incisors shook; 
And two — alas ! for future meals of meat ! — 
Broke short ; the fragments fell into the street ; 
And Bungos, raging 'neath the spacious skies, 
Follows his teeth, and there disabled lies. 
The people shout, with elevated voice — 
Loud, at the hatter's victory, rejoice, 
And in it see, as they his bruises dress, 
An omen of their ultimate success ! 



Tell too, O muse ! how Squiros rode about, 
His carriage followed by a rabble rout ; 
Who, hired to shout, and primed with countless "beers," 
Gave venal cries and mercenary cheers. 
Tell how, on either side, the boasters shirked, [worked, 
And drank, and smoked, and talked, and thought they 




And how Jenkines, with his body guard, 

Toiled all the day, continuously hard; 

How he the " brickeys " gained, whilst Squiros swore, 

And in the dinner-hour brought up threescore ; 

How he upset the lawyers' deep-laid plan, 

And polled the ironfounders to a man ; 



The Siege of the Seats. 



83 



And how a myrmidon, by Blues' device, 
Shaved off his whiskers, and thus voted twice. 
Nor fail to tell how, though he owed him fief, 
Hodges, the hind, defied the landed chief; 
And meeting him in High Street did not shrink 
To shout, "Who gives us zider zour to drink, 
Who, though he's thouzands on 'em, does begrudge 
A zingle rabbit to his poorest drudge ? 











Who keeps his dogs and hosses fat and sleek, 
And pays his labourer eight bob a week ? ; ' 
At which the face of Squiros purple turned, 
And all his Tory heart with anger burned ; 
But 'twas in vain, for, by Jenkines sent, 
Hodges soon after to New Zealand went. 



Sped on the hours, and voters crowded still 
To secretly record their sovereign will. 
Not all ; for those who like their side declare, 
And on their hats and coats their colours wear : 
Not that it followed then, the truth you knew, 
For some that wore the yellow voted blue ; 

6-2 



34 



The Siliad ; or, 



While others, not yet self-assured enough, 
Who flaunted azure, went and voted buff. 
Which did the chiefs deceive, and those impede 
Who worked the card trick, under Gorstos' lead. 




O Ballot ! won on many a hard-fought field, 
A cloak for liars, for deceit a shield ; 
Shame on our nature, which we so degrade, 
We cannot do without thy long- sought aid ! 
Shame we are so impatient of dissent, 
And prone to passions thou dost circumvent ! 
Shame on our magnates, and our kings of trade, 
Whose actions have thy use so urgent made ! 
For 'neath thy kindly shelter slaves can vote, 
No longer driven in flocks like sheep and goat 
To do their masters' will ; compelled no more 
By threat to foster what they most deplore. 
O, Ballot ! in a pure and righteous land, 
A scheme the people would not understand ; 



The Siege of the Seats. 

In such a gold-cursed bind as this is now, 
A fit, a necessary evil thou ! 

Strikes the great hour, the final hour of four, ] 
And polling ceases; voters vote no more. j 

Sealed is each ballot-box — shut every door. j 

Before each booth policemen stand erect, 
Prepared the people's suffrage to protect, 
And issuing, the mayor conducts the way, 
He is returning officer to-day. 
He marches on, the town-clerk by his side, 
Their feet toward the market-hall they guide ; 
Next come constabulary, four abreast, 
With unsheathed truncheon and dilated chest ; 
Slow they proceed, and then, secure from shocks, 
Is borne the sealed and sacred ballot-box. 



85 



* (ft. <w 

fne? Asm o~. 




On either side a trusty " peeler " stands 
To guard it from all predatory hands ; 
And then behind more of the force attend, 
To guard the papers to the very end. 



36 



The Siliad; or. 



And thus from every votive tent are borne 
The fateful Urns by stern custodians sworn, 
Until, as fades the twilight into gloom, 
They all are gathered in the allotted room. 
Outside, the anxious crowd at once collects, 
And all its gaze upon the blind directs ; 




For there, behind, the shadows cross and pass, 
Shown by the light of the Town Council's gas. 

Now, one by one, the boxes are unseal'd, 
And their contents to one vast heap they yield. 
Then watch' d and check' d by two of either side, 
The mayor proceeds the papers to divide, 
And every vote is scrutinized with care, 
And checked and counter-checked by either pair ;. 
And sharp discussions rise, and long's the pause 
When one is disallowed from any cause. 
Until, just as the clock's again at eight, 
They know the numbers for each candidate. 



The crowd had waited, though the rain had come, 
And ever and anon had risen a hum 



The Siege of the Seats. 8 7 

Of expectation as the shadows moved ; 

But long these signs but mere delusions proved. 

And Squiros, confident that he had won, 

Was having dinner at the " Setting Sun." 

Jenkines, weary with the day's alarms, 

Was sitting anxious at the " Talbot Arms." 

Blue flags were waiting in the adjacent street, 

Ready to celebrate the Buff's defeat ; 

The ringers held the bell-ropes in their hands, 

In martial order stood two Blue brass bands, 

And special messengers in order stand, 

To send good news to Tories through the land. 

And now the shadows make another move. 
''They're coming," are the words, and right they prove. 
The crier's bell clangs with its metal tongue, 
A solemn hush the people comes among ; 
Upon the steps the worthy mayor appears, 
The hush grows deeper yet, and all are ears ! 
" I now declare," he then proceeds to say, 
" The votes recorded in this town to-day. 
Squiros obtains eight hundred and eleven, 
Jenkines, hundreds eight, and eighty seven ! " 

No more they hear, but loud applauses rise, 
And the long shout goes echoing to the skies. 
Eyes flash with vict'ry, cheeks w T ith triumph flush, 
And then to find Jenkines off they rush. 
But few seek Squiros at the " Setting Sun," 
Where he has heard what truth and right have done ; 
And doubts the news, and lets his temper rage, 
And even d. . . . s the inappreciative age. 
Talks of his wasted money, rants and raves, 
And tells the lawyers they are fools and knaves. 
Scarce need to say the flags are not brought out, 
And that the bands perform the right about. 



88 



The Siliad ; or, 



No bells upraise their voices in the night, 
No Tory telegrams tell of the fight ; 




But Blue turns pale, and Squiros measures takes 
To leave the town ere rosy morning breaks. 




Once more, O muse ! descend, and aid this page, 
To tell what joys the Liberal host engage ; 



The Siege of the Seats. 



8 9 



Tell of the crowd which brings Jenkines down, 

And bears him struggling through the happy town ; 

Tell of the burning words with which he thanks 

The trusty host which broke the Tory ranks ; 

Tell how brave Thaumos was so happy that - 

He sang his songs and stood upon his hat ; 

How all the hours the festive crowds employ 

In merriment, and ecstacy of joy. 

No stop, no stay, no notion but to tell 

Each other of the fight they'd fought so well, 

'Twas tumult all, prolonged into the night, 

And sudden joy confused, and mixed delight. 

The West against Dudizzy shuts her gate, 

And Gladimemnon breathes and blesses fate! 




90 The Siliad ; or. 



1500& EU. 

The Night Adventures of Liobed 
and Bersites. 

c^jih HE fighters languish, and the conflict wanes, 
**-) Till less than forty dot the arduous plains. 
On pleasure bent, a truce both sides conclude, 
And join to have a jovial interlude. 
Upon the city falls a brilliant night, 
Outdazzling day with myriad jets of light ; 
And Buffs and Azures gladly wend their way, 
To end in revelry the wearying day. 
In noisy groups they walk, and loud converse, 
Till, near to pleasure's centre, they disperse 
A dozen ways, and then in couples pass 
To seek their Daphnes under lamps of gas. 

There goes Peelides, leader of a school, 
Which swears by Smallpage, and believes in Poole ; 
Dressed faultlessly, his coat of perfect build ; 
His pants the masterpiece of cutter skilled ; 
His feet in shining patent leather cased, 
And stays suggested by his shapely waist ; 
His hat a picture, and his gloves a theme 
For silly maids to ponder on, and dream. 
Linked in Bersites' arm Peelides goes, 
A talking and a walking suit of clothes. 
Bersites is no pupil in that school ; 
He is no fop, and sure he is no fool ; 



The Siege of the Seats. 



9* 



His tongue is ready, keen and quick his wit, 
And when his arrows fly, his foes are hit. 

Such are the two that, lounging slowly, turn 
Into a horseshoe doorway, o'er which burn 

\ \ 




A thousand gas jets ; and from out the night 

They pass into a realm of lustrous light. 

Peelides lingers not upon the way, 

Nor stops, though doubtful houris bid him stay. 

Up stairs he bounds, past mirror-hidden walls, 

Past scent and glove and bon-bon covered stalls. 

Till, after parley with a six-foot loon, 

He and Bersites gain the great saloon. 

Within is bravery of gilt, a mass, 

And wealth of waving hair, and glittering glass ; 

A hundred rainbows cross and intertwine, 

A thousand wicked eyes enchantingshine. 

Lips, full of sin, yet plump and ripe withal, 

Shape naughty kisses, and for liquids call. 

Hands, gloved divinely, creep beneath men's arms; 

Whilst shapely ankles tell of hidden charms ; 

Toilettes, too ravishing for mortal pen, 

Flit everywhere, and prey on helpless men. 



9 2 



The Siliad; or, 



Houris in eau de Nile, and salmon pink, 

And peacock blue, distract, and daze, and drink. 

The utter stranger greet they with a smile, 

So artless seeming, yet so versatile ; 

As some in distant corners toy and sport, 

Others lap deeply lemonade and port. 




While shop-boys, trying tip-top swells to be, 
Have robbed the till, and call for S. and B. 
Such is the scene the comrades gaze upon. 
Peelides quotes the words of Solomon, 
" Vanitas van." — but here his friend breaks in, 
" I know the rest, so don't that strain begin. 
Wrote Solomon those words when age forbad 
He should enjoy the raptures of the lad. 
Meanwhile, we are beneath this pleasure dome, 
So let us act like Romans while in Rome." 



With that Bersites joined a sylph in grey, 
And to a couch of velvet made his way, 
Where, seeing that Peelides followed suit, 
He called for bottled juice of Champagne's fruit. 
Which quaffing, friendship ripen' d 'twixt the two, 
Nay, friendship soon into affection grew, 



The Siege of the Seats. 



93 



And whispered confidences freely passed, 
While melting eyes enslaving glances cast ; 
But not for long, for, with a guarantee 
That he would not forget 'twas " number three/ 

&* s?fl f?< 




Bersites rose, and left his pearl-grey queen, 
Then dragged Peelides from a girl in green. 
Then went they where the house was full in view, 
Where 'mongst the audience many friends they knew. 

" See !" said Bersites, " in that private box 
Is Gallantinos, and my vision mocks, 
If coyly hiding in the curtain's fold, 
My eyes do not a pretty face behold." 



"And see !" Peelides says, " in yonder stall 
Is Skinnardes, the pet of Ranters' Hall. 
Look how he grasps his lorgnette ; Watts 's hymns 
Ne'er made him rock like those pink twinkling limbs.' ' 
"Who's that ?" he adds, as by a sheltering post 
He sees a captain of the Liberal host, 
Who, ever garrulous, is deep in talk 
With one of Belgium's daughters, white with chalk. 

" Surely," Bersites says, " that face I know, 
It is ; no, 'tisn't ; yet it must be so. 
Peelides, see, you know that silvered pate, 
Say, is it not that Mid' sex magistrate ?" 



94 The Siliad; or, 

Feelides looks, and, looking, wags his head. 
" Shame on the hypocrite," Bersites said; 
4 ' The hoary humbug ! when he has the chance 
He puts down music and the festive dance ; 
Decrees there shall be no more cakes and ale,, 
And preaches from the bench a canting tale, 
I know his nasty kind, the prurient sham, 
Who publicly will all amusement damn ; 
Who lards his talk with puritanic phrase ; 
Who'd make existence all Scotch Sabbath days ; 
Who uses all his power — alas ! 'tis great — 
Our hardy manhood to emasculate ; 
Yet is himself — the crafty son of guile ! — 
In secret, the most vicious of the vile. 
'Tis he, and canting maw-worms such as he, 
Who boast their smug respectability ; 
That bring these Cyprians their greatest gain, 
And most support Hetairse's sensual reign ; 
For these, Aspasia baits her witching trap, 
And Lais sets at them her carnal cap ; 
While Phryne knows that on these rich old boys 
She must depend for all her lavish toys. 
Think not that gorgeous sin and gilded vice 
Are youthful follies; — youth can't pay the price. 
'Tis these old Tartufles, crumbling into clay, 
Who build and keep the palaces that pay." 

"The doddering dotard!" thus his friend re- 
plies, 
With anger flashing from his Saxon eyes. 
" He and his colleagues show that utter fools 
Are bound by none of reason's common rules ; 
Logic or justice has no power with them, 
They vacuously pardon or condemn ; 
One man they doom to ruin, swift and black ; 
His fellow man they pat upon the back. 



The Siege of the Seats. 95 

And, granted both are sinners, then 'tis true 

The one they doom's the lesser of the two. 

You shall not dance, they say, beneath God's sky, 

Where moon and stars shine placidly on high ; 

'Midst trees and flowers it is a crime to dance, 

If you would trip it you have but one chance. 

You must your priceless store of health consume 

Within an overcrowded reeking room, 

Where all the air is foul ; a gas-lit lair, 

With gaudy night-birds flitting everywhere. 

There, say these Solons, dancing's right and meet." 

Eersites never missed a joke, if neat, 
" They are the sole 'uns, they, who think they're wise, 
I'd kick them out without the least disguise." 

" You're right, and with respect your pun I greet, 
But let us go, my wag, to Windmill Street." 

Bersites then, " Not yet, my noble swell, 
For here comes Liobed, I know him well ; 
'Tis true he is not seen at ball or rout, 
But what of that ? he knows his way about." 
Interrogation filled Peelides' face, 
" Then, who is he (he said), and what his race ? m 
And, drinking gaily, did Bersites tell 
The tale of Liobed, and told it well. 

" A youth there was," these words did he employ, 
11 His father's idol and his mother's joy, 
Five girls beside the sturdy parents bless, 
One son alone invites their fond caress. 
Rich was the boy in land, and rich in gold, 
Rich in transmitted vices, best untold ; 
Nature had blessed him with a handsome face, 
He had the witching manners of his race ; 



gG The Siliad ; or. 

And ere he finally had left his cot, 

He was a Juan, though he knew it not. 

Since then, while always voting ' Church and Queen/ 

In all its varied phases life he's seen ; 

Expelled from Eton, from Trin. Coll. sent down, 

He early plunged into the sea of town ; 

At sixteen was a father, at seventeen 

He twice before the magistrates had been. 

Long ere the down upon his lip was rife, 

He carried off a music-master's wife ; 

And ere his years a man of him had made 

Could boast of twenty maidens he'd bewrayed. 
Amongst the 'Hemisphere' his name's well known, 
And twice in steeple-chases he's been thrown ; 

He's kept a theatre, and loo'd away 

A lavish fortune in a single day ; 

His turf career was shorter p'rhaps than sweet, 

And ended in a ruin quite complete ; 

Since then his life a mystery has been, 

And strange vicissitudes our friend has seen. 

'lis said he ' pigeons' plucks, and feels no shame, 

The wages of the courtesan to claim ; 

Will mark the cards and play with loaded dice, 

And that his billiard-marking is not nice ; 

Yet, be he what he may (and you'll agree, 

He is not quite the thing he ought to be), 

He has contrived a forward place to win 

Amongst the aristocracy of sin. 

They say 'twas he who Kautlai led astray, 

He, who outlawed, cannot in England stay. 

At every night-house he's a welcome guest, 

He's known at every hostel in the West ; 

Stage doors fly widely open at his call, 

He's free of every London music hall ; 

Shut out from drawing-room, debarred from club, 

He's almost worshipped at the sporting pub. ; 



The Siege of the Seats. 97 

The champions trust him in their muscley might, 

And ' give the office ' of the next prize fight. 

When cocks engage, or rats and terriers meet, 

'Tis Liobed can tell you of the treat. 

When some new queen of light love makes a stir, 

'Tis Liobed is her first minister ; 

And when some night-house bully dares the town, 

'Tis Liobed who straightway knocks him down. 

So, comrade, come, and for a little space 

Let us with this young blackguard go the pace. 

Ho ! Liobed," 'twas thus Bersites bawled, 

And he, him hearing, came when he was called. 

Bersites, when he'd given it a name— 
'Twas sherry cobbler, all three had the same — 
Told Liobed how, warned of his renown, 
They wished to go with him about the town. 

" And let us haste (did prim Peelides say), 
For, see, night rolls the witching hours away ; 
The ballet's over, and my soul it pains 
That of night's empire but a third remains." 
This, having said, his arm he warmly press'd, 
And all the three w T ent off with happy zest. 

" Now," said the Blacklegged, "whither shall we go? 
The Judge and Jury ? No, that's awful slow. 
Cremorne ? The eposes jblastiques are not bad ; 
But then the drive there drives a fellow mad. 
The "Gyle ? ' for that we're just an hour too soon ; 
What say you to a Grassmarket saloon ? 
Or will you spend a while with Dr. Kahn ? 
Though I must own he is a different man 
From what he was, and gets but little gain ; 
In fact his wax-works are upon the w T ane." 

7 



98 



The Siliad; or, 



" Stay/' said Bersites, " much my fancy leans 
To solve the mysteries of ' behind the scenes.' M 
Peelides, too, assents, and then and there 
They seek a doorway close to Leicester square 




Where, questioned by an ancient, gnarled and grim, 
They pass to gratify their Thespian whim. 



Up narrow passages but dimly lit, 
Down broken stairs, where weak-kneed ' supers ' sit, 
Past hurrying carpenters, and scenes in stacks, 
Past gauze-dressed girls with little on their backs, 
Past men who push, and swear, and rush, and shout, 
They soon involve themselves in utter rout. 



The Siege qf the Seats. 99 

Scene-shifters charge them as the " flats " they slide, 
Carpenters crush them, and their fears deride ; 




Gasmen assume respect, which costs them dear, 
'Tis bought with "tips " to pay for quarts of beer. 



" I say," Peelides says, as some one goes, 
And rests a heavy scene upon his toes. 

" I do not care for this." Bersites then, 
As he his footing pays to three more men. 

" I too, O comrade, quantum suff. would cry," 
Just then a troop of ballet girls went by ; 
A score of shapely forms, of legs two score, 
That little else than pink silk fleshings w T ore. 
And as they passed, displaying all these charms, 
Peelides, amorous, would pinch their arms : 
While Liobed did wink, as though to say, 

" Here are two swells, O won't we make them pay ? ' ? 

7-2 



ICO 



The Siliad; or, 



"Whence go they ?" said Bersites, "let us see!" 
To whom thus Liobed, "Come, follow me!" 



M 



/ 



mm </# 
mm %jf ■ 



'MMjmSi 




They followed, and up where the lime-light 'lumes, 
They come upon a row of dressing-rooms. 
The ballet's over, and the dancers press 
To doff their muslin, and themselves to dress 
In garb more ample, and in skirts less scant, 
To figure in a sphere more militant. 
For she who's Fairy Queen upon the stage, 
Becomes — O shame upon a shameless age ! — 
Plain " Fair-haired Emily," or " Tipsy Bet," 
Upon the pavement of the Haymarket. 

This room, 'tis number eight, as tenant claims 
A lovely girl — we will not mention names. 
A minute scarce ago, as angel dressed, 
The lime-light threw its rays upon her breast; 
As down she knelt, so full of radiant grace, 
A rose-bloom lighted up her glorious face ; 



The Siege of the Seats. 



101 



And all her wealth of golden-tinted hair, 
Bathed in a flood of light, flashed yet more fair. 
She seemed in very sooth a splendid saint, 
So pure, so chaste, so free from mortal taint, 




But now a snatch of Offenbach she sings, 

And with a laugh unhooks her '* compo " wings ; 

Then, thankful that her well-feigned part is done, 

Unclasps her glowing jewels one by one, 

Loosens her fragrant bodice ; by degrees 

Her samite robe creeps rustling to her knees, 

Nor lingers long, but falls in snowy pleat, 

And lies, like greyhound, white about her feet, 

While she, a very Dian, rises there, 

Lithe-limbed and supple, most divinely fair ; 

Nothing is wanting; form and colour vie 

To make a woman for whom men will die. 

Thrice bless' d (firo tern. J the man who tastes her charms, 

And clasps her bright perfection in his arms ! 

Her contour puts to shame the sculptor's skill, 

But look no more ! her witching glances kill ; 



102 TheSiliaa; or, 

Though heaven for my connubial bliss decree 
This girl my spouse, or such a spouse as she ! 
For this is Helen, surnamed " Golden Nell," 
The idol of the West, the peerless belle, 
Whose carte in window pane appeared long since, 
Flanked by a Bishop or Imperial Prince, 
And still in many a tradesman's shop is seen, 
Beside a Spurgeon, or below a Dean. 

Not long as we have left her, Helen stands, 
But with a pretty fluttering of her hands, 
Throws o'er her head a garment white as snow, 
And as it ripples down, why, let us go, 
And, leaving her to dress, hear what is said 
Without her door by knowing Liobed. 

" She is a stunner ! " Thus he did begin ; 
" And doesn't she get through a lot of tin ? 
The Blue Book visits her ; an English duke 
Had married her, but for a simple fluke ; 
She made a viscount sell his country seat ; 
The Cabinet discuss her when they meet ; 
There was a Bishop of High Church repute 
Who went to see her in a tourist suit. 
When she receives, the grandest salons lack 
Their noblest guests, for Helen has the knack 
Of fascinating all, and rules in state, 
Despotic as some Eastern Potentate. 
Her jewels — they have a most surprising fame-^ 
From varied and eclectic sources came ; 
Her finest diamond — a lustrous gem — 
Once figured in a Royal diadem. 
Her largest pearls, themselves a worthy sight- 
Bespeak the ardour of a City Knight ; 
A jewel-box (Emanuel's) doth evince 
Sad symptoms o* We sickness in a prince ; 



The Siege of the Seats. 



103 



While she a bracelet keeps with special care, 
Which came, she said, from a too-late Lord Mayor. 
She tells me, and to Me she tells the truth, 
That were she — throwing to the winds all ruth — 




To publish all the names of those who've tried 

To buy the right to linger at her side, 

Then, Good Society would raise a cry, 

And Hannen from sheer over- work would die. 

The country's thorough-breds would head the list, 

And mated Peers confess their broken trist ; 



104 



The Sihad; or, 



Some sitters on the bench their heads would bow, 
And learned counsel their misdeeds avow ; 
Props of the Church and leaders of Dissent 
In sackcloth and in ashes would repent ; 




And saintly hypocrites and shams by scores 
Would dread to seek again their virtuous doors." 



The Siege of the Seats, 105 

Now, as he spoke, Peelides' colour flies, 
And e'en Berates' former ardour dies ; 
Each looks at each, and reads the other's thought, 
Which was, " We've both done what we didn't ought. 
'Twere w r ell that Helen should not find us here, 
Lest Liobed should spread it far and near." 
So both with one consenting voice did say, 
" Come, Liobed, we will no longer stay." 

Nor would they tarry, but with hasty feet 
They seek Terpsichore iu Windmill Street ; 
And find her, dressed in colours of the sun, 
A little larkish, and inclined for fun ; 
Her worshippers are dazzling as her fane, 
And pour libations out like copious rain. 
The muse accepts the meet drink offerings, 
And fitting mood upon the offerers flings. 
The air is laden with oppressive scents, 
The music swells, the merry crowd augments, 
And with delirious ecstasy and haste 
The fleeting hours by flying feet are chas'd. 
The final galop comes, with rush and roar 
The giddy throng whirls madly round the floor ; 
Frilled skirts eclipse no longer rounded charms, 
And wicked waists are clipp'd by clasping arms ; 
Cheeks rouged and chalked, not wisely and not well, 
Leave smudges on the shoulders of the swell ; 
And here and there excited demireps 
Delight old roues with the can-can steps ; 
Sounds the last chord, and through the swinging 

doors, 
Terpsichore her rapt adorers pours. 
Now sounds of revelry the ear disturb, 
And carriages and hansoms line the curb. 
Delicious burdens, fashionable and frail, 
Big swells, immaculate in tie and tail. 



io6 



The Silictd; or, 



Dive into shady brough ms, and swearing trist, 
Drive to the Groves of the Evangelist. 




And hundreds now the teeming pavement fill, 
Who moving on— for such the p'liceman's will, 
'Midst a melange of " Damns" and "Dieus" and 

"Gotts"— 
Seek, some of them, for sustenance at " Scotts* |" 
While others, not so lucky, and not proud, 
Forage for supper 'mong the busy crowd. 

All this, the sort of scene that does not vex 
The w r orthy magistrates for Middlesex. 
Here is no vice ; this is a proper scene, 
Which suits the reign of our most virtuous Queen. 
The throngs of nameless girls, the crestless brough'ms 
That haunt these well-conducted dancing-rooms, 



The Siege of the Seats. 



10? 



Cannot offend or pain the most precise. 
Who dares to say they are the home of vice ? 
No ! such a harmless, homely, quiet place 
Deserves judicial clemency and grace ; 




But Cleveland Hall, that is a different thing ; 

The magisterial mind itself can't bring 

To tolerate so vile a haunt as that ; 

So promptly on its wicked owner sat. 

For there the wicked shop assistant goes, 

To have a polka in his Sunday clothes ; 

There he would bring — O, woe ! that sin's so rife ! 

The maid he meant some day to make his wife ; 

There steady boys would bring their sisters fair, 

That they for Christmas parties might prepare ; 

And — o'er such profligacy drop a tear ! — 

Would treat themselves to tea and ginger beer. 

What wonder that such deeds so foully rank, 

Soon in the magisterial nostrils stank, 

And that, with angry word, condemning frown, 

The Hall of Cleveland was put sternly down ; 



io8 The Siliad; or, 

While, home of virtue and of moral grace, 
The Rooms of Argyle flourish on apace ! 

Meanwhile the three had dallied, drank, and danced, 
And, by the charms of syrens three entranced, 
Had for the time their fortunes linked with theirs, 
And with one voice for supper each declares ; 
Then where to sup becomes their great concern, 
As supperwards unanimous they turn. 
One mentions " Scott's/ ' another Verey names, 
A third asserts the Cafe Regence' claims. 
The " Globe/ ' another says, it's very nigh 
" The Cremorne Branch," a fifth says, " let us try ! " 

But Liobed preserved his peace, till when 
They each have said their say, up says he then, 

" Leave it to me, no place you name will do, 
But have no care, and I will take you through : 
The houses mentioned shut at twelve o'clock, 
And p'lice inspectors hungry mortals mock ; 
The house /know is under no such law," 
And his companions heard with joyful aw T e ; 
And, hearing, trusted him, and in a trice 
Descended the main artery of vice. 

The Haymarket is crammed ; assorted hosts 
Besiege the Hebes of the " Old Blue Posts," 
Push in to patronize the Barnes called Ned — 
Barnes, where, alas ! wild oats are garnered — 
Or loll o'er coffee — rather dreary work — 
With horse-leech damsels in the " Divan Turc." 

Now, as Bersites and Peelides sped, 
Damsel on arm, by their companions led, 
They mark some forms that pass them on the pave, 
And from their comrade information crave. 



The Siege of the Seats. 109 

" Who goes," Bersites says, with towering head, 
With chest so broad, and shoulders broader spread ? 

"That," Liobed replies, as curt he nods, 
" Renaldes is, the vilest of the gods, 
Awed by no shame, by no respect controll'd. 
In scandal busy, in abuse most bold, 
With vicious malice studious to defame, 
Filth is his joy, and nastiness his aim. 
But chief he glories, in most ribald style, 
To stab the great and monarchs to revile. 
His cloak Reform, economy his theme, 
But Royal scandal his delight supreme." 

He ceased. Peelides then, in turn, enquires — 
" What man is that whose eye Silenus fires ? " 

And passes then a young man, slim and fair, 

Simple in face, sawdusty as to hair. 

Replied the night-bird known as Liobed, 

" That swell is young Lord Nouverie," he said; 

" A curious youth, who with his money parts 

To court the muses and support the arts ; 

Who, ere his whiskers had completely grown, 

Possessed a comic paper of his own ; 

But though wet-nursed by some one in Debrett, 

It died quite young, nor fell the world regret. 

Then chose our noble friend to be M.P., 

And of th' Olympian Theatre lessee ; 

For swells like now to hold a playhouse lease ; 

Good form 'tis thought, and Lais helps to please 

A girl or two sufficed in times gone by, 

But now the peers for Thespian honours vie ; 

It is so nice for one to have a chance 

To put some favourite on to act and dance ; 

So with his new emprise his soul he cheers, 

And blows his trumpet in the public's ears. 



no TheSilictd; or 9 

Not long since did a noble baron strive, 
'Twas said, the Nation's Drama to revive, 
And spent a score of thousands in the plan ; 
It seems the hour had come, but not the man. 
Yet now again, if rumour puts it fair, 
One's caught again within the Fowler's snare. 
He may improve. So far, you must admit, 
The British Drama's not improved one bit." 

" Improved ! " Bersites quoth, " the stage improved ! " 
His stirring tones showed he was deeply moved. 
" What do we find at houses half a score ? 
A state of things we cannot but deplore. 
The modern stage, the ' light of love ' one arms 
With one more place where she may show her charms ; 
Where she her witchery may advertise 
'Neath lime-light's glare to scores of eager eyes. 
These pseudo-actresses the drama curse, 
The plague goes on, the cancer's growing w T orse ! 
These painted dollies, utterly inane, 
Incapable of acting, pert and vain, 
Ride in their carnages to ply their trade, 
Splashing the mud upon the virtuous maid ; 
And every night go through their foolish tricks, 
To draw a weekly wage of three-and-six. 
'Tis this invasion of these nameless hordes 
That drives all honest talent from the boards ! " 

Bersites paused, for his oration loud 
Had gathered round the party quite a crowd; 
And P'liceman X R 8, brought by the din, 
Made overtures as though to run him in ; 
But, tickled by a shilling in his palm, 
Walked on discreetly blind, and sternly calm. 

Now hunger's pangs increase, and Liobed 
Is urged by all to do what he has said ; 



The Siege of the Seats. 1 1 1 

All longed to worship at Silenus' shrine, 
And toy with Ganymede, the boy divine. 
They gladly leave the Market's swelling noise, 
Filled with desire to taste ambrosial joys ; 
And, passing where a silent street turns down, 
Shuts close a door, and hides them from the town. 
Awhile we leave them there, what time we pass, 
To speak of other scenes beneath the gas. 

The Haymarket ! We know all flesh is grass, 
And grass makes hay ; 'tis human hay, alas ! 
That, freely dealt in, forms in greater part, 
The staple traffic of this hideous mart. 
Pleasure's Exchange ; bullion the basis here ; 
The dirty gold ring ; sensual Mammon's sphere ; 
Not unlike, in some features, Gresham's Hall, 
Where price is everything, in rise or fall ; — 
And thus the motto might be read, whereof; 
"The Earth's the Landlord's, and the Fat thereof.'' 
Here is the Carnal Capel Court, where vice 
Imparts her tariff, and proclaims her price. 
Here stocks are quoted ; some at premium stand ; 
And " French " are lively, and in great demand ; 
" Belgians " are sluggish, though there is no lack ; 
The trade in "Africans " is rather slack; 
Of " British," high and low, the prices range, 
Although the top quotations show no change. 
You can from these your cheres at pleasure cull ; 
" Shirtings " are active, and " Domestics " dull. 
Here is no secrecy, no guarded gates, 
But all can deal at open market rates. 
And deal in what ? — ! candour, close thy page, 
Nor write the scandal of this canting age. 

O England, quick to note another's sin, 
Canst thou not clean this ugly spot within 



1 1 2 The Siliad; or. 

The greatest city of thy mighty land ; 

Nor waste thy warnings on a foreign strand ? 

Or can thy nostrils only sniff the stench 

Of immorality, when it is French? 

Look thou at home, survey the nightly scene, 

Close to the palaces of thy pure queen 

(Altho* the walls of Buckingham the Chaste 

Have lately blushed to see the Shah's vile taste); 

See there unblushing sin, and brazen shame, 

Polluting all thy virtuous name and fame. 

No land throughout God's universe, we wis, 

Shows vice so low, so gross, so base as this. 

Here is a subject for thy serious thought, 

This evil thou upon thyself hast brought ; 

See in this open sensuality, 

The fruit of thy wide-spread hypocrisy. 

Of all this public vice, the primal cause 

Seek in society's unwritten laws. 

The laws that her poor fallen sisters place 

In utter irretrievable disgrace ; 

That for a woman's sin no sorrow show, 

But cruel stones unmercifully throw ; 

That have no trace of Christ, and what He taught, 

But are with cruel Israel's instincts fraught ; 

That choke all charity, sound pity's knell, 

And hound poor fellow creatures on to Hell ! 

'Tis midnight! closed should be the cafe's doors, 
But here is one, and girls go in by scores ; 
And by no ordinary cause impelPd, 
For here, for " fallen women's " being held 
A Midnight Meeting. O most pregnant phrase ! 
It is indeed the midnight of their days. 
What of the morning, when all yet was well ? 
What of the noontide, when the shadow fell ?^ 



The Siege of the Seats. 

What of the twilight, and the dusk of eve D 
Why till the midnight, help and succour leave ? 



"3 




Could not religion seize an earlier time, 

And save these lost ones in their youthful prime ? 

Philanthropy commences far too late ; 

Why need it for the midnight watches wait ? 

Why not to causes natural appeal, 

And with the root of all the mischief deal ? 

If foul the streamlet runs, cleanse not its course, 

But find and purify its tainted source. 

So should these philanthropic efforts tend 

To check the start and not convert the end. 

Amongst the girls who crowd the cafe's floor 
Is one who lurks behind a folding door. 
A lovely form— a man-compelling face, 
A velvet costume cover'd o'er with lace. 



8 



ii4 The Siliad; or, 

No sign of penitence her features show, 
Not hers the contrite sigh or wail of woe ; 
She does not listen much to what is said — 
Defiance obvious in her well-borne head. 
She does not kneel, she does not join to sing, 
Her hazel eyes contemptuous glances fling, 
Till she with artless laugh and parting stare 
Collects her skirts and gains the outer air, 
Where waiting brough'm and pawing horses stood 
To bear her to the villa in the Wood. 
The mask falls off, a woman now she seems, 
And her past life comes back to her in dreams. 

A country cottage set about with trees, 
Hemmed in with flowers, and lulled with hum of ' 

bees. 
A village maiden, silly, thoughtless, wild, 
And beautiful — a petted, only child ; 
A heartless villain compassing her fall ; 
Seduction, ruin,— there — you have it all. 
He basely lied — such scoundrels ever do — 
She loved him, fled with him, and thought him true. 
Sick of his toy, and wearying of her love, 
He threw her from him like a worn-out glove. 
And she, whate'er she does, where'er she turns, 
The bitter, shameful lesson, wretched, learns, 
That, if a poor weak maiden love too well, 
She's cast forthwith into a social hell. 
The foulest criminals a hearing claim, 
Not so the child who loses her fair name ; 
Extenuating facts in vain she pleads, 
Not one who listens, nor her protests heeds ; 
Not one will point her to the better way, 
Or back to virtue lead the feet that stray ; 
But rather every one, with cursing breath, 
Will drive the stricken creature on to death. 



The Siege of the Seats. 115 

The priest and Levite have no balm for her, 
There's no Samaritan to minister 
To her great need ; and worse, nay, worst of all, 
Her human sisters, like fell Harpies, fall 
Upon her in her woe ; harsh insults fling, 
That like the forked tongues of adders sting ; 
And, hard as adamant and cold as ice, 
They grind to sin and crush her into vice. 

O Virtue ! everlasting be thy fame ! 
What hideous acts are done in thy fair name ! 
And Modesty ! — 0. word, how misapplied, 
'Tis time that in thy modern sense thou'dst died ! 

And she, the girl who fell ?— Deceived and spurned 
With heavy heart to her lost home she turned, 
And finds — great God, that such a thing can be ! — 
But chilly welcome at her mother's knee ; 
Meets father's frown; and bitter words she hears, 
Which freeze her love and dry repentant tears. 
When prodigals return, great things are done, 
But then the prodigal must be a son — 
Forthwith the fatted calf is killed for him ; 
His sire's eyes with welcoming tears are dim, 
His sins forgotten and his faults condoned, 
With pride as son he once again is owned. 
But take the daughter who, not worldly wise. 
Has been the victim of a villain's lies, 
And, robbed of honour, brings a bleeding heart 
That loving looks and words may heal the smart. 
No father runs to meet her on the way, 
No mother proudly hails the happy day 
Which brings her back, but loud reproaches burst 
Upon the girl, as though she were accurst. 

" You bring," the parents say, " disgrace and shame 
Upon our hearth and home, our name and fame." 

8—2 



1 1 6 The Siliad; or, 

And why disgrace ? — because 'tis so decreed 
By cursed Mrs. Grundy and her breed, 
Who, with an inconsistence past belief, 
Condemn the robbed one and extol the thief. 
How long shall we endorse this doctrine odd, 
And this Unrighteous Gossip make a god ? 
Will not a winged St. Michael new arise, 
And hurl this demon from our social skies ? 

How could the poor lost girl at home abide, 
Where everything combined to wound her pride ; 
Where parents made her feel her abject case, 
And kind relations talked of her disgrace ; 
Where neighbours jeered, and left her in the lurch, 
And e'en the parson preached at her in church ? 
It could not be, and once again she fled, 
No longer innocent ; her heart had bled 
In vain ; she now no more to virtue leaned ; 
The sorrowing sinner went away a fiend. 
Who made her such, Omniscient Goodness knows; 
He will decide when He to judgment goes. 

She came to Babylon, threw down her gage, 
War 'gainst society and men to wage ; 
And clever, pretty, winsome to a fault, 
She at the " Argyle" made her first assault. 
Successful proved it, and a baron's son 
Was her first captive ; soon was he undone ; 
For with her heartless, yet bewitching ways, 
She ruined him in less than fourscore days. 
Encouraged in her course, by nature apt, 
She speedily had half a dozen trapt ; 
With all her better feelings turned to greed, 
She loved to make her slavish followers bleed ; 
And in a single season, far and near, 
Was hailed the Sovereign of the Hemisphere. 



The Siege of the Seats. 1 1 7 

And what a queen she was ; no regal hand 

Was e'er more proudly potent in command; 

No queen, however virtuous and royal, 

Had ever subjects more completely loyal; 

And merciless and reckless in her reign, ] 

She scattered death and ruin in her train, \ 

A thoroughly Swinburnian " Queen of Pain." ) 

And this is she whom folding doors concealed, 
Of whom had Liobed the life revealed. 
'Twas " Golden Nell," the siren of the West, 
Whom we but lately left in dreamy rest. 
'Twas she who laughed to scorn the preacher's 

word 
With ringing laughter, like to warbling bird ; 
To hear a priest invite her to repent, 
To her seemed mockery : what could be meant ? 
She had repented once — long years ago, 
When but one speck defiled her heart of snow ; 
And then her penitence but gained for her 
Parental coldness and the world's harsh slur. 
A helping hand, a loving look and word 
Had saved her then ; but now, ''twas quite absurd. 
Repent ? Of what ? Of fortune and renown ? 
Repent and abdicate ? Throw riches down ? 
Go to a Refuge ? Be a household drudge ? 
Or work a " Singer," or a mangle ? — Fudge ! 
Not she, indeed ! and so, as has been told, 
She to her villa in her carriage roll'd. 
The Midnight Meeting comes, alas ! too late : 
From one, judge all ! though moralists may prate. 

And what will be the future of this girl ? 
She may be married — one is — to an earl ; 
She may her earnings squander, and come down 
Amongst the lowest women of the town. 



1 1 3 The Siliad; of, 

She maybe careful, on her means retire, 

And from her carriage preach about hell lire. 

She may in time — it is not great the fall — 

Keep on her own account a house of call. 

She may, stung by remorse which never dies, 

Leap into Lethe from the Bridge of Sighs. 

Again, she may — read Wilkie Collins' play — 

Turn pious in a most suspicious way ; 

For former privilege she still asserts, 

And courts the curate while he her converts. 

(Strange, that a noted novelist thus tries 

A modern Lais to apotheosize ; 

Strange, critics, who " Formosa " so decried, 

Accept with praise a harlot deified !) 

More likely, though, like many Cyprian queens, 

She'll quit at early age these mundane scenes ; 

For dissipation and debauchery 

Are trusty servants of mortality ; 

Like, she will lie unhonoured and unknown. 

With none to raise the usual votive stone ; 

On which, in letters deep, should be engraved, 

"Here lies a life which might have well been saved, 

But heartless cant decided she should be 

A martyr to this land's hypocrisy. 

Pause, passer by ! nor dare to say unclean ! 

For Christ receives the sinful Magdalen.'' 

Enough! We'll draw the curtain round her head; 
A fitting act, for Helen is in bed. 

And speed we now — it is a change complete- 
To those left turning down the silent street. 
For they, by burly bully well surveyed, 
Had passed the door, their way upstairs had made, 
And mingling with a crowd in vinous state, 
They worshipp'd at the noisy shrine of Kate. 



The Siege of the Seats. 119 

" O, buxom woman ! handsome in thy day, 
Whose gay career th' police-courts cannot stay; 
Thou shining night-bird, with the gaudy wings I 
Whose praises every fast young Grecian sings ; 
Thou source of liquor after licensed hours ! 
Thou brave defier of the legal powers ! 
If e'er with thee I've spent a merry night, 
And drunk champagne until the morning light ; 
If e'er I've brought fresh victims to thy fane, 
Who have been instrumental to thy gain ; 
If e'er beneath thy all-pervading gas, 
I've hurled the jagged soda-water glass ; 
If e'er I've met here all the ' bloods ' of town, 
And either knocked them up or knocked them down ; 
Then, comely Kate, thy amplest means employ, 
And let our supper be a thing of joy ! 
Let no guitar-stringed chick our table grace, 
Veneer-like ham upon it have no place ; 
Let no petroleum ' cham ' our taste offend, 
No logwood port to our disorder tend ; 
But let the banquet be the very best 
That e'er thy sham mahogany has press'd ! " 

Thus Liobed did pray — and Kate attends, 
And from her chair behind the bar descends. 
Moved in her rustling garments, full and ripe, 
And hissed her orders down a leather pipe ; 
Then she — " O, Liobed, thy prayer is heard, 
It shall be done according to thy word ; 
For thee and thine the banquet shall be spread 
In my own secret chamber overhead. 
Ascend ; I have provided light and fire, 
And please to ring for aught thou may'st require." 

Peelides and Bersites gave assent, 
Aud with the damsels up the stairs they went ; 



I2 o TheSiliad; or y 

First Liobed, who, hurrying on before, 

Turned the bright knob, and ope'd the welcome 

door. 
But what is this that meets his wond'ring sight? 
What face is that as dusky as the night ? 
That jewell'd form, those cruel, wicked eyes 
That sparkle savagely at this surprise. 
^ It is the Shah ! " a voice cries in the gloom, 
For Liobed had gone to the wrong room. 
It was the Shah ; the wily potentate 
Was studying the secrets of our State, 
Which three fat actresses, with might and main, 
Had been in turn endeavouring to explain. 

And here the muse breaks off to just exclaim — 
O, London ! be it ever to thy shame, 
That, losing what thou hast of common sense, 
Thy ardour for the Shah was so intense, 
That, being so completely off thy head, 
This savage prince by thee was worshipped. 
Think what he was, how wicked and unclean, 
How rudely ostentatious, and how mean ! 
Think what he made the Palace where he stayed, 
The sacred place where Albor'sfeet had strayed ; 
Remember how the genial Bairton growled 
To have to purify the rooms he fouled. 
What went'st thou out to see— what led thy feet 
To stand for weary hours along the street ? 
What did'st thou want ? whatever could it be 
That thou did'st crush and push and pay to see ? 
A brown man, jewelled, sinister and vain, 
Too strong to live with, and too weak to reign ; 
Who, though descendant of Darius great, 
Had to a foreign baron pawned his State. 
A cruel Eastern sensualist, at best, 
Unfit for widowed Queen as honoured guest. 



The Siege of the Seats. 121 

O, London ! thy bad taste 'twill ever fix, 
That thou went frantic o'er those Asian tricks ! 

Not wishing on the Persian to intrude, 
Nor clash with what appeared an interlude 
Between the sterner studies he pursued, 
Did Liobed, not wishing to be rude, 
Bring-to the door, and winking slyly, brought 
His comrades to the chamber that they sought. 
And said Bersites, " It is strange, indeed, 
That any Persian acting Ganymede, 
Should not the portal close, and safely lock, 
Lest unsuspecting visitors he shock." 
To this Peelides, " Let us live and learn, 
And see that thoroughly our key we turn." 
Said Liobed, " Oh ! bosh, don't that begin, 
How can they bring our long-wished supper in?" 
So they, both hungry, seeing he was right, 
Made love becomingly beneath the light ; 
And, till the advent of the supper tray, 
They worshipp'd Venus in a quiet way. 

And yet the room the visitor invites 
To thorough worship and elaborate rites ; 
The ceiling glass, tall mirrors line the walls, 
Beneath, the footstep on pile velvet falls, 
Three satin-covered couches — one sky blue, 
And one coal-black, and one rich crimson's hue ; 
Such charming couches, too, so full of Spring, 
That you expect to hear the cuckoo sing ; 
The pictures all one sentiment express — 
'Tis female loveliness, unmarred by dress — 
Godiva clothed in chastity, doth ride ; 
And Venus rises glowing from the tide ; 
Andromeda unclad, but by a chain, 
From prisoning rock sobs loudly o'er the main ; 



122 The Siliad ; or, 

The Graces three their natural charms display ; 

And Leda tempts the Swan to come her way ; 

Phryne, uncovering, calms her judges' wrath ; 

Proud Cleopatra issues from her bath ; 

And, like a glorious and voluptuous dream, 

Nausicaa plunges in the happy stream. 

A fountain bubbles with a rich perfume, 

Soft waxen tapers soothe while they illume ; 

Celestial music fills the sensuous air, 

And steeps the soul in rapturousness rare. 

Such are the joys, and such the transports 

great, 
Of those who win the confidence of Kate. 

But now appear a brace of Hebes fair, 
And dexterously the table they prepare ; 
A fair white linen cloth at first they place, 
With silver treasures then its surface grace ; 
Glass thin and brittle, w^.re of Minton's best, 
Apply to appetite a further zest ; 
Ambrosial rolls, the finest flour of wheat, 
Insular " natives/' fresh, and plump and sweet; 
A lobster salad, crisp and creamy white, 
Where to one end th' ingredients all unite ; 
Nor oil, nor egg, nor cayenne doth assert 
Superior presence to the general hurt ; 
A capon boiled, with sauce of Bechamel, 
Croquettes ; potatoes a la maltre d' hotel; 
An ox-tongue rolled ; fowl a la mayonnaise ; 
A voUau-vent; tomatoes cooked two ways ; 
A fricassee of chickens ; lamb and peas ; 
And devili'd kidneys, — Liobed's were these. 
See lighter joys the merry meal completes, 
And cloy the taste with surplusage of sweets ; 
A snowy trifle, volatile as air, 
Ice creams, meringues, and tipsy cak^ are here ; 



The Sie°c of the Seats. 1 2 1 

Charlotte-aux-pommes ; stewed pippins lost in cream, 

And Creme de Noyeau, lusciously supreme. 

But long ere this, the fairer Hebe brings 

A goblet fit for Deities and Kings, 

Superbly chased, emboss'd with studs of gold, 

Two feet support it, and four handles hold. 

On each bright handle, bending o'er the brink, 

In sculptured gold, a goddess seems to drink; 

And as men's eyes around its circle rove, 

See they the exploits amorous of Jove. 

Here, presses he Ixion's matchless dame, 

Whence rose Pirithous, like the gods in fame. 

There, lovely Danae feels the shower of gold, 

Stream into life, whence Perseus brave and bold. 

Here, as a bull, he with Europa toys ; 

There, as a swan, he laves in Leda's joys. 

But not on these the guests' attention falls, 

And loudly Liobed for nectar calls ! 

Nor calls in vain ; for, as his voice is heard, 

A damsel enters, echoing his word. 

First, her white hand the massy goblet takes, 

And in it pounded ice and sugar shakes ; 

Then, w T arbling an Anacreontic strain, 

More than half fills it with carte-blanche cham- 
pagne. 

Next, with a pop, a cork she skywards sends, 

And now the hissing soda-water blends, 

With curacoa a glamorous taste bestows, 

Lastly with herbs the beading surface strows ; 

Then stirr'd, the nectar overlooks the brim, 

And laughing bubbles on its surface swim. 

" See," said the Hebe, with her shoulders bared, 

u The draught prescribed I have forthwith pre- 
pared ; 

Drink all of ye ; drink long, and oft, and deep, 

And may Silenus us in safety keep." 



124 The Si Had; or> 

So said, and went, and each in order sips 
The golden cup with parched and eager lips ; 
Salubrious draughts their burning thirst allay, 
And make their blood dance gaily on its way. 
So minutes fly ; but all with one accord 
Still dally round the sumptuous supper-board ; 
Each eats with heartiness, all drink with will, 
And oft the golden goblet they refill. 
# # * * * 

At length repletion follows appetite, 
And surfeit emanates from great delight ; 
Peelides pays the bill. O, muse, be dumb ! 
Nor 'fright us with a mention of its sum ! 
And then, bestowing on them liberal dowers, 
The three dismiss their damsels to their bowers. 

But they, the three, being in happy state, 
Remain to have a final glass with Kate ; 
And she is happy too, and gossip flies, 
To echo which would be to compromise 
The peace of many in the lofty set, 
Which figures in the pages of Debrett. 
For Kate's had been the trusted trysting-place 
Of many nobs who did not go the pace, 
Confessedly — yet seeming solemn prigs, 
Were secretly extremely fond of " rigs." 

So, caring not how moments fly, they sit, 
And all decide to make a night of it. 
Hebes, this time in lowly disarray, 
Bring odorous mocha on a silver tray ; 
And, staying now and then to toy and pet, 
With deftness roll the fragrant cigarette. 
The weeds they light, on Nicotina call, 
And dreamy ecstacy comes down on all ; 



The Siege of the Seats. 125 

With what haps next not ours is it to deal, 
For clouds of smoke ascend, and all conceal. 
How long they lingered need not here be said ; 
But, as the morn with early blushes spread 
Aurora's cheeks, and bid her ringers white 
Draw back the murky curtains of the night, 
A sudden sound upon the silence broke, 
And lightly-sleeping Liobed awoke ; 
One moment listened, then with eager cries 
Bade all the sleeping company arise. 

Cried he, " The noise of trampling feet I hear, 
Thickening this way and gathering in my ear. 
Methinks the force approach ; I know the sound 
Their well-drilled Bluchers make upon the ground : 
There yet is time ; come swiftly then, arise ! 
Nor be the victims of a night surprise ! " 

He said, and pulled Peelides by the nose ; 
Trod with effect upon Bersites' toes ; 
Then, with a shake, awakened Mistress Kate, 
And briefly told their very parlous state. 
In vain, for she declares, while he deplores, 
Her house is not provided with back doors. 
Loud, and more loud, the coming footsteps beat, 
So near, 'tis vain to think about retreat; 
And all within the house, alarmed, effect 
A hasty gathering, and in fear collect, 
Till from all quarters, twenty men, all told, 
Together meet, and hasty conference hold. 

" It will not do for us to here be found ! J? 
Bersites says ; comes an assenting sound ! 
il 'Tis well ! " he thus goes on ; " then we must 

fight 
A passage through these guardians of the night. 



126 The Siliad; or, 

They line the street ; no moment must be lost; 
A minute hence the threshold will be cross'd. 
Let each one, then, his nerve and courage brace, 
To save himself from night-cell and disgrace ! 
Blows we shall get ; but better blows to-night 
Than Knox to-morrow. On, then, to the fight ! " 

Rises the clamour of assent once more ; 
Each fist is clenched, each foot points to the door ; 
Each stick is with a desp'rate ardour press' d, 
When Kate stepped forth, and thus the swells address' d— 

" O ye, on w r hom both I and mine depend^ 
May Venus guard you to the pleasing end ! 
Safe may ye pass, by ' peelers ' undelay'd. 
Safe by your valour to your clubs convey'd ; 
And let some deeds this signal night adorn, 
To claim the praise of * bloods ' as yet unborn. 
Go forth ; and if by any means you fail 
Be mine to come to you and find you bail ; 
But falter not, strike home, nor spare your foe, 
For what a bobby is you all well know. 
Woe to the man he captures ; sad his fate ! 
For him the tortures of the close cell wait : 
'Gainst him the force cooked evidence prepare, 
Take mutual counsel, and all falsely swear. 
Small is his chance, his jeopardy immense, 
Unless the magistrate have common sense ; 
So let your souls, by thought of this inspired, 
To vie' try pass, by love of freedom fired ! " 

Now came a thund'rous knocking at the gate, 
The frighten' d damsels cling for help to Kate, 
While with a sudden and stentorian shout 
Bersites, followed by the rest, rushed out. 



The Siege of the Seats. 1 27 

In one firm band the front door ranged around, 
A cloud of " peelers " blackened all the ground. 
Shoulder to shoulder various numbers stand, 
An unsheathed truncheon ready in each hand,, 
When, with the shout alluded to above, 
Out dart the pent up votaries of love ; 
As torrents roll, increased by numerous rills, 
With rage impetuous down the echoing hills ! 
As crowds, long waiting, rush on Boxing Night, 
For forward places in the pit to fight ; 
So came the twenty through the open door, 
And with a war-whoop on the blue-coats bore ; 
Now man with man, with helmet gibus closed, 
To truncheon stick, and fist to fist opposed ; 
Host against host with force vehement drew, 
The sounding blows in quick succession flew ; 
" Peelers " and swells join in promiscuous cries, 
And shrilling shouts and wicked words arise. 

The bold Bersites, he the score men led, 
Was first who struck a p'liceman on the head ; 
With sturdy stroke he through the helmet drives 
His trusty stick ; in vain X 20 strives 
To guard it off; down on his poll it flies, 
And dazzling fireworks play before his eyes, 
Till, losing at one time his sense and feet, 
He topples o'er and lies along the street. 
To spoil him, Liobed with ardour flew, 
Seized he his helm, and forth a penknife drew, 
Cut with a skilful stroke the leather band, 
And held an empty helmet in his hand ; 
The casque triumphant in the air he threw, 
His friends with shouts the welcome trophy 

view, 
And either side, oblivious of its pain, 
The war renews ; the warriors bleed again. 



128 The Siliad; or, 

In blooming youth fair Moulankides fell, 
A sergeant's truncheon overcame the swell; 
Flat Moulankides ! who as prone he lay, 
With feeble moaning, muttered, " Mabel Gray." 
Short fell his stroke ! his prowess all in vain ! 
He early falls, nor fights that night again. 

This saw Peelides, and, with grief enraged, 
Strode where the foremost of the foes engaged, 
Armed with no weapon save of fists a pair, 
He vengeance vows for Moulankides fair, 
And to the sergeant drawing very near, 
Sends home his " left " below the dexter ear; 
Without a cry the stalwart sergeant reels, 
His eye-balls darken as the blow he feels ; 
And falling backwards with a ponderous sound, 
His bull's-eye lantern rattles on the ground. 

His fall his men affects, and for a while 
On the patricians fortune seems to smile; 
They all with shouts press on, and drive right hard 
The yielding myrmidons of Scotland Yard. 
And Kate, too, now, from fourth floor's towering 

height, 
Shines forth revealed, and animates the fight : 

" My own, heboid, nor spare your hardest blows, 
Push on, rush headlong on your frighted foes ! 
Let once for all the sneaking blue-coats feel 
They have with no mean enemy to deal. 
Fight on, my swells, fight on, and I and mine 
Will votive chaplets round your temples twine ! " 

While thus the fat one animates the foe, 
Alarms and shouts still fill the street below ; 
Now Duffridanos falls, and makes no sign ; 
In vain his valour and authorial line ; 



The Siege of the Seats. 129 

Two constables have borne him to the ground, 
And o'er his forehead bleeds the gaping wound. 
The force rush furious, as inert he lies, 
And take him off— a valuable prize, 
But not for long, for with a mighty spurt 
His friends advance, and, rolling in the dirt 
The men who guard him, proudly bear him back, 
And place him in the rear, safe from attack. 

Thy fate was next, X 19 Reserve ! 
Useless thy prowess and undoubted nerve ; 
. The captured truncheon reach' d thee from afar, 
Butlairos hurled— that mighty son of war ; 
Full on thy nostrils — awful wipe, it came ; 
There, after all, is something in an aim. 
Then fell Oombeltes, expert in the chase, 
First in the hunt, the battue, and the race ; 
A blow, behind, his animation stops, 
And, Spanish-scrip-like, Guelphos' henchman drops. 
Thus fared the fighters, thus the battle sped, 
In every quarter rages Liobed ; 
Amid the swells, amid the blue-coat band, 
Those cheers he on, these fall beneath his hand. 
Now here, now there, he darts from place to place, 
Attacks their flank, or thunders in their face ; 
Armed with a cudgel, boundless in his ire, 
Drives back police, and makes the foe retire. 
With grief, the leader of the men in blue 
Sees the wide waste that from the w r eapon flew ; 
With grief he sees his men disabled fall, 
And seeing, doth resolve for aid to call. 

" Hence I" so he says to his most trusty aide, 
" Seek Scotland Yard, and let all haste be made 
To send me help, a dozen men or more, 
Or this night's work will Endersohn deplore. 

9 



150 The Si Had; or, 

If succour come not quickly, I must yield, 
And draw my forces from the fighting-field.'* 

Thus said Inspector, and E 20 heard, 
So did Bersites — ay, his every word ; 
And as the emissary onward sped, 
Bersites marked, and thus to Liobed — 
" O friend, our foes for reinforcements send, 
They must not come, it would our chances end. 
So I the messenger will follow hard 
And intercept his news for Scotland Yard ; 
Fight bravely on, renew the fierce attack, 
And if I fail not, I will soon be back." 

With that he slipped aside and followed fast 
E 20, him who on the mission passed. 
Along the streets the Bow Street runner hies, 
Soft, in his rear, the 'cute Bersites flies, 
Till, scarce the distance of a javelin's throw 
From Cockspur Street, he overtakes his foe, 
His collar seizes — there is no one by, — 
And chains him with his fascinating eye. 
E 20 struggled not, but quiet stood, 
And asked Bersites " What it was he would ? " 

" I would," Bersites says, " give you a crown 
To stand quite still and let me knock you down ; 
I will not hurt you, let it be pretence, 
But promise me you will not stir from hence ; 
Lie here as stunned, be on this pavement found, 
And — well— look, blue, I'll make it up a pound." 

To whom the emissary, " All serene/' 
And took the sovereign with a relish keen ; 
Then, as Bersites bade him, with a groan 
Stretched out upon a handy paving stone. 



The Siege of the Seats. i 3 1 

" But stay," Bersites says, " a moment yet, 
The spoils of battle I must not forget,"— 
With that his helmet seized, his truncheon drew, 
And sped up Pall Mali with a View Halloo ! 

Meanwhile the contest in no wise relaxed, 
Though now the Peelers' strength was overtaxed. 
For Liobed, with courage fresh imbued, 
And swelling potency, the fight pursued. 
Two powerful blue-coats combat side by side, 
And overcome patricians in their pride ; 
Till leaps he 'midst them with a furious bound, 
Bends their strong necks, and bears them to the ground 
Then loud again the swells their paeans sing, 
And dash against the ail-encircling ring. 
Now deep concern doth fill Inspector's breast, 
The foe prevailing, and his men hard press'd. 
Without the help for which he long since sent, 
What can the enemy's escape prevent ? 
For very thin his line of peelers grows, 
And scarcely hems their animated foes. 
His anxious look affects his wav'ring rank, 
When falls Bersites headlong on its flank. 
One hand the captured helmet holds on high, 
The other wields the truncheon ; and his cry 
Fresh ardour gives to his long 'leaguered friends, 
And desolation to the peelers sends. 

" The time has come," Bersites shouts ; " now form, 
And break upon the bobbies like a storm ; 
Let those least mighty bear each wounded man, 
And those still powerful form the rear and van. 
Then with one final effort, dare and do, 
Break down the living walls, and struggle through ! " 
He said, and as when rude old Boreas roars 
The flashing billows beat the whiten' d shores, 

Q— 2 



132 The Siliad ; or, 

With one long shout his listeners arose, 
And hurled themselves against their weary foes. 
Nor can those foes for longer space withstand 
This savage onslaught of the desp'rate band, 
Who onward pass, resistless in their course, 
A more than match for the uncivil force ; 
The leaders clear three peelers from their place, 
Their followers pour through the gaping space, 
Till every one, while tumult rends the sky, 
Has made escape, and then they turn and fly. 

In vain Inspector rallies all his host, 
The swells to follow as away they post ; 
Ten, numbered, lay, disabled, on the ground, 
Scarce six for active work are really found ; 
Upon the whole the leader thinks it best 
To take them home to Scotland Yard to rest. 
Depress' d they go ; nor storm the door of Kate, 
And she, repriev'd, rejoices at her fate ; 
But thinks it well, upon the following day, 
To fling to Brightstone for a lengthen' d stay. 

With hurried feet the swells Pall Mall-wards flew, 
Till safe in Phrattes' club their breath they drew. 
There, from nocturnal sweat and sanguine stain, 
They cleanse themselves, and soothe their chase and pain, 
And to their wounded comrades' comfort see,. 
With arnica and sal- volatile. 
Then in repast indulge the genial hour, 
And copiously their glad libations pour, 
With joy review their superhuman toils, 
And jubilantly glory o'er their spoils ; 
Three helmets and a bull's-eye lantern theirs, 
Four truncheons, and of Berlin gloves three pairs ; 
Then sit, nor think of coming heavy fine, 
And their crown 'd goblets foam with floods of wine. 



The Siege of the Seats. 



133 



That night, while peelers are engaged in scores, 
To bang and batter at suspected doors, 
While they watch " publics " with a jealous eye, 
And play the sneak and act the paltry spy ; 
While they with eager, brutal ardour run 
To see that none hare supper after one ; 
While they " run m " the grandmother who dares 
To go out late upon her own affairs ; 
While they this midnight visit pay to Kate, 
There are three burglaries at Rutland Gate ; 
A murder in St. Giles's, four garottes, 
And six assaults in various lonely spots ; 
But these the force do not the least concern, 
'Tis theirs to other tasks and toils to turn. 




134 The Siliad; or^ 



The Thirty- Third Battle, and the 
Acts of Gladimemnon. 

SOON as the housemaid heaved her frowzy head 
Above the clothes, that matched the dirty bed, 
Came sewage milk to soften blended tea, 
And alum'd bread by baker's trickery ; 
Down the deep areas of Carltonian homes, 
The grocer's lad with book and basket comes ; 
The whistling butcher, in his order blue, 
For orders calls — for roast, or boiled, or stew ; 
Then, bulbous roots and flowery heads succeed — 
The plants leguminous for daily need ; 
While saucy jibes, and jokes, thro' railings pass, 
'Twixt tradesman's bawling boy and kitchen lass. 

Not Gladimemnon, nor his testy chief 
Can do without their mutton or their beef ; 
The town's made up of vulgar wants, and wheels, 
Purveyors' carts providing statesmen's meals. 

Bobilloes has not gained a genial name, 
Nor does his grate confess a generous flame ; 
Still, he must eat, though careful what it is, 
And drink ; though it mayn't often run to " fizz." 
Let all men hope, excepting those he's slain, 
None his example follow, to his pain ; 
An i if his checkered fate's exchequered him, 
That he's not crossed in any curious whim, 



The Siege of the Seats. 135 

That no one his Albino locks doth comb ; 
Himself a Deputation, when at Home, 

The Foreign Office needs a mighty arm ;■— 
Pure is the produce of Blandillus' farm, 
To nourish strength, despatches to dictate, 
Or guide his Phaeton's pair through Hyde Park Gate. 




Since he, with mortals ordinary, shares 

The pains appended to the Prandial cares, 

Our harp may be perm. 

The reason why Blandillus has the gout ; — 

The Walmer beach the Warden's feet doth feel ; 

The Cinque Port's done it : — give up that green seal. 

St. Palborne notes the early hour approach ; 
Not him, like Liobed, can men reproach ; 
Pure as the ermine of his robes, when new ; 
White as the lily hand in High Church pew ; 
The loftiest place and name make him not proud ; 
His piety's acknowledged by the crowd. 
Leagues he will walk to teach a Sunday-school ; 
And he'd be bold who'd ask him to play pool ; 



i3 6 



The Siliad; or. 



Whilst All Souls, Langham Place, each week attests, 

How lawyer- saint his humble form invests, 

And holds the plate to tempt the godly guests. 

Through all temptations he has steered his bark, 

And never once was seen in any lark ; 

But gets up in the morning when it's dark 

So he may find at Heaven's gate sings the lark. 

O pattern saint o'er whom plain- workers hum, 

Thus, "Te laudamiis, Cancellarium J '" 

The pride of Dorcas meetings, in these times, 

Whose fussy praises each good woman chimes. 




In olden days, the days of Front-de-Boeuf 
(This front he has not, tho' he's face enough), 
A pilgrim to the Holy Land his role, 
For ever saving this or that dear soul ; 
Not he would boil the peas, the honest man ; 
He'd go, fair heel and toe, from here to Dan, 
If duty, him an ancient palmer, called, 
And would have shaved his head, and gone it bald. 



Those pilgrims all were, doubtless, quite sincere 
(The Classics will detect the old veneer) ; 



The Siege of the Seats. 137 

They never used their well-worn hags for greed, 

Nor any other game but good, indeed ; 

So, sure, the modern Bayard of the Bar, 

"Sans fteur et sans refiroche" his shield may 

star. 
But (that hideous but, the Templars hate), 
But, still (again a word Permissives rate), 
Anxiety will claim its dubious cares, 
Whether aroused for heart or state affairs. 
Thus, then, altho' we fear to mar men's joy, 
We feel so nervous 'bout so good a boy. 
They are so scarce, such raras aves caught, 
That no attention, love or money bought, 
Can be too much for species such as this, 
Whose garment's hem 'twould be a bliss to kiss. 
Our aspirations, then, that he will last, 
Well in the future as in the gone past, 
He will receive from us — our meaning clear — 
For, as a silk gown, he has cost us dear. 

A trip made by a pilgrim — or a slip, 
Is fearful to occur 'tween cup and lip ; 
All know what joy there is when sinners mend, 
But we're not told how saints who sin do end. 
Pardon, St. Palborne, we have kept you long, 
'Tis time to breakfast, hear the warning gong. 

The chief of all his cold sponge-bath had quit, 
Striving to make him for his labours fit, 
And after glancing at the Broadsheets brought, 
Unto his inner chief gave proper thought. 
He was not pleased with matters as they stood, 
Nor felt that he had cleared the tangled wood ; 
(Tho' scarce a man in England wields the axe 
With more dexterity, — no woodman lax) ; 
He was dispirited, in fact ; but, then, 
He's one of those recuperative men, 



138 The Siliad ; or, 

Who, tho' they keenly feel a hard-struck blow, 

Are not accustomed quick to cry "ago; " 

And now, his egg he'd scarcely all round chipped, 

And in his tea the spoon had but just dipped, 

He heard announced a name that made him glow 

With anxious hope and fervid wish to know 

If the fresh draught, drawn from bright purling 

stream, 
Looked clear and well, and touched the proper mean 
'Twixt fast and slow, a careful passage buoyed, 
Scylla to miss, Charybdis to avoid. 

The name he welcomed was of law-list bleed, 
A man of service true in times of need ; 
Expected by the chief the briefs he'd brought, 
To finish which 'gainst time his staff had fought. 

The red-taped folios Legistos hands 
Swift to the chief, and waits the next commands ; 
And Gladimemnon, o'er uneaten eggs, 
To break his fast the sharp-set law-limb begs ; 
So, nothing loth, Legistos eyes the rolls, 
And rolls his eyes, and sees two broiled soles. 

" W T ith pleasure I accept, for all this night 
My scribes have worked to have this draft all right ; 
And with these men my sympathy's so strong, 
I feel 'twas I who toiled the vigil long. 
Ah ! little those who labour think how hard 
It is to work not, and receive reward. 
But let me cease my talk of my own fate, 
And speak of what concerns the realm and state. 
Suppress, my chief, all anxious care and grief; 
Behold in this most lucid plan and brief, 
A victory complete o'er former foes, 
And, for our party, we'll not lose a nose. 



The Siege of the Seats. 



*39 



'Tis much you've } T ielded and 'tis much you've dared, 
But thro' a service long I've ne'er prepared 
So full a scheme, clever, courageous, bold. 
Nor one in which Dudizzy was so sold." 

Not slow to finish what they had begun, 
The dishes show the morning meal is done, 
And now the library invites the twain 
To see if all the clauses should remain, 
Or aught to add or note ; so it to lay 
Before the Cabinet that meets to-day. 

The careful eye and work-accustomed head, 
By labour nourished, and experience led, 
Soon sees there are some errors to correct, 
And vague-drawn items to make more direct ; 
Detects a surplusage, changes a phrase, 
And clearly orders what seemed a wild maze. 
A mighty memory classes Facts and Acts, 
Perspicuous style, that e'en his foes attracts. 




" 'Tis well, Legistos, and it must be so, 
Though what it's cost me none can ever know. 



140 The Siliad ; or, 

To give up those ideas my youth did fill, 
Approved my manhood, and which haunt me still ; 
To grant, as I do here, assent to all 
The programme which old friends will sorely gall ; 
To yield; confess the sweet delusion's past 
That chained my soul in links that held me fast ; 
All snapped and broken by what's written here ; 
Ah, friend Legistos, it doth cost me dear ! " 

Touched to the heart by Gladimemnon's grief, 
Legistos wisely knew the best relief 
Was silence on his part ; that sacred balm, 
Which from the sweetest accents bears the palm, 
And to the deepest sorrows brings release, — 
The precious gift of silence ; golden peace. 
Not long the chief emotions sad indulged ; 
Time o'er his sorrows spent he ever grudged; 
His life's best hours gave he to the State, 
In honest service working soon and late. 

Resolved he rose ; hispale face, agile form, 
Showed he'd yet front the fight and dare the 
storm. 

" 'Tis right to do ; to do it I am right, 
I'm conquered by the truths are brought to light ; 
A longer parley conscience doth refuse, 
And soon it w r ould my cowardice accuse. 
Not till I heard the blows that Ajak gave ; 
The lion-hearted, brave amongst the brave ; 
Not till he hammered out each red-hot phrase, 
Shaping it shapely, to his well-earned praise ; 
Not till he wrought it to a rounded bar, 
Free from all weakness, without seam or scar ; 
Raised it above the reach of common minds, 
Proved how one great deed yet another binds ; . 



The Siege of the Seats. 141 

Not till he broke the rotten wand of show 
With simplest word, with ne'er so small a blow, 

Did I conceive I could have found so wrong 
What I'd believed and cherished for so long. 
But I should count myself a craven heart, 
If now, convinced of what's the better part, 
I'd shrink from that wherein my duty lies, — 
To frame the measure, and the plans devise." 

So, Gladimemnon ; with that the room they leave, 
Each with a plan within a plan to weave. 
Legistos turns Pall Mall-wards in his course. 
And hails a Hansom with a well-bred horse, 
Eager to knit law-nets in meshes strong, 
For clients' Chancery-suits should last them long. 

And Gladimemnon quits Carltonian ground, 
Descends the stone steps by York's column crowned ; 
(Shadows of Walcheren that pillar brings), — 
And crosses now, beneath the son of kings, 
The walk to which tradition old ascribes 
The sale of prisons for the feathered tribes ; 
Passes the pile where India's council sit, 
Enters the street where Whigs for Rads they fit. 

Here, in the house, "Number Eleven " classed, 
The Fifteen Middle-Aged (Bobilloes' last) 
Assembled quickly, and, their greetings done — 
These not without some particle of fun — 
Agree their measures, weigh the scales and votes, 
Whilst some amongst them make the needed 

notes. 
The pressing matters of the day discussed, 
And those they settle which they know they must ; 
Then, if sufficient concord should not reign, 
The lesser strength the contest doth refrain. 



142 TheSiliad; or, 

Left, open questions — so the Council deal — 
Those not essential to the general weal ; 
Or, when the pear's not ripe enough to pick, 
Advisers deprecate all action quick. 

Now Gladimemnon curbed the more advanced, 
Altho' not seldom to his fate it chanced 
To give assent to what, in former days, 
He'd met with hostile vote and rival phrase. 
At times 'twas his to spur the sluggish mind 
Of some joined with him, who would lag behind ; 
To prove how oft the Acts they'd dreaded most 
Were those which gained them strength, preserved their 

post. 
Occasions, too, had seen the Premier fail ; 
And those opposed to him, their views prevail ; 
Thus do the leaders learn, and fitly learn, 
That they by patience must their laurels earn. 

This is the day appointed by the chief, 
When he, to bring the nation full relief 
From hated sham and impure governance, 
Is to propose the step and lead the dance. 
He knows the path is dangerous and hard, 
And seeks, in his first sentences, to guard 
Some of the middle-aged from taking fright, 
Lest he should have them facing about right. 
But he is happy in success this bout, 
For suave Blandillus, spite the twinging gout, 
Smiles, debonair ; whilst Karlbois' fibre tough, 
Nor yet Bobilloes' milt, don't cut up rough. 

Eborian Phauztor, whose impartial mind 
Makes him to his opponent's failings blind, 
Is pleased their chief has conquered all old doubts, 
And thinks they'll be much longer " ins " than" outs ; " 



The Siege of the Seats. 

His rugged nature, Puritan almost. 

But that with firmness, softness he can boast, 



143 




Has made the " stoof M maker a real strength, 
Altho' his Teaching Bill is short, a length. 



Lank Cervington is very satisfied 
With aught that's done, so he's not to be tried, 
And acquiesces, lounging, with the band, 
His head supporting on arm-lifted hand. 
Intentions good for Ireland's weal he has, 
Though scarce adapted for a rising mass. 
Here, an apt anecdote the bards insert, 
Hoping it may the Cabinet divert ; 
As good old Lincoln, in his beset days, 
Would tell a tale to clear distemper's haze. 

" Say, Patrick, and explain the reason why, 
Now that the wind is blowing easterly, 
That flag I see yon, on the landing pier, 
Blows seaward, just as if the wind did veer 
Exactly contrary, was doubling back, 
Like beaten wolves over their former track. 
Is it due, Pat, to currents round the point ? 
Or what is't ? Is't magic ? The saints aroynt ! " 



144 The Siliad ; or, 

The Celt's opinion thus the Sassenach sought, 
And Patrick scratched his head, and caught '<. 
thought. 

" Faith, sir, it's serf in what's the matther "there, 
Oid just go anywhere the fact to swear ; 
Why, that's an Inglish flag, sir, don't you moind, 
It don't know how to blow in Irish wind." 

Wise-acres in our isle in vain expect 
That a few years will bring us love, respect, 
And think our labour should at once be blessed, 
Who have for centuries the Celt oppressed. 
Whether we English can make up the past, 
And from the Irish mind all rancour cast, — 
Here is a problem which we're working out, 
And 'bout the answer there is room to doubt. 

Now let the bards, as patriots, propose 
A plan which might, perhaps, the Home- Rule close, 
And would, at any rate, to Ireland show 
That what we hold most precious we'd forego ; 
For England would the best intentions prove 
In trusting Erin with her hopes, and love. 
When all the Stones in England have been laid ; 
And all their dining-out subscriptions paid, 
Could we not spare, just for a little space, 
One of the Princes of the Guelphic race, 
To show our fellow subjects we would share 
With them, what is our doting love and care ; 
Nor always keep, with selfishness and greed, 
For our own pleasures all the precious breed ? j 
If 'twas a sacrifice with prince to part, f ' 

And in our eyes we felt the tear-drop start, J 

And in his breast he felt sad parting's dart ; 
Both people and sweet prince their duty know, 
Would suffer bravely separation's blow. 



The Siege of the Seats. 145 

In many ways, Ireland is doing well, 
Spite Dizzy's Ocean's melancholy swell; 
With new land laws and fresh abolished Church, 
She makes the running, whilst we're in the lurch ; 
And now, to prove denial of all self, 
The Saxon offers to the Celt a Guelph. 

The mountain region and the land of flood 
Sends one who boasts of very strong blue bloody 
A captious captain in his little way, 
But fairly coloured for so short a clay ; 
Small as Miles Standish, choleric as he, 
Shrewd as a Monkbarns over a baubee, 
Fixed in the seat he occupies, 'cause born ; 
Stepfather to a daughter of Osborne. 
Thus, high in station, and connected well, 
A crest like that will make a little swell ; 
And Gargoyle does his station well adorn, 
Spouting the liberal rain as Lord of Lorn, 
And proving that the Reign of Law includes 
No tampering with Ducal lands or goods. 
Content is Gargoyle, after a reply, 
At asking apt, to learn the reason why. 

Kardilles, dual chief with Kamdux royal, 
He from Peelides learned the statesman's toil, 
And labours hard, with Gladimemnon's aid, 
That all invasion fears may be allayed ; 
In him no wondrous genius stands avowed, 
He's a good workman, if no talker loud ; 
His matter's better than his manner dry, 
Respectable his rank, if it's not high. 
He gives assent in wise and quiet tone, 
Ready the power of his chief to own ; 
He knows the nature of the step that's made. 
What issues follow thence, he's not afraid. 

10 



146 



The Siliad ; or, 



Good ale is sung in aye a ballad old, 
To cool our heat, and, eke, keep out the cold ; 
A generous diversity of use, 
If it can deal the one, and play the deuce ; 
Now, therefore, let the brewer brew good beer, 
And may it add to good men's grateful cheer ; 
So let the statesman learn the statecraft wise, 
And, by experience taught, to honour rise. 
Stetfeldes of the middle-aged is one, 
He 'low the gangway first his laurels won ; 
Promoted to the comfortable bench, 
He politics doth woo, as wayward wench. 




Stetfeldes, not on roses once he sat, 
And in a furious fight gave tit for tat ; 
The patriot Mazzini was his friend, 
'Gainst calumny he would his friend defend ; 
A low cabal sought, with outrageous bile, 
To prove Mazzini an assassin vile ; 
And held Stetfeldes up to public scorn, 
And harried him one night till early morn, 
For loving 'Liberty in other lands, 
And helping Italy to break her bands, 



The Siege of the Seats. 147 

Giving Mazzini leave for letters sent, 

That they might bear address, Stetfeldes' tent. 

That Stetfeldes should do this thing was wrong, 

Because-he'd joined the Ministerial throng, 

And thus, thro' him, Blues hoped to wound Whig 

chiefs, 
This the real reason of their loud-spoke griefs. 
Accused Stetfeldes made his answer tell ; 
Admitted that he loved Mazzini well ; 
That sub rosd, by post, to " Flowers " came, 
Letters intended for Mazzini' s name. 
Applause Stetfeldes drew from Freedom's side ; 
But many chiefs their hatred could not hide 
Of what's Republican in form or word, 
Whether it writes a line, or draws a sword. 
Their ample bucklers round about him cast, 
Brothers-in-arms support him to the last ; 
He, fearing that his deeds impede the fight, 
Quits the warm bench, and seeks another site. 
Repaid, hereafter, for the generous act, 
He shows in office industry and tact ; 
And were his health as good as his intent, 
The land would see him reach high place, content. 
What line he takes in cabinet debate, 
That may be reckoned surely as this date ; 
Swift for the goal of liberty he starts, 
Just as in moieties his hair he parts. 

A city pet was Burschen when he came 
From Austin Friars, to make a statesman's name ; 
Young for the middle-aged, with whom he sits, 
It seems that any seat he fairly fits ; 
To Neptune's empire lately he's been raised, 
And lords it well enough, and may be praised ; 
Yet he must wait before we fix his fame, 
He looks at times, and acts, a little tame. 

10 — 2 



148 %he Siliad ; or, 

We wish to know him, not a sea-horse dark, 

But rate him an A.B., a man of mark. 

If he would gain a firm and lasting hold 

On citizens — the liberal and bold — 

He should, with other Buffers of Lud's town, 

Convene an annual meeting ; see the frown, 

And note the smile ; and list when Hear, Hear, come ; 

And mark the Noes ; and where the Ears are dumb. 

Let Urban and Suburban chiefs attend — 

Demos, well gratified, his force would lend, 

And give adhesive proof, spite clap-trap cries, 

In what direction his affection lies. 

Now Luskos owns the Guildhall for a year, 

Why should not London's Camp its chieftains cheer? 

Charging with them, let gallant Bennett ride, 

The hardy horseman who. to Time is tied. 

Meanwhile, let Burschen do his level best, 

That wide his powers may be known, not guessed; 

And when Whitehall is on its trial placed, 

Let it then show it has not been out-paced 

By any fleeter bark in waters blue, 

So that the people may his term renew. 

Where Twickenham's beauties on the boat- vexed 
Thames 
Have sweet connection with loved Poets' names, 
And memories of Walpole, or the Maze, 
Mix classic studies with eccentric ways — 
There, in the villa crowning Strawberry's Height, 
Typos composed what Orford's son did write ; 
With put-on apathy, 'twas vain he posed ; 
His contrarieties his friends exposed ; 
A prince of letter-writers he's proclaimed, 
Who would have been, so meek was he, ashamed 
That any one should print such letters sent, 
Albeit they were writ with that intent. 



The Siege of the Seats. 149 

Now, nearly eighty years since Horace died, 
We visit Fruited Hill, still occupied 
By Rank, and Fashion, and Refining Arts, 
And what of value to men's life imparts ; 
Widowed so often, Muredegaie resists 
Cold shades of loneliness, and ne'er desists 
Her happiness to seek with manhood true, 
A dual state to such sweet creatures due. 
How many husbands Strongiskeus succeeds ; 
What times has Muredegaie put on the weeds ; — 
This is forgotten by the present bards, 
Altho' we'd likely find it on the cards; 
But, as with her the case, we've lost our Count, 
And can't recall to what they might amount. 
Presiding Sweetness of the leaf-crowned hill, 
Who dost so many charming rites fulfil, 
May long thy attributes confess the truth 
That Women young remain who keep their 

youth. 
Respectful adoration, thus, we pay, 
With hopes expressed that, at no distant day, 
The strawberry leaves thy coronet may wreathe, 
While prosperous Zephyrs round thy Colline breathe. 

When woman rules, small is the space for man ; 
Still Strongiskeus' s place is worth to scan ; 
The game is serious he has to play ; 
If not played well, then men will rail away : 
Two parties for relief do loudly scream, 
Toilers by Sea, and passengers by Steam. 
Scarce fifty years over his head have passed, 
Thus hardly middle-aged he should be classed ; 
A hand to many things it seems he turns, 
And, quitting Ireland's care, his Bradshaw learns ; 
The Railways studies ; and, tho' very late, 
Suggests their present Ways won't suit the State, 



150 The Siliad; or, 

Some counsel, practical, we here present 
To Trading Board and Railway President, 
Lest both, one fine day, vainly shall lament 
Their leaders lost by what's no accident. 
The lines which carry goods, arid harry men, 
Distinct must be ; so we should know that when 
We travelled by monopoly's consent, 
By " slow goods " we were not to Hades sent. 
Let common sense for once Directors quell, 
And with quick Acts the Railway Monster fell ; 
Enlarge the stations, lay down double rails, — 
Metals for Goods, and metals for the Mails. 
Grant few exceptions to this general law, 
And draw it, Jaimees, so there be no flaw. 
Votlines tries to be Excester's man, 
So let the Faithful City, as it can, 
Votlines tell that he must aid this task, 
Or else her suffrages no more to ask. 

Three years he's short of fifty summers gone, 
A youth amongst his elders, thus, he shone. 
A practised diplomatic fist he holds, 
And knows the Russian heats and Russian colds ; 
Blandillus should from him some inklings glean, 
If more are wanted than we just have seen. 
Vandomus many anxious trusts has filled, 
Nor with light pleasure has his whole time killed ; 
Seasoned to bear the calls of work or talk, 
May he upon the Gold Coast score a chalk ! 
Though Savage wars don't often earn their fee, 
We'll hope to take our Coffee, Ash-an-tee. 

And now, to crown the Cabinet complete, 
One chief remains, with joyous fame replete. 
Not in the Sacred Camp his first essays, 
Then, to the Seats in vain the Siege he lays ; 



The Siege of /he Seats. 



iSi 



Beat back, again he mounts the deadly breach, 

Learning to conquer, and his conquerors teach. 

He with the dead Cobdenus, holy shade, 

Laboured with mighty rage, and daily prayed ; 

(For time there is for thiS as well as that, 

A time for each — school muddlers, get that, $at;) 

Worked hard, and prayed, and preached, and men 

besought 
To come forth from their shells, to give some thought 
To Works, besides their Long Cloths, and their Prints, 
Something more mordant than their lilac tints. 




A footing gained at length these warriors bred, 
And this success but to fresh fighting led ; 
In camp and out, thro' spring and summer time, 
In winter, autumn ; spent they all their prime 
In conflict with the foes who held the walls, 
Who stalked in triumph their ancestral halls, 
And loud proclaimed their right to starve the poor, 
And 'gainst all foreign food to close the door. 
The weapons, and the force, and wealth untold, 
Were ranged 'gainst Ajak and Cobdenus bold ; 
The Seats were held by Squiros and his host, 
And mercenaries, too, the Blues could boast. 



152 The Siliad ; or, 

(The chiefest one who sold his sword and lance, — 

The Wycombe Red turned Blue for Maid Stone's 

chance ; 
A vivid youth in freedom's early day, 
He'll end, in alien service, Vivian, Grey.) 
Jove, with his thunderbolts, them daily slew ; 
They quick replied with telling facts and new, 
Aroused the dwellers on the liberal shores, 
Whilst Juno her old lady's rage outpours. 
Undaunted, and relying on their right, 
Where they got hold, they never lost their bite; 
Waked up the towns to form th' Achean League, 
Met force with force, exposed each fresh intrigue ; 
Lived there no chief whom -Ajak learned to dread, 
Ajak, who all those toils of battle led, 
From busy Loomanspin he draws his birth, 
And, born to combats, fears no force on earth. 
Two places in the north fair notice claim, 
To join with Ajak and Cobdenus' fame, 
One is a city on the stream of Wear, 
Cathedral- crowned — Ajak's first seat was here. 
His true frdre-d'armes, Cobdenus, Stockport won ; 
Ajak in 'forty-three ; this, 'forty-one. 

The war renewed, for neither side would yield, 
Moved Demos, under Ajak, to the field ; 
Thousands on thousands answered to the call, 
Enough whole nations to assault, appal ; 
Trained by the League, they move with one accord, 
To smite the Corn Law and the Corn Law lord ; 
Not to the dance their dreadful voice invites, 
It calls to death and all the rage of fights. 
Peelides spoke, and to his lines retired ; 
Forth rushed the youth with martial fury fired, 
Beyond the foremost ranks ; his lance he threw, 
And round the blue battalions cast his view ; 



The Siege of the Seats, 153 

Peelides' troops recede with sudden fear, 
While the swift javelin hiss'd along in air. 
Advancing, Orburn met the well-thrown dart 
With his bold breast, and felt it in his heart ; 
Thundering he falls ; his falling arms resound, 
And his broad buckler rings against the ground. 

Well marshalled facts, with sound and sober sense, 
The great League champions used with power intense 
And, fruitful growing soon, the seed they'd sown, 
" A Great Fact " Jove, one morn, the League did own 
The deed was done ; Acts gained the Queen's assent, 
And to the right-about the Blues were sent ; 
No more the cruel laws did Squiros help, 
To starve his ploughmen, and to feed his whelp. 

The Order Natural of Providence 
Abundance gives us, so we may send hence, 
Of coal, of iron, and of men's stout hearts, 
To Colonies ; Columbia ; foreign parts ; 
Whilst we demand in turn, from other climes, 
Soft silk, the cotton down, and juicy limes. 
The men whom Ajak fought would fain invert 
This plan ; and, like Alphonso, would assert 
They knew much better than the Lord himself, 
What the land wanted, even to a Guelph. 

Now let us, Ajak, credit 3 r our account — 
And to a mighty sum it will amount — 
That you did pull a Giant Error down, 
And in its place an Edifice did crown, 
Which, built on everlasting truths, will stand 
And not cave in, like Mississippi sand. 
Thus, firm, our shores that moaning wind may dare 
W T hich, like a raging tempest is to blare 



154 The Siliad ; or, 

Louder than ever Boreas blared before, 
Although Dudizzy did not state wherefore. 

The task that Ajak and Cobdenus moved 
(Ajak by whom Cobdenus was beloved) 
Was shortly ended ; — Ministerial Mind 
Could not to glaring facts keep ever blind, 
And so Peelides soft confessed, one day, 
He must to Ajak and the League give way; 
And, giving way, said, gracefully enough, 
It was to unadorned Cobdenus, tough, 
To whom was due the triumph of the change, 
Which would from former followers him estrange. 
Peelides thus, their former chiefest foe, 
With Ajak and his friend along did go. 

The conquerors now in one great battle waged, 
Their energetic action further raged 
Against all wrongs that in their path did lie, 
Urging sweet peace and wise economy. 
Good service did in many acts the twain, 
Their work unceasing for the people's gain, 
Until, alas ! Cobdenus sought the Shades, 
And Ajak missed his best of human aids : 
" I never knew," said Ajak, sorrow-tost, 
" That I so loved him, 'till I him had lost." 
The great chief, left, continued his career, 
O'ercoming prejudice of church and peer, 
Coming at last to fill an honoured seat 
At Number 'Leven, here, in Downing Street. 

What forms have passed in here these later days ! 
Some known and welcome to the public gaze ; 
Others whose presence Influence explains 
(These are for Whiggish sins the penal pains) ; 



The Siege of the Seats. 155 

v 

A few are men who've carved their own career 

(Not always by their fellows these held dear). 
Birth, rank, and riches usually seize 
The major number of the chairs with ease ; 
Altho', at times, such powder in a head, 
Knowledge will storm a sitting in their stead. 
The Blues, when in, count swells and squires, 
galore, \ 

Dudizzy calls them till there's room no more ; L 
For fifteen chairs won't hold a market score. j 
(So, spite the factions which la belle France split, 
Three men on one throne, ricketty, can't sit). 
The Buffs are better, as a general rule, 
Tho' forced to mingle here and there a fool, 
Before the Cabinet adjusts its cloth, 
For Christmas pudding or the Scottish broth. 

Some forms have passed away, and now are Shades ; 

They combat still, maybe, in warmer glades. 

The genial Pam, who piped and laughed and sung, 

And won us victories by force of lung ; 

Petted at home, a devil thought abroad, 

By men admired, by the sex adored, 

His bonnes fortunes stout folios would fill— 

Perhaps he flourishes as Cupid still. 

And he of Knowsley, with the eagle beak, 

His name in useful measures vain you seek ; 

To muzzle Demos once he said he wished ; 

But, after, passed the bill which the Whigs dished ; 

Dudizzy' s patron, this his real claim, 

For honours posthumous. O, what a fame ! 

Gone to a happier land, if that be so, 
Many a heart} 7 friend, and equal foe ; 
Athenian Aberdeen, good, sleepy man ;— 
Have Nicholas and he yet shaken han' ? 



156 TheSiliad; or, 

Lewis, the Erudite Incredulous, 

Who, without noise, and without any fuss, 

Worked, wrote, and laboured with a rare-stored mind, 

Sceptic about longevous human kind. 

Return we now to those who're quick, but slow, 
To those who live, and have not gone below. 
And one there is who sought another place, 
The first amongst a rather puny race. 
He, high above the Level of his folk, 
From strong tradition and his Order broke ; 
Came at a time when winds blew fierce and bleak 
On the shorn people : came to aid the weak, 
And brought the prestige of a lordly name 
To back a bill, and Reformation frame. 
Him, traitor, renegade, his peers declared, 
And 'mong his class it badly with him fared ; 
The men were savage, and the women snubbed ; 
And Bedstor 'tween the two got roughly rubbed ; 
His lofty patience waited, won at last, 
And none can point more proudly to the past. 
Small blots he would acknowledge on his shield, 
Yet a grand round of faithful deeds 'twill yield, 
Guided by principle, by reason led, 
His Constitution on sound fare was fed. 
He fought for civil freedom and God's laws ; 
Emancipation from the penal clause, 
Which bore on Citizens and College men, 
When they from Orthodoxy turned their ken. 
His small, but wiry frame, with joy we cheer, 
England, for him, above all things is dear. 

To higher form in our old-English school 
One has departed, whom we rank no fool ; 
Who in the lower camp showed power and strength, 
And often laid his fellow at full length. 



The Siege of the Seats, 157 

Cecilles, this, of proud and ancient stock, 
Giving and taking many a rough knock 
In ruder times ; and, in this present age, 
Cecilles hits hard in trimestrial page ; 
And gloats o'er vacant gums that can't crack nuts, 
Whilst at the Rads he bravely thrusts and cuts. 
If Blues were all like you, Cecilles stout, 
Their lower leader would not dare to flout 
The rank and file who follow him so true, 
Willing, he bidding, to call old clo' new. 
No wonder you can't stand him, and did quit 
Your Seat rather than bolster schemes unfit 
For men, with true conception of their worth, 
Their plighted words, past acts, and lofty birth. 
He, premier ! mixed of insolence and cheek, 
A curl on forehead, but with both knees weak ; 
When but with ambushed motions did he dare, 
Ne'er fighting fairly 'fore the speaker's chair ; 
J Tis yours, Cecilles, chance direct to try, 
But his to funk it, and fight very shy ; 
So much 'tis safer Blues' weak points to count, 
And pour out humbug from that ceaseless fount. 
Cecilles, bear thee well and fare thee well, 
Thou art, thy every inch, an honest swell. 

Whilst to the Shades, like Orpheus, we've gone 
(Only our song is not, whilst his is, done), 
The fifteen middle-aged, they're fourteen now, 
Have come to their resolve ; so make their bow, 
And break up, like the boys of every- school, 
Content to get beyond the reach of rule. 

Not long, thereafter, see them in the Seats ; 
Ready to enter for discussion's heats ; 
And if the best two out of three they win. 
They may be trusted for remaining " in.' ; 



158 



The Siliad ; or, 



This night some disagreeable work's to do, 
The Country's sent up such a solemn crew ; 




"raOTiTr/ijiiiiiuiiUiiii/iiiminii^ 



A heavy deputation with a view 

To turn off spirit taps, turn on the screw ; 



The Siege qf the > c 



They've had a shot at Brusis in his day.. 
. now Bobilloes has endured their say 




For changed Bobilloes is, and mighty meek ; 
(The change won't, likely, last above a week). 

The shock of conflict on the bibbing theme 
To arms calls all. — the generous and mean ; 
These would to Demos liberty deny 
To touch a pint, tho' he were ne'er so dry ; 
Those, much more thoughtful of the inner man, 
Would let him take his quart, his glass, or can. 
Hear both — the advocates who would repress, 
Thinking that all they like not is excess ; 
And those who wish men should their beer enjoy, 
And would not poor folk muzzle or annoy. 

Dryops, the champion of the heavy wet. 
Feared not th' encounter with the limpid pet, 
Lausones, whom a Northern city sent, 
To prove how strong ; gamst beer the people's bent- 
By mgrrie Carlisle sent, and Lady's Walk, 
Which give him right in Parliament to talk. 

To count t-he barrels m Dryops' s store, 
And kilderkins enumerate, would bore ; 



i6o 



The Siliad ; or, 



What vats, what boilers, and what coolers there, 
Would make permissive fanatics to stare, 
And thoughts create in minds, could such minds think, 
That some men, somewhere, " bitter" liked to drink. 




The stream of Eden thro' his borough flows, 
And in Lausones' ample breast there glows 



The Siege of the Seats. 161 

A hope that Paradise might re-appear, 
If public gardens gave up selling beer, 
And pledged 61 iro\\o\ lap but water clear. 
Lausones in the virtuous strain begun : 
(Cucullus (mark) nonfacit monachum). — * 

" Who here can doubt the harm that drinking works, 
Which poorer makes the poor, alld good thoughts 

burkes ? 
Think how he might, with money saved from beer, 
Increase his comforts, and the household's cheer. 
A groat a day to the Queen's Arms he takes, 
Which, in his wife's hands, quite a fortune makes ; 
The public-houses are the tempting snares 
Which cities ruin with their poison wares ; 
Pernicious alcohol the town invades ; 
Under its noxious fumes all virtue fades ; 
Strong men grow weak in heads, and arms, and^hins, 
And he who once could work gets groggy pins ; 
The Modern Jack who kills our giants born, 
Is he well known as Johnny Barleycorn ; 
Let us make laws to scotch this evil one, 
And try our hand to see what may be done 
To stop the drawing not alone of beer, 
But making the machines and all the gear 
Which furnish breweries, and plants, and stills, 
And let us break their measures, pots and gills. 
And further, the suppression I propose, 
Of every print and poem, and all prose, 
Which teaches there's no harm in cakes and ale,— 
And I would burn them 'fore the public jail. 

" I know that some may think this notion strong ; 
But we who feel we can do nothing wrong, 
Care not for Shakespeare, Burns, or Tommy Moore, 
We would not have them printed any more. 
Also, the great Alliance which I serve, 
Not wanting warlike sinews, or in nerve, 

II 



1 62 The SUia d; or, 

Have boldly, as befits our virtuous cause, 

Determined to demand this special clause ; — 

If any man shall long for gin or beer, ] 

He to the magistrate who liveth near > 

Shall his request in writing state quite clear, 

Attend his worship after three days' grace, 

Who will examine him, and note his face ; 

And then the Squire, Western, or maybe, South, 

Shall note if there be pimples round his mouth, 

Or coming on his nose ; or if the eye be red ; 

Or if he's eaten onions from his bed ; 

Or if he walks in-kneed ; twitches his brow 

Like butcher stands, or makes a well-bred bow ; 

Mark, if his shirt-sleeve's up, if he's tattooed, 

And has he obese grown on ploughman's food ? 

The colour of his hair, is't brown or black ? 

Is he round-shouldered at the front or back ? 

When this description is filled in with care, 

Then to three tradesmen in the neighbour'g town 

Respectable, of credit and renown, 

His passport shown and verified, tho' late, 

He shall, in three days after latter date, 

Entitled be to drink a pint of ale, 

If still he feels his thirst for rnalt not fail. 

But to this clause we add a second part 

To mar men's vicious schemes, so full of art ;— 

On no pretence, in any parish bounds, 

Shall beer be sold or drunk in house or grounds. 

Where Water may be had from pond or tank, 

"Whether it's fit to be or not be drank. 

So thus when Hodge shall think the end is near, 

He'll find we've saved his soul, to Templars dear, 

And that, in spite of efforts made to sink, 

We've rescued, 'gainst his wish, his breast from drink. 

Oh ! what a glorious warfare this we wage, 

Though not successful yet in any age, 



The Siege of the Seats, 



103 



To make men virtuous by law and force, 

And leave no chance for them and no resource, 

But to receive the benefits we give, 

Altho', ungrateful^ still, their lives they'll live, 




NJ4 S^^ur 




Condemning our Alliance with faint praise, 
And never helping us our funds to raise. 
Still, 'tis a consolation here below, 
Virtue rewards herself, as statesmen know.' 



II — 2 



164 



The Siliad; or. 



Rudely and roughly was the speech received 
With cheers ironic which his ears deceived, 




For though the House contains some cantingminds, 
The mass more pleasant, far, decanting finds. 



The Siege of the Seats. 



165 



So, poor Lausones, though well-liked enough, 
Was fain to find they classed him as a muff. 

Dryops arose ; you couldn't hear a gong ; 
They called on Whallas for a drinking song. 
He thought they wished to hear him, so replied, 
Whallas the wise, protesting priest and guide, 
That sacred seer, whose comprehensive view 
The past, the present, and the future knew ; 
Uprising slow, the honourable bore, 
Began, " The Pope, he leads — " they'd hear no more- 




Fast and contagious various fun did grow, 

And mixed the chaff with screeching- shrill cock-crow. 



i66 



J he Sihad; or, 



The seats were filled with members laughing loud, 
And the Great Senate seemed a boyish crowd ; 
To the loud tumult, and the barbarous cry, 
The benches echo, and the walls reply. 




The Siege of the Seats. 



167 



The Forty -Second Battle and Distress 
of the Whigs. 

gj SMITHEUS I know on every Railway line, 
Thy bookstall contracts form a precious mine, 




Richer by far than Californian gold, 

Thy » Paper " currency for young and old, 



i68 



The Sili ad ; or, 



Countless the cries thy myrmidons do raise, 
Mags, monthly, Journals of the weeks and days, 




" The Times, Sir, Telegraph, an Daily News ; " 
Not one short hour they'll let a fellow snooze. 



The Siege of the Seats, 169 

The Morning and the Evening make one day, 
When either doth begin there's none can say ; 
At twelve at noon we hear the Morning called, 
The self-same hour gives us its Echo bawled. 
How changed from days when thy good sire 
After the Mails did ride, and ne'er did tire, 
With relays of good steeds the coach to catch 
Had left the Cross Keys, minus its Dispatch ; 
Journals not ready when the mail did start, 
These, Smitheus senior had to carry smart, 
So that the country gentlemen might know 
Whether we'd won or lost at Busaco. 

A battle imminent all men did sniff, 
A fight of fights between two sections stiff, 
Who long had been in skirmishing array, 
Red Regulars, and Volunteers in grey. 
'Twas the old quarrel, which has oft changed name, 
But call it how you like, 'tis still the same. 
To-day 'tis Allah, yesterday 'twas John, 
Either's enough to set the battle on ; 
So joined they now the strife in our own camp ; 
And now, though Heralds did the long shots scamp, 
Yet Smitheus, the Messenger of Gods, 
Sold Jove in quires, and no end of odds ; 
For all Hoeprintus had been at it late, 
And thus the people read the Church Debate. 

Sad chance lost his eyes light, but not his mind, 
Which shone the brighter that the orbs were blind ; 
His rich, firm soul, expressed itself in words, 
Balm to the wise, but to the foolish swords. 
Upright, an honest man, and practical, 
None could him class Utopian Radical. 
Long had he pondered the religious strife, 
Fierce as a quarrel 'twixt a man and wife, 



170 The Siliad ; or. 

And clear he saw no issue of the war, 
Till priest or people stood the conqueror. 
Leagued with him in the well-developed thought, 
Were men of strength, who oft before had fought, 
In close-set ranks, led by well-trusted chiefs, 
'Gainst dominations strong, and long-borne griefs. 
These, true descendants of the Ironsides, 
With full intent had once more taken sides 
To cut up, root and branch, the Upas-tree, 
Noxious to freedom's breath — Proud Prelacy. 

Nov/, rising to his feet, Phauses the bold 
Roused stolid listeners as his tale he told. 

" For lengthened decades, Superstition's arms 
Have frighted millions with her false alarms, 
Sounded from altars rich, and pulpits carved, 
Whilst Wisdom withered, and sweet Reason 

starved. 
For sixty generations, priests have throve 
By Christian Church, as Pagan priests by Jove ; 
As dancing Dervish by the dizzy round ; 
As Fakir fakes by sleeping underground; 
As Brahmin by his rites unwritable ; 
And Med' cine Man, also uncitable. 
Your Chinese Bonze, with Joss-house all complete, 
With Christian priest and Temple doth compete ; 
All use like tools, thro' the world's latitudes, 
Invectives fierce, or simple platitudes ; 
Bell, book, and candle, and the stick for rain, 
The stock in trade to make the churches' gain. 
Confessional and Syllabus mean naught, 
But what implies the Car of Juggernaut ; — 
To hold the souls of men in governance 
By hook or crook, by craft, by gun and lance. 
Stones may be altered, and a mystery changed. 
Yet every spot where ministers are ranged. 



The Siege of the Seats. x 7 1 

Or Jewish synagogue, or Turkish mosque, 

Cathedral Gothic, or old Druid Bosk, 

Buddha's pagoda, or a bishopric, 

Pet parson's parish, or the Mormon trick, 

All these the self-same formula announce, — 

* Laymen their private judgments shall renounce? 

A cipher in all this Religion stands, 

The Churches fight for Power thro' all the lands ; — 

Power they'll use to break all freedom down, 

And on the ruins plant a triple crown. 

'Tis time, and more, for England to speak out,— • 

Time to put all this insolence to rout, 

And let the puppets and the showmen know 

That Common Sense will strike a final blow, 

And that all propping of the sham is vain, 

We've done with crozier, cross, and fancy fane. 

To act on our intent, sure steps to take, 

And so no backward movement have to make, 

A council of our true friends have declared, 

And with a common purpose have prepared, 

Written resolve to ne'er their wrath abate, 

Till they have snapped the tie 'twixt Church and State. 

In this determination I concur, 

Entreating all to join, without demur, 

In setting an example to the world, 

To show that Britain hath its flag unfurled 

Against all Priestly strongholds, which abound 

In one shape or another, the world round." 

Thus closed his words, and cheers rung out around, 
Whilst opposite, and with a sudden bound, 
Sprung up a little form, with odd sharp eyes, 
Which thus in childish treble shrilly cries. 

" This is the kind of thing for France more fit. 
Than for us solid Englishmen who sit, 



172 The Siliad; or, 

Strong in our common sense, our laws to keep, 
And not dive into matters far too deep 
For men who have their business to do, 
And know what's what in England, and who's who. 
Those fellows who the Revolutions make, 
More for their own advantage than the sake 
Of any good their country will derive, 
They're wasps ; I'd smoke them all in their own hive ! 
What have these men in Europe found to do, 
This rabble Red, this Communistic crew ? 
Have they not burned, and wickedly debased, 
The Temples ancient piety had raised ? 
Did they not set authority at nought, 
And for mad aims have they not bled and fought ? 
These are the fit allies for Phauses' band, 
To smash up everything through all the land. 
The Paris ouvrier and London Rough ; — 
Their skin, I guess, is rather black than buff — 
This dangerous class, to decent men a scourge, 
Opposed to these, we all dissensions merge ; 
I look upon them as of different mould, 
And black sheep to be kept without our fold. 
These men, they have no scruples in their scale, 
And care for nothing so they swill their ale, — 
Beer is their measure, and a true test-all, 
They in frothing pots their wage invest all. 
There's but one way to cure the raging pest ; 
Till then we'll have no quiet and no rest. 
Restore the Test Acts, make a single creed ; 
We know what is the thing the people need ; 
And drive them all to Church ; the absent fine ; 
If contumacious, let them in jail dine. 
We've been too kind by half; and I propose 
That we should all dissenting chapels close, 
Impose the Church-rates, and increase the tithes, 
And whip each Free-thinker until he writhes." 



The Siege of the Seats. 173 

A sage replied, a sage of threescore years, 
Leaning on stick, tho' well his days he bears. 

"Amazed am I to hear such bigot talk, 
As if a solemn gait meant righteous walk ; 
Is this a time to urge a Church's claims, 
The age of pilgrim-dukes and shrine-struck dames ? 
Think you the multitude will long endure 
The foul disease, and not attempt a cure ? 
Think you such speeches will not more inflame 
The zeal of those who Parliament now blame ? 
It is for us to set the Houses straight, 
We can no longer on our leaders wait, 
But comprehending well the people's voice, 
Declare with them we win, with them rejoice. 
It is high time this parody was played, 
Which fools amused, and thinking men dismayed; 
The end is near ; and vain the puny strength 
Would keep determined nations at arm's length. 
Dele?ida est Carthago — she must fall, 
Our Mother Church, and seek her funeral pall. 
With this intent, I hope we may resolve, 
On us this night the duty doth devolve 
To close for ever the Historic page, 
Where wealth and rank have formed the odious gauge ; 
Henceforth, with truer measure than the past, 
To honour no man for his class or caste. 
Let priests be paid by those who feel their want ; 
For them the baldacchino and the font ; 
For us, who feel them but excrescences, 
Leave us what we believe are essences ; — 
We want no sacerdotal aids to praise, 
Towards Heaven direct our hopes and fears we raise. 

" Then, when you've conquered the hysteric fear, 
The fancy that such toys to God are dear, 



174 The Si Had; or, 

Then, when you've learned to know that all is love, 
And nothing hate ; when you can look above, 
And see in glory how the spheres abound, 
And what an ampler temple rises round, 
Than Roman Peter or the London Paul ; 
And when you feel how measureless the fall 
From Contemplation of His, Nature's, works, 
His granite pedestals, where never lurks 
A symptom weak, nor need restoring hands, 
Like these erections that you build on sands ; — 
When you can plumb the distance 'tween His Word, 
Spoke and sung everywhere by dog and bird, 
By every living thing (and all things live), 
Whispered by trees, hummed in the straw beehive, 
Roared by the storm, marked by th' electric line, 
Blazed in the void by countless suns that shine, 
Writ by white chalk, exhaustless as His grace, 
'Midst the red gravel, on a stony place ; — 
When you can count, and feel, and mete the space 
That lies between this living, speaking grace, 
And tomes of used-up rubbish, dry old bones, 
O'er which crazed superstition croons and groans- 
Then you will comprehend the work in hand, 
And give a free religion to the land. 

" Look ye, right honourable members ; men, — 
If ye are men, shrewd, wise, and sensed men, — 
Look ye on this religion, and on that, — 
One, a dull counterfeit presentment, flat ; 
Wanting in colour and the stamp divine, 
The glorious form, the sweet and grand outline,. 
Which mark the forehead pure of Nature, God, 
And show a world in a forgotten clod. 
Regard the other — here is total bliss ; 
In this the mountains the blue sky do kiss ; 
The ever-flowing waters from the streams, 
The salt tides joining, ruled by Luna's beams, 



The Siege of the Seats, 175 

By which the universal sea doth lave 

The ceaseless shore with unremitting wave ; 

Here, a design in the beginning wrought, 

Constant, continuous, and lacking nought, 

The Fount and Origin, the great I AM ; 

All other is extraneous, and a sham. 

Which will you have ? on which shall rest your 

choice ?— 
Till you shall shout with one harmonious voice, 
Oxe God IN all, Freedom may not rejoice,— 
Till then, do what you will, or can, or may, 
'Tis but continuance of the long decay." 

Raging and rubicund, a member rose, 
As tho' awakened rudely from a dose, 
And looking truncheons under frown-formed brows, 
Seemed a policeman ready for all rows ; 
So, in old times, his ancestors of yore 
Had felled their villeyns on the straw-laid floor. 
Now, irate, he regrets the g-ood times spent, 
When blows would close an awkward argument. 
He hails from Devon, from the rich red soil, 
Where scarce comes daily bread from poor white's to;] 
And a whole family receives per week 
What master's horse consumes in three days 1 keep. 
Eager to speak, and apt to use his jaws, 
But better at a dinner than the laws, 
Palcus breaks ground, and stuttering along, 
Of sense finds little, if of words a throng. 

" Is all the constitution to be lost, 
That we have reared with so much time and cost ? 
Are all the steeples to be let decay, 
Dear to fox-hunters who have lost their wa}^ ?* 

*A gentleman in Devonshire, addressing a meeting, patheti- 
cally invoked his hearers to preserve the ecclesiastical fabrics, 
as their utility in enabling thrown-out sportsmen to discover 
their whereabouts was undeniable. 



176 



The Siliad; or, 



Is all that reredos, and baptismal fount, 
And all that Restoration, not to count ? 
Why have we spent our money and our pains, 
Bmt to sit, dimly lit by coloured panes, 











And not permitting garish day to shine 
With rude effulgence on our fav'rite shrine ! 
'Tis true, the people will not go to church, 
Preferring poplar scenes, willow, and birch, 



The Siege of the Seats. 



i?7 



And there they read that Siliad in verse, 
Or Lloyd's, or Reynold's Paper, which is worse ; 
I say, for one, they should be made to pray, 
But not in my church, but some other way, 




So that our parsons could put forth the boast 
That they of worshippers had quite a host. 
The Clergy are our friends, and what we want 
Is more of them ; the present number can't 



178 The Siliad ; or, 

Do half the work. And Bishops, too, are poor, 
For hard they beg of us, from door to door ; 
The Friars Mendicant taught them their trade, 
And of th' experience they've profit made. 
On this assembly I would therefore urge, 
That we our sins and wickedness should purge 
By adding twenty to the Bishop's bench, 
And thus assist the Atheist fires to quench." 

A huge form rose, a Stentor as to lung, 
And high in air his locks about him hung, 
A thorough-going Rad, he sees what's wrong, 
And knows that rotten things can't last for long ; 
Right out he spake, and said just what he meant, 
Never before was he so eloquent ;— 

" With Phauses I at once my vote do cast, 
And think it high time to annul the past, 
Declare against the dogmas of the priests — ■ 
Their fastings, fulmens, pilgrimages, feasts. 
In all religions there is something good, 
E'en in the images of brass or wood; 
They representee stand of higher things — 
No part take I with who at them dirt flings. 
Each sect, tribe, province, colony or state, 
Has right to claim its own religious fate ; 
Believe Brahm's Vedas, or Sanhedrim's laws; 
With Greeks agree formal and final cause ; 
With Scandinavian stand in Asgard's hall, 
Accept man's Disobedience and the Fall; 
Worship the Cow of Isis on the Nile, 
Or bow to Allah on the Turkish pile ; 
Feeling with Fo, sedate with silent Friend, 
Have faith in no Beginning and no End ; 
Fancy that prayer a miracle may work, 
Or follow Scottish men to Knox's Kirk : 



T/ie Siege of the Seats. 179 

Uphold the English Church, Broad, High, and Low, 
Salute the Virgin, osculate Pope's toe; 
Sing Wesley's hymns in full united tone, 
Or at Revivals gnash, and howl, and groan. 
In all these fancies, feelings, faiths, I see 
Man's innate right to worship, fair and free ; 
No rulers' claims do I admit, to mix 
Matters religious with their politics. 
Let Caesar reign, inheriting a crown, 
Or after throwing a republic down ; 
Or the first magistrates of well-knit states, 
Or common head chosen from out his mates. 
Let King, or Queen, or Coming K — or Q — , 
Par Dei gratia, take a common view ; 
And, joined with Prince, or People's Presidents, 
Vox Po$ it 1 V obey, and common sense. 
Authority is useful to the world, 
Albeit centred in a dandy curled ; 
And in the main 'tis better to conserve, 
Than change, our customs, when our wants they 

serve. 
I will not say this Church we criticise 
Has not, in times gone by, proved sound and wise; 
Has not in measure, tho' it may be small, 
Some good performed for Peter and for Paul. 
But 'gainst it stands such reckoning of wrong, 
Written on crimson pages, full and long, 
Enough to make the Bar itself and Bench 
Indictment frame against the Scarlet Wench, 
And bar her and her set from camp and court 
As a vile thing, impure, of bad report." 

A philosophic soul, whom few did hear, 
And who was scarce rewarded with one cheer, 
Essayed the task of speaking something true, 
Tho' irksome to the chiefs, save very few ; 

12 — -2 



1S0 The Si I lad ; or, 

With them high wisdom doesn't count for such, 
Unless you can appraise it at " so much ; " 
They Theory much worse than thieving think, 
And would far rather the whole navy sink, 
Than Statics and Dynamics hear about, — 
Those are for common people who are " out ; " 
So, like a publisher not long since dead, 
Who had a longer purse than he had head, 
Who, when commiserated on his need 
The novels good from out the bad to weed, 
Did answer make — " You don't suppose 'tis mine 
To read and think ; I never read a line ; 
I pay poor men for doing work like that ; 
A brewer might as well clean out his vat." 
The camp where lie the Seats was thinly filled, 
When Moules, of the intellectual build, 
Prepared his hearers by some opening phrase, 
That he was not the chiefs about to praise, 
And after quoting many errors past, 
This of his speech was spoke the very last : — 

" The Saxon race, unready, thick of head, 
Scornful of all that's new ; by practice led ; 
Sacred no Principle, 'xcept Precedent, 
That they adopt, not knowing what is meant ; 
Clap-trap can claim them as its own duped prey, 
If that it will for Church and Sovereign pray ; 
And all the wealth of genius is nought, 
When Grundy says, ' But do you thi?ik we ought ? \ 

" O vice of English men, and women, too, 
Worst foe of what is beautiful and true, 
Showing the canker in the young green tree, 
Prophetic of the dry-rot yet to be ; 
O vile Hypocrisy, the Nation's bane, 
With thee no mind is sound, no body sane ; 



The Siege of the Seats. I S i 

Murder thou dost all honourable hopes ; 

And as the Borgia stands amongst the Popes, 

So thou, amidst the curses of the world, 

Dost stand pre-eminent, meet to be hurled 

To Pandemonium ; but Satan's crew 

Would cast thee forth, as of too black a hue ; 

For Devils, out and out, thou art not fit, 

For Devil-dodgers, just the real grit. 

From pole to pole ; Eastwards or Westwards sail ; 

In every land, list to the odious tale 

All tell of Britain's proud inhabitants— 

4 A people full of hypocrites and cants.' 

" Is evidence required in this line ? 
Reflect but on the lives of thee and thine ; 
And thou shalt see, how high or low thou art, 
Thou play'st a play, and dost assume a part 
Not thine by Nature, but opposed to Truth, 
And, for this seeming, thou shalt suffer ruth. 
Not thee alone, but thy posterity, 
Shall pay long bills for this hypocrisy, 
Which on the land doth welter in its slough, 
A loathsome mess to breed a villain's vow.- 
Antipodes to truth and honour bright ; 
To foes a solace, and on friends a blight ; 
When will thy poison-fangs lack meat and fall, 
Or dost thou think to be a funeral pall 
O'er England's greatness, when, weighed down by 

thee, 
She sinks in shame beneath her native sea ? 



" Their different passions have the nations killed ; 
They gathered in, just as they sowed and tilled ; 
Great Greece through jealousies her Empire quelled 
And bolder Rome by pride and lust was felled ; 






1 82 The Si/I ad; or, 

But these are vices not to cause a frown, 

Worthy and fitted for a kingly crown, 

When paralleled with thee, Hypocrisy,— 

The basest, meanest, lowest thing to be. 

Oh, what an epitaph on History's page : — - 

' There came on England, in her latter age, 

A plague-spot, which, of good men's care in spite, 

Slow, slew her; for, increasing day and night, 

The land grew foul with mental leprosy, 

And choked at last with damned hypocrisy! ' " 

The senile sitters were scarce moved at all ; 
To them it sounded like some young St. Paul 
Preaching to Cappadocians, perhaps ; 
At any rate, they took their usual naps. 

A chieftain, from the Highlands bound, did rise, 
Whom men will learn in days to come, to prize ; 
His furlough now he spends 'neath Roman skies. 
Return him, strong in thought, in wisdom wise ! 
His words were few, we have no space for all, 
Still on unwilling ears his speech did fall : — 

" Open the churches, day by day, all day, 
So that the heart- sick may go in to pray, 
And well-w r orn temples close the taunt of scorn, 
That Sunday prayers with Sunday clothes are worn ; 
That Village bells bring out the Sabbath bows, 
But what is done on Week-days no one knows. 
We see an age where Pilgrims are ' around,' 
Where Priests with Premier Dukes at shrines are 

found ; 
When Piety its eggs eat Alacoque, 
And Peter's rusty gate they shake and knock ; 
But all this seeming strength is very weak, 
And all this fever-heat won't last or keep ; 



The Siege of the Seats. 



181 



So we have only to reform ourselves, 

And leave the antics to the higher elves. 

I was a witness how the pilgrims fared, 

And think that, had they known, not half had dared 

To cross the Channel, e'en to 'scape old Nick, 

For they were very wet, and very sick, 



^ 



: 1iM§a 5 



au. 




But that's an old tale now, and very stale ; 

I will another scene I saw, retail:— 

To Cologne, where hei bishops played high jink?. 

Where Dom Kirche rises midst a Thousand stinks. 



184 



The Siliad; or, 



Some pilgrims came, and soon were entertained 

With story of those Virgins all unstained ; 

Eleven thousand Virgins ! note the sum 

Of virtues eloquent, long ages dumb. 

'Guess that's a number large,' sang Yankee voice; 

And Teuton verger, who did e'er rejoice 




To find his English prized, or understood, 
Said, solemnly, it was not what he could 
Quite think was true. * 'Leven tousands, hark, 
Too much ; half, better ; nearer to the mark.' 
Thus halved, as over-much virginity ; 
High figure yet, for such a rarity. " 

Some roars of laughter met the genial Scot, 
Who, sitting, played the well-known actor's plot; 
So, when his best piece he has finely said, 
The well-bred actor bows his modest head. 



Closed thus the struggle over Church's right 
To hold its status and the people fight ; 
The indecisive combat leads to nought, 
But frays in future as before are fought ; 



The Siege of the Seats.- 



185 



Thus in a never-ending wrangle live 

The priests, who to good works their hearts should give 




And now another chieftain on the plain 
His shield advances, shows the azure main, 
With suffering vessel in the offing tost, 
And, by arrangement, going to be lost. 
A Midland City sends this Sailors' friend, 
Ardent Plimsaules, whom the saints attend. 
Speed on thy mission, valiant, kindly one, 
Nor quit thy grip till thou hast wholly won ; 
Let not delays, nor disappointments crush, 
Nor think to cure rank evils at a rush ; 
But, with experience gained from efforts past, 
Your sails survey, your colours at the mast. 

Long-winded speeches owners' friends had made 
In favour of the tubs long since decayed ; 



1 86 The Siliad ; or, 

The rotten coffins, and the wretched hulls, 
Not all this glossing the waked nation gulls. 
Now to his task Plimsaules thus applies, 
Crushing with facts excusing laws, and lies : 
" From shallow waters of the noisy Clyde, 
From busy ship-yards on the grand Thames' side, 
Full many a monster of the deep has sailed, 
And been by owners or by crew bewailed. 
For different reasons grief is entertained ; 
This a real sorrow, that a sorrow feigned ; 
Too often, in the owner's case, the tears 
Are tears of crocodiles, — humbugging tears, — 
Such as shed slimy alligators, vile, 
Crunching their victims on the shores of Nile. 
So weep in accents hypocritical, 
And after reasons quite identical, 
The Crocodiles of Albion, seaman's land, 
Which they abuse with practices so damned, 
That mutiny, against such deeds of shame, 
Becomes a holy duty ; and the name 
Sounds sweet, of harsh rebellion, to^the ear, 
When urged 'gainst wickedness so dread and 

drear. 
We know nor wood nor smith's work can be sure 
From loss at sea ; but, when the ship's a lure 
For men to enter, and go down to death, 
Without a chance for life ; then he who saith, 
i Murder in passion is a deed of light 
Compared to such atrocities,' saith right. 

"No common hangman should be forced his skill 
To execute on men, who league to kill 
Their brothers for the calculated gain 
Of gold, paid for the loss they not sustain ; 
Outside the pale of pendant punishment, 
Such villains are ; but double chains should dent 



The Siege of the Seats. 

Their bones; they, two by two, led manacled, 
To hear hot curses on their heads be called, 



187 








By children taught to know them worse than Cain, 
As thro' our sailors 5 towns they drag the chain. 



1 38 The Siliad ; or, 

" Of careless laws with justice they complain, 
And Neptune's oracles believed in vain ; 
A safe return was promised to their toils, 
Renowned, triumphant, and enriched with spoils ; 
Forced to abandon now on a soft coast 
Their lives, their treasure, and their glory lost/' 

The chiefs in horror hear the awful sounds, 
And Demos to his rage can scarce set bounds. 
Pursue they other combats on the field ; 
Nor to persuasion nor to force they yield ; 
And long 'twould be to count the various points 
Where faction rages, or where zeal anoints. 

See a stern face below the gangway show ; 
No better friend sits there, no keener foe ; 
True as blue steel, to his convictions firm, 
None from his purpose able him to turn. 
Are his, all the unpalatable tasks ; 
For game-law riddance he each session asks ; 
He thinks that Sunday is as other days, 
And no compulsion stands to work or praise. 
Lover of freedom throughout all the lands, 
With Manin and Mazzini he joined hands ; 
And sees on the horizon a bright star 
In Spain's black sky, the patriot Castelar. 
No theme too strong 'gainst Fashion's iron law T s 
For him to touch, if he but see true cause ; 
And in the fray displays such sterling stuff, 
That they are held as fools who think him, muff. 
His chief resists him as a forward sub, 
But knows him right, altho' obliged to snub ; 
So tho' the Princely Guerdon was increased, 
And Petros beaten ; yet the war's not ceased. 

The words he'd said, and Petros sat him down, 
And one more nail was driven in the crown ; 



The Siege of the Seats. 189 

But came from both sides burgesses and squires, 

Lest they should miss the goal of their desires, 

Their names to give to please the Princely Scion, 

That he should have more cash to live and die on ; 

For Servitude was eager to evince 

Its footman's arts, to softly cringe and mince. 

For, many a man, who, sound, becomes M.P. 

Falls off, emasculate, nor moveth, free. 

Of champions on Petros' side a score, 

Whilst twenty twenties passed the other door ; 

Yet in the lobbies you will hear the cries, 

From many a lip that voted with the ayes, — 

" Petros came out, and made a good speech, too, 

And, what is worse for monarchy, 'twas true ; " 

Admission of a rotten state of things, 

And presage gloomy for the breed of kings. 

The action watching, from the side that's blue, 
Izakides, who makes his followers rue 
That ever they the foreigner called in, 
And did not trust to their own kith and kin. 
Full forty years have seen him act a part 
Against the freer teachings of his heart ; 
Sounding this noble earl, this ducal house, 
He to the Lions played the part of Mouse ; 
And useful reckoned, altho' vermin still, 
He's made them pay a trifling little bill, 
That they contemned and scorned him at the 

first, 
As Hebrew Canaille, of all cads the worst 
Think you Dudizzy does his youth forget, 
His longings as a Radical Cadet ? 
A man's first love, in Polls or Politics, 
Is ever dearest, spite of all the tricks 
Which he performs, obedient to the cry 
Of Fashion, Mode, Custom, Society. 



1 90 The Si I lad; or, 

Through sloughs (to Windsor) and morasses green, 

He's often led, and sometimes victor been ; 

Then, when he was, if Blues look back they'll see, 

Defeat had better been than Victory. 

The Citadel he built with seeming care, 

The trenches dug with skilful fence and care ; 

These in a moment he abandons swift, 

Ready to other ground his arms to shift, 

Thence to withdraw at proper interval, 

Sound the retreat, and back his legions call. 

Thus, fighting like a Bedouin in his tent, 

The Blues have never known what next he meant. 

But 'tis enough, the night comes on apaxe, 
So let us in the Tea-room take a place, 

Here, and in nooks remote about the camp, 
Where you the pipe may smoke, and your lips damp, 
All sorts of little skirmishes occur, 
To which we will, to ease the fight, refer. 

What's this that Gladimemnon, quite irate, 
Says of his enemies, and thus does rate, — 
" Shall these, so late who trembled at our name, 
Propose such steps, reduce our power and fame ? 
A change so shameful, say, w r hat cause has wrought, 
The party's falseness, or the general's fault? " 

A Kentish town sends this one to the House, 
A mart for hops which dread the fly and louse— 
A poll whose cultuie none deny him can, 
He ruins saves ; wrote Pre-historic man ; 
Has made Bank Holidays a general fact, 
And taken part in many a useful act. 
Go on ; continue still the people's friend; 
Unspoilt by gold you buy, and sell, and lend. 



The Siege of the Seats. i 9 1 

Upon the question of repressive force 
Hear one whose wit is fierce and strong, not coarse : — 

" Better the license of the wildest mob ; 
Fierce Paris Menads, with heart's maddest throb ; 
Sweet Erin's riots, and Kilkenny's tale 
(Annihilation's triumph, trite and stale), 
The Pole's vain struggles 'gainst the Russ Great Bear ; 
The Southern Horse, in hate of Yankee gear ; 
Vendean Chouans, and the j aequerie ; 
Sepoy rebellion, and the butchery ; 
The Christian Taepings and the Mandarins ; 
The massacres of Modoc Indians ; 
Better all these, and Tales of Terror Reigns, 
Told by great Carlyle in his fierce refrains ; 
Better all horrors that of Death are learned, 
Than softest pleasures under Tyrants earned; 
Better the lack of Life than Liberty ; 
For, freedom lost, body and soul do die." 

And, in a corner, see two forms well known ; 
Each to the other does his favourite own. 

<l l speak for France," one cried, and waved his hand, 
" For Gallia's broken forces and her land ; 
For what her wit, her fancy, and her taste 
Have done for the wide world in ages past. 
Shall we sit still, and see her all undone 
By hordes who emulate the fame of Hun ? 
Shall the half century of friendly peace 
For nothing count, and of our wealth increase, 
Gained in our commerce with the gallant foe 
"Whose worth and valour we have learned to know ? 
The thousand friendships ripened into love, 
All narrow prejudices far above, 
'Tween Frenchman and the Englishman to-day, 
Demand what in our power to help doth lay. 



J 92 The Siliad or, 

Say you, in charge of these concerns abroad, 
Are you prepared to see that fair France gored, 
To which, in happier hour, all Europe turned 
For chic, and esprit, and the lamp that burned, 
For all the arts that soften life's rough ways, 
And wit that brighter grew as lengthened days ? " 

His listener answered, told him to be cool, 
Thus tried to prove that he who fights 's a fool. 

" Why should we here, away from War's alarms, 
Begin to mix ourselves with broils and arms ? 
'Tis no concern of ours this duel stout, 
Arcades ambo, let them have it out ; 
What's it to us if Teuton conquer Frank, 
Or if the Gaul prove first in warlike rank ? 
The deadly feud has raged for centuries past, 
And God alone doth know how long 'twill last. 
This time, the German o'er the Gaul prevails ; 
Next bout, the cry may be, ' The Teuton fails.' 

But list, the bell for counting sides doth call, 
And all rush back into the greater Hall. 
When the division numbers were proclaimed, 
A shout arose, a Tory shout, wide-famed, 
As louder far than Liberals can raise, — 
A View Halloo beyond our puny praise ; 
A Tallyho, which pleased the Tory brood, 
For now in sight had come the game pursued, 
Which over hill, down dale, thro' quagmire black, 
The well-bred hunter and the hired hack 
Had followed long ; and not without despair 
Of reaching e'er the right side of the chair. 
Thus joyful Blues maintained the watch of night, 
While Whigs and Rads bewailed their sorry 
plight, 



The Siege of the Seats. 193 

And the cold shadow of the left-hand bench 
The warmth of Liberals did darkly quench. 
Great Gladimemnon grieved above the rest ; 
Superior sorrow swelled his premier breast ; 
Himself his orders to the Whips he bears, 
To bid in council all the Whiggish peers, — 
To bid in whispers ; these surround their chief. 
In solemn sadness, and majestic grief, 
He now amidst the mournful circle rose, 
Down his worn cheek the briny current flows ; 
So, silent fountains from a rock's tall head, 
In sable streams soft trickling waters shed ; 
With more than vulgar misery oppressed, 
Words, mixed with sighs, thus bursting from his 
breast — 
" Sons of Reform, partake your leader's care, 
Fellow M.P.'s who boldly vote and pair, 
Of partial prints too justly we complain, 
And Hebrew Oracles believed in vain ; 
Safe men returned were promised at the polls, 
Now friends have turned, all eager to pick holes ; 
Whate'er we do, there's nought but discontent, 
And few are faithful in our Parliament ; 
The press, which ministers doth make or mar, 
And set the funds at will, high, low, or par — 
The press, which, at a penny, fortunes gains, 
Me, who them favoured, jeers at and disdains ; 
Or, what is worse, the praise lays on too thick, 
Not wholesome, but too sweet, and makes men sick. 
In my next budget, as a smart reproof, 
On matter over-saccharine in proof 
I'll lay a tax, so that the clogging stuff 
Shall pay a tribute, as a treacle puff." 

Now through the lobbies rush the following hosts, 
Hundreds of chiefs who hold or want, the posts ; 

13 



194 



The Sili ad ; of* 



So, if he looks, the tired Speaker sees 
Clustering, in heaps on heaps, the spent M.P.'s, 




Rolling" and blackening, swarms succeeding swarms, 
With deeper cab- calls and more hoarse alarms ; 



The Siege of the Seats. 



195 



Dusky they spread, a close embodied crowd, 
And o'er the Yard extends the living cloud ; 
So, from the seats where sat the Heralds swift, 
Impartial in their task, and wise to sift 
The chaff from out the corn grown of debate, 
And listening little when it grows too late ; 
These spread along the Strand down to the Beach, 
Washed once the fllthj Fleet, river or ditch ; 
Fame flies before the messenger of Jove, 
Electric shines ; whilst needles point above, 
Below ; and, round the circle prophesied of Puck, 
The words go forth, " For Ministers bad luck ; 
Over the Bull bill they've been beaten bad. 
The Whigs are heirless, and the Rads are mad." 
This that the Heralds send along the wire, 
Men will read duly by the morning's fire, 




Nor care how Wheatstone, or another toiled, 
And tried again ; and 'gain, tho' often toiled, 



13- 



196 



The Siliad ; or, 



Till failure brought its usual end, success. 
Now sub-sea lines extend from ness to ness ; 
On land ten thousand voices in the air, 
Speaking mute messages to everywhere. 
Expression of great nature's subtlest force, 
Fierce, gentle, and unfathomable force — 
Let fame apportion to each one his share, 
Who gave us fresh dominion of the air. 
If Wheatstone have no more than justice dealt, 
No jealousy, re Morse, nor pain is felt. 




The Siege of the Seals, 



197 



1600k U3BE. 

The Council of the Gods, 

fHUS round Antipes breathing war and strife 
Stood Demos, armed, to dare the fight of life 
While near impending from th' opposing bench, 
Wait blue battalions ready for the wrench. 
Then Jove to Phleece gives command to hail 
The Thunderer's legions, locked in form of Mail : 
Swift to Hoeprintus Mount the hansoms dash ; 
Eager the warrior's hand to ply the lash, 
In serried columns with accustomed lead, 
Or feigned attack by Correspondent led ; 




This way or that, to mingle in the fray, 

Was one to them ; black night would bring brigh 

Before Aurora's time to call the land, 

"Jove's Own" would shout that choir, the Smith 

band. 
The circling cylinders of Times great sweep 
{That Scythean touch has made some strong men wee 



198 



The Siliad ; or, 



Are heard in grating cadence as they fall, 
Hard and resistless as swart Death's roll-call. 




The inky tribunes hear and pass within, 
To quiet chamber free from printing din. 
(Say, are they true, Valterius, our fears 
That your new system of revolving spheres, 




Which gives our planet your big double sheet, 
Was borrowed without leave and trick not m eet 
From Brother Jonathan ? So they assert. 
Say; — Is't to you or Bullock the desert ?) 

• With cuffs well up, willing to do, and dye ; 
And gall their hands, their arms ; to sell or buy; 



Tlie Siege of the Seats. 



199 



Be bought or sold, according to the price ; 
Though holding that their honour's very nice 
(Broad stone of Honour is the black broad sheet, 
Just, as it should be ; see, with phrase how neat, 




Clean it condones the rich man's million fraud, 

And does its best to starve the poor man's board). 

Not one is absent, not an urban Power, 

That haunts St. John's Grove, or landlady's bovver ; 

Each red-haired ready writer, hot and strong 

To battle any way, for right or wrong, 

Is come to know the line he is to take, 

Lest by the dawn he'd do a big mistake ; 

(These the descendants straight from Ishmael's 1 

Black mail to levy on whatever kine 

Come in their way, great, small, or middle size ; 

Their appetites are greedy as their eyes). 

Absent, old Scotius, whose genius ripe 

Dismissed the Swiss, but kept his Stereotype ; 

Not his to care for colour, blue or buff, 

But cause the spheres revolve, and print enough. 

On wooden chairs, with lucid columns crowned, 

The columns in their heads ; their backs chairs found; 

Sat the feared three, the sacred nine, and one, 

Making the awful score believed by none. 

E'en he, the one, whose nod suthceth quite 

To make Hoeprintus tremble all the night ; 

Who in his ardent days, when Pam did pipe, 

\Vould on a sudden swoop, and change the type 



The Siliad ; of, 

form ; and this transpose ; and delete that, 
I play the devil in a high-crowned hat. 
lie with Cobdenus' self a fall had tried, 
Till both, with reason, " Hold, enough i " had cried. 
This One is come, and takes his place in state, 
Acknowledged leader of the Fourth Estate. 

Beside Jove's. men, come all the lesser Gods, 
For, in the circle of Hoeprintus' Quads,* 

-it de Corps, a proper feeling, reigns — 
To help a Deity no God refrains. 
These, taking cabs, in long procession ride 
To where the Thunder rolls in all its pride ; 
(As man the street named from the Royal Dame climbs, 
In new red brick, see fresh sign of the Times), 
sides suburban, come the rural powers, 
it haunt Mancestfian, Nukastlian bowers, 
J hat rule o'er Leedians, Liverpudlian men, — 
Come, laying each at Jove's dread feet his pen. 
On circling chairs, with press insignia crown'd, 

all the world-compelling gods around ; 
Till Juno rose, who, making quite a stir, 
Questioned her mate, the mighty Thunderer ; — ■ 

" What moves the God who heaven and earth com- 
mands, 
And hurls the thunder from his awful hands, 
Thus to convene the editorial staff — 
Miss Minx, there, on the left, don't at me laugh — 
What moves the God who threepence still commands, 
And 'Ads.' as numerous as ocean sands, 
Thus to convene en masse the fourth estate; 
Is Blue and Buff the subject in debate ? " 



* Known only to the initiated in the Composing Rooms of 
Hoeprintus ; for Amuetos, it must remain as the comprehended 
college abbreviation. 



The Siege of the Seats. 

" It is," the doubtful deity replied ; 
"I call you here that you may all dc 
In aid of which great host you will descend, 
To which of the two chiefs your aid you'll lend, 
Ourself will sit, and not at once declare, 
For fickle are we as we ever were." 
Yet, Jove, disposed to tempt young- Hermes' spleen, 
Thus waked the fury of the Gaberdine v— 

"Two powerful prints Robertson's brother aid, 
The gushing — you know — and chaste Maules 5 M 
High on the Mount Hoeprintus they machine 
Huge numbers ; and the people seem to lean 
A good deal to the side they patronize ; 
Though, when alarmed, the land turns Walters i 
If a small cloud doth in the East appear, 
Then speaks the Thunderer, and all men hear; 
Do Claims arise from Lairdian vessels' fires, 
The sons wait on my beck as did their sires. 
Clio, sage muse, recites I bore great brunts 
For what I for Europa ventured, once ;" 
(Here Venus smiled, and Dian thought of hunts). 
" In sifting forgers' plans, I mean, you dune 
Tradition doth recount the mighty deeds 
Of Turnabout I've done, to serve my needs ; 
"Great Fact' did I not dub the League 'gains 

Corn, 
And praise to Pam award instead of scorn ? 
I waited but to see him rise to power, 
And I was his, ay ! from that very hour. 
Impartial, many-sided, I but wait 
To see who's won, and order so my gait. 
To those who're down, I play the usual trick, 
The mzserables — administer a kick. 
I watch the Coming Man, the Coming K— - , 
And, if successful, on their side I play ; 



202 The Siliad ; or, 

'Tismine to blow the sails already filled, 
No barren wastes for me, I like ground tilled ; 
Omnipotent, above each saucy print, 
I rise, a monumental money mint. 

<* When Louis Charlatan (not Charlemagne) 
Did his December dodge, in France, 'twas mine 
To laud him, and to hail him, astute prince ; 
But when he fell, 'twas then no time to mince 
Opprobrious words ; but deeply I bewailed 
His life and policy — had he not failed ? 
For each weak man and nation on the Earth, 
There shall not, whilst I rule, be any dearth 
Of scorn, contumely, of damning line ; 
Who's helpless, sufFring, is no friend of mine. 
Support I'll yield to those who need it not ; 
Whilst they are struggling, I blow cold and hot ; 
The Times may change, my character's the 

same; 
Vcd victis, crush them, blot their very name." 

He said, and sat in silence ; with the same, 
The Gods and Goddesses their views proclaim ; 
And rise in turn, and each the moment seize 
To blow their trumpets on the passing breeze. 

Rose, Mercury — to Levy's line a jewel — 
No fire lost there for want of daily fuel ; 
Hermes has Harvey beat ten thousand miles ; 
And he who wins, they say, is he who smiles. 
Harvey the Circulation found in veins ; 
That kind of thing, not paying, Jo* disdains — 

* Jo : — A Familiar name at Court — Peterborough Court. 
Io would be more classic, but savours too much of I O you, 
to be accepted by the Bardic race in this connection, 



The Siege of tfie Seats, w 

The Greatest Circulation, that's a card 
Which lias been ridden, p'r'aps, a little hard; 

But Hermes' paper circulation pays, 

And Hermes looks on mortals with amaze, 

Who can prefer to all his fervid strain 

A chastened manner, and some matter plain. 

But Judah's ever was a royal line, 

And, temfie Moses, no doubt cut it fine ; 

So why should not the ancient people's race 

Enjoy Jerusalem, and go the pace ? 

Rises the Mercury, and storms abate ; 
But whilst it's rising, we have in debate 
A question we would put to Hermes straight, 
Which can"t be reckoned at all out of date. 
Why is't, oh Freedom's diffuse, streaming print, 
You never out of England give a hint 
That you are sworn to liberty's Cohort, 
And that you hold Reform to be your forte ? 
How is.it, when that Emperor did rule, 
When all that's most flagitious and most cruel 
Oppressed France, and soul and body wrecked. 
That you should always have with praises decked 
The man and men which did such flagrant 

things, 
As if they'd been, ail, patriotic kings ? 
Why mete you now, in foreign news and theme, 
Measure to France's patriots, most mean ? 
By anything that's logical or true, 
How can you help the Chambord and his crew ? 
How can you this new Marshalate support, 
In lines composed in Peterborough Court ? 
If thus you play the sycophant abroad, 
Be sure you're playing on an awkward chord. 
Which, inharmonious with your movement here, 
Will cost your circulation very dear. 



Siliad ; or, 

A byeword, now, you are with cultured men , 
Beware, O Hermes, — for, than what you ken, 
There's wise love of truth 'twixt heav'n and 

earth, — 
Lest you of readers find a sudden dearth. 

• that you've heard the bards' impatient wrath, 
Let the gods hear what Hermes shall bring forth. 

. scarcely deigning Jupiter to see, 
Hermes exclaims and blusters, " Look at me ! 
I am the God of Gush ; - in me adore 
A circulation waxing more and more. 
My Special Correspondents never tire, \ 

For me exists the special train and wire, I 

To Khiva I sent out my special lyre. j 

'Tis I who read the Future's mystic page, 
And keep three weeks, at least, before the age ; 
'Tis I who -am with secret ' tips ' inspired, 
And with the hopes of baronetcies fired ; 
I serve my country, and send out alone, 
To search for tablets in the desert sown ; 
But 'tis in vain that I ' Eureka ' shout, 
Of Stones that no one cares one bit about ; 
So as the people didn't seem to see 'em, 
I've turned 'em up; Smith's gone for the Museum. 
Much better had I all my powers employ, 
To give my ' People's "William ' daily joy ; 
To him I'll faithful be, to him I'll stick, 
Though he complains I lay it on too thick ; 

r will I cease my eulogistic craze, 
Though I bring ruin on him by my praise." 

He sunk ; then moved Minerva from her seat, 
heers that very High- Class goddess greet. 
" I'll not commit myself," she said ; " 'tis mine 
To measures, not to mortals, to incline. 



The Siege of the Seats. 205 

My fists I clench to struggle for the right, 
My Maules ever for Dissent shall fight. 
Extremely Radical my aim and style, 
I'll give no inch, and yet I'll take a Miall ; 
And dis-established Church seems not to me 
A thing that very distant ought to be ; 
Still am I, though so thorough in my views, 
Much courted by the mortals for my news ; 
And many who my doctrines reckon sin, 
Yet regularly take my numbers in. 
I join the battle, pledged on neither hand, 
But firm for truth and right I'll always stand/ ' 

With shrewish screams, and Billingsgatish shriek, 
Like fierce virago, Juno jumped to speak, 
And spreading out her widely ample skirt, 
Her dignity endeavours to assert : 
" I rage, I squirm ! " she cries ; she did in sooth, 
Like aged dame without a single tooth, 
" I say rude things, but no one cares a bit ; 
My bullets hiss, but ne'er a foe gets hit ; 
They tell me that I'm heavy in my style, 
But at my age should I be volatile ? 
Ah ! since the days when I was dear and young, 
What coming woes, Cassandra-like, I've sung ! 
What mares' nests I've discovered in my time ! 
How I've indulged in pathos quite sublime ! 
And yet, though age's wrinkles mark my brow, 
I can't write proper English even now ; 
Nor am I treated with attention due ; 
'Tis not to say my claims for it are new. 
Then why, I ask, with wounded pride and pain, 
Does great Dudizzy treat me with disdain ? 
Why does he never my dull soul inspire, 
Nor send to me the ' tips ' that I desire ? 



206 The Siliad; or, 

Do I, for this, his brow with wreaths adorn, 

And lubricate his spoke-box every morn ? 

Let him look out ; lest, changing love for hate, 

I turn his foe, and leave him to his fate. 

As to that minx who over yonder sits " 

(And saying thus her brow cross Juno knits, - 

And points to Hora, youngest goddess she), 

" She had not better come too near to me. 

How dare she leave my home, the sauc} r jacle ! 

And try to rival me in my own trade ? 

How dare she flaunt her face, and at me flout, 

And try to cut her aged mother out ? 

To me she owes her only real charm, 

And with my staff she does her columns arm. 

Such base ingratitude I here denounce — 

In one so young I hate such forward bounce." 

With that the Goddess flung into her chair, 
And shook her fist at Hora in the air ; 
Whilst Hora, though so very, very young, 
Did something rude at Juno with her tongue. 

Apollo then uprose, attired with care, 
With middle parting down his yellow hair ; 
With glass in eye, on upper lip a sneer, 
And all about him excellent and dear. 

" I do not, as a rule," Apollo said, 
"With vulgar quarrels trouble much my head ; 
'Tis mine the Pall Mall views of life to take, 
And like a gentleman my notions break ; 
No partisan, from hate and love exempt, 
I treat each side in turn with cool contempt, 
Nor pander to the people ; write no word 
Intended merely for the vulgar herd. 
The west flank of Hoeprintus Mount I hold, 
And there pursue my schemes, ambitious, bold. 



The Siege of the Seats, 207 

My form is all that's pleasant to the eye ; 

I seldom fly at any game not high ; 

For babes I write not, but for grown adults ; 

My oracle great Hercules consults ; 

I manage him whilst he controls the Clubs ; 

My Heralds are the best ; swells are my subs \ 

Aristos is my friend ; and, very true, 

I hold impartial scales 'twixt Buff and Blue. 

Errors of taste condemn I thro' the world ; 

The copious Hermes' hair I've often curled; 

And spite the Vates Hermes brags about, 

I know in this that I can cut him out. 

Jove credits me that I the future know, 

Men know the twang of my unerring bow ; 

Quacks I spare not ; nor, libel-proof, afraid 

With my Caduceus to spoil their trade. 

And sometimes do I, when occasions call, 

My swan-quill dip in ink that's turned to gall, 

And make poor mortals writhe and seek redress, 

As one did lately with much virtuous stress ; 

He found — a farthing ; and has never since 

Writ word of Shakerland or Brother Prince. 

Another, later still, has tried his best, 

My i Amuetos ' candour to arrest, 

But he, aloft by his own petard hurled, 

Admits it is a very ' Wicked World.' 

Sometimes, too, taken with a novel fit, 

I, Casually, take the town with it; 

Though 'tis against my lofty creed, I wis, 

To gain prestige informaj)au£eris. 

A Turk I started, very well he took ; 

'Twas I who christened Azamat Batuk ; 

You smile that I Mahomed's son baptized— 

Far greater men have done what I advisecL 

A higher style than other Gods I choose, 

Nor e'er admit a diction vaeiie or loose, 



2o8 The Siliad ; or, 

Look not to me, I beg, for groan or cheer, 

Be mine the well-timed phrase and cynic sneer." 

A god rejuvenescent, Tellus named, 
Blushed fike a maiden and attention claimed. 
" Not long/' said he, " have I been in this guise, 
For years ago my form was otherwise. 
A liberal bird sank fluttering on the pyre, 
A Tory phoenix issued from the fire. 
I am that bird, and though I'm callow still, 
I for Dudizzy fight with all my skill. 
One day at Mercury I rode a tilt 
And plunged my spear-point in him to its hilt, 
Nor could he blame me, but in gush of pain 
He vowed it never should ' o-ker ' again, 
And promised that the world should see no more, 
The ' irreclaimable old savage bore.' 
Since then, much more important having grown, 
Though amateurish still, at times, my tone ; 
I, like the frog whom the old fabler mocks, 
I try to puff myself into an ox, 
Lay down the law, and lecture all the land 
From my terrestrial first-floor in the Strand ; 
Till — this will show to what extremes I tend — 
My pages blush to pink for what I've penn'd. 
yet do I follow great Dudizzy's lead, 
And preach each night the old-time Tory creed.' ' 

Then stood a senile God upon the floor, 
Who used to keep Hoeprintus in a roar, 
But who, grown old and feeble, could not last, 
Save for his reputation in the past. 
Gone are his Wits, his Leech that once we saw, 
(And what a splendid Leech he was to draw), 
His Jerrold, Thackeray, his Mayhew, Hood, 
His Lemon too — and it is understood 
That without Lemon, Punch cannot be good-^ 



The Siege of the Seats. 209 

But still the God, for humour once renowned, 
Essayed to speak. His voice in groans was drowned ; 
Loud shout the Gods, his prosiness to baulk, 
"We'll see your pictures, but you must not talk." 
So, sat the aged and effete buffoon, 
Content to circulate his last cartoon. 

A Liliputian god, with bilious face, 
Steps to the floor and fills the speaker's place; 
And as the deities a welcome roar, 
An Echo plainly sounds along the floor. 
" Ye know/' the Liliputian said, " my fate, — 
I'm owned by publishers, I scarce need state 
So goody-goody that, had they their way, 
I ne'er should speak one word about a play ; 
Like Juno, my loquacity they'd stop, 
And me into a lock-up they would pop. 
Yet that the nimble half-pennies may come, 
I am on no sensation ever dumb ; 
But write about it with a gushing glee, 
That makes me quite a minor Mercury. 
I'm very Liberal ; but, truth to tell, 
I don't pay those who serve me, very well." 

So died away, and rose Auroros then, 
The god beloved by all the upper ten, 
Who said, " I think all quarrelling bad form, 
And never over politics get warm ; 
Mine is it rather in the hall to stand, 
And see the high and mighty of the land 
Pass in, and print their names the following day, 
In most imposing and correct array. 
A naughty mortal called me Jenkins, — I 
Who all the coming weddings prophecy ; 
And for the use of this great world put dow r n 
That Lord Tom Noddy has gone out of town ; 

id 



2 1 o The Sihad ; or. 

That Viscount Looby has been indisposed ; 
That Lady Larkspur's London house is closed; 
That Countess Cintra means to give a rout, 
And that the Duke of Omnium has the gout. 
These things my mission, and naught bothers me, 
While still survives our old nobility. " 

Now, many minor gods the floor invade, 
And many are the useless speeches made ; 
The comic deities — oh, what a crew ! — 
Take of the question quite a humorous view, 
Or think it such, and crack their little jokes — 
A course which choruses of groans evokes. 
Hear Phunnes speak, and say if ever yet 
Such solemn dulness has thy notice met ; 
Lament the load imposed on us by fate, 
A son w r ho walks not after Galton's gait ; 
And wish in vain that sleepy Phunnes would, 
To earn his living, be a lively Hood. 

A rather sprightly god is Figaros, 
And now of all the comic gods the bos ; 
With ready hand, and razor justly famed, 
He shaves mankind ; hence Figaros is named; 
And twice a week, till further change is made, 
The public pass beneath his sharp-set blade. 

Vespa deserves no mention — 'tis her fate, 
Most weakly Figaros to imitate ; 
And — inconsistent deed in any Muse — 
The god she copies rankly doth abuse— 
A trick not meet, experiment most vain, 
Not w r orthy of a Yankee teeming brain. 

Thus sped the hours, and when the cloud-bound sun 
Had. reached the horizon, still they had not done ; 



The Siege of the Seats. 211 

Still rose the gods ; and still, with fluent tongue, 
Voice after voice through High Hoeprintus rung, 
Till Jove — who though so fickle, yet no fool — 
Saw plainly 'twas much ciy 0' little wool, 
And, making signs for silence with his hands, 
Called for rich wines of various foreign brands, 
And freely sending round this vinous wealth, 
Benignly drank to High Hoeprintus' health, 
While they their differences in nectar sank, 
And "Jove the Thunderer," with honours drank, 
Long time they lingered, for, in merry mood, 
The Gods their liquor like, if cheap and good ; 
Till some the signs of stomachs weak displayed, 
And then by all a general move was made. 
Then passing, some, dry they and thirsty still, 
The Silver Gridiron found on Ludgate Hill, 
That favoured shrine of Bacchus, where you get 
The fairest Hebes, (note the sweet soubrette) 
That ever drew it bitter, mild, or stout, 
As know all men who Lud's town loaf about. 
If thou dost know it not, then mark them well 
Next time thou that way passest, errant swell, 
And own, though thou hast seen of maids galore, 
That never thou such barmaids saw'st before. 

Here, then, again the Gods their glasses crown, 
And fresh libations they their throats pour down ; 
Then late, when gaseous blaze proclaims the night, 
They settle down their pungencies to write, 
And when Aurora blushes at the day, 
Their columns clash, and fiercely fares the fray. 

Now from her widened sheet Minerva calls \ 
And Juno, with her arms akimbo, bawls ; 
See lushing Mercury his bow prepare, 
And ply the foe with gush and Lemgriere ; 



212 



The Sili ad . 



or, 



While Bacchus (and may naught this God o'erwhelm) 

Corks, well-aimed, fires 'gainst Gladimemnon's helm ; 

Hora, not very forward in the scene, 

Shrieks in the rear for Church, and State, and Queen ; 

Thus everywhere the gods their thunder roll, 

And make it pay to do so, on the whole, 

Whilst Jove the final issue doth abide, 

Fighting in turn, meantime, on either side. * 




The Siege of the Scats. 



1500& VIM. 

The Catalogue of the Forces^ and the 
Episode of Albor and Viktromache. 

SAY, subtle Mercury, of mighty line, 
The special letter, and the leader fine, 
Since earth's wide regions, and perhaps the moon, — 
If, " Graphic "-like, you venture a balloon — 
Or sun or stars, leave naught to you unknown, 
From Khans of Khiva to Assyrian Stone ; — 
Oh, say what hero other hero meets 
In deadly contest to obtain the Seats ; 
What veteran statesmen, or what maiden knight3, 
Dudizzy praises, or Bobilloes slights ; 
Thou lesser Jove, our high attempt approve, 
And bid Salaneos through the Kosmos rove, 
To aid us with encyclopaedic lore, 
To write as poets never wrote before ; 
Too superfine, our native tongue to use, 
Unless adorned with epithets profuse ; 
And our high muse instruct the chiefs to lot, 
In bastard Greek or limping Polyglot ! 
The heroes, and the voters whom they bring 
To ballot-box, in fitting strain we'd sing. 

THE CATALOGUE. 

The mighty squires, whom Bceotia bred, 
By Henlyon and stately Manneos led ; 



214 



The Siliad '; o>\ 



Lords of the pastures, and the smiling vales. 
Where munching muttons grow no woolly tails , 



k~^ % •"& VS. 








Where milky kine enjoy the juicy cud, 
And swine rejoice in the congenial mud, 



The Sicze of the Seats. 



2I 5 



Boeotians these, by stern decree of fate, 

Foggy, but faithful to the Church and State, 

Revering wisdom hid in horsehair wigs, 

And versed alike in politics and pigs. 

Some from the shadows of Cotswoldian hills, 

Some from the murmurs of Avonian rills ; 

Devonian those, from caseous Cheshire these, 

Those famed for cream, and these more skilled in cheese. 

Some from the land the lofty Wrekin crowns, 

Some from the broad expanse of chalky downs. 

Essex, of mists and marshes mildly proud, 

And level Lincoln help to swell the crowd; 

(Sad Lincoln, of Sibthorpeos bereft, 

Consoled by knowing bigger yokels left); 

Happy the land, so large the stupid stock, 

One scarcely miss we from the numerous flock ; 

Jesters we must have to supply our need, 

(As day to day, see muff to muff succeed). 

Hereford's orchards by the banks of Wye, 
Fox-hunting Leicester famed for porcine pie ; 




Each sends a chieftain fit for mighty feats, 
Defiant, bold, and eager for the seats. 
Bucolic champions of each rural shire, 
Welcomed with cheers and rounds of Kentish fire : 



>i6 



T/ie Siliad ; or, 



To heights empyrean swells the loud acclaim 
For Huntian hero, tall and strong of frame ; 
Norcotea, he of Alabama claim ; 
Pakeos, of large nose and naval fame. 
Fair flows Avontes, where the tower shows, 
Built by Guyedon, foe of fierce dun cows ; 
Newgatea thence, lugubrious, dull of eye, 
A milder hero, and almost a Guy ; 
And wrathful he that priestly hand should paint 
That other Guy as an explosive saint. 
Bold Whallas, coatless, shorn of skirt and tails, 
Sheds a mild tear when Wagga-Wagga hails, 
And vows to save him from the Jesuit hurt ; 
Occasion needing, he would sell his shirt. 
With them come squires from parochial boards, 
Cub-hunting bumpkins, quarter sessions lords, 




Unhonoured patriots, only known to fame 
For trouncing poachers and preserving game ; — 
With sylvan shout each chief another greets, 
In high resolve to win the vacant Seats. 



With steady march advance the Devil's Own, 
Stiff-curled the wig and radiant the gown ; 
No law's delay their martial fire can quench, 
For seat in Senate leads to seat on Bench ; 



The Siege of the Seats. 



217 



Fearless the legions antique Tempe yields, 
Grasseian pastures and Linconian fields ; 
Fair Tempe, where the classic fountain plays, 
Chrysanthemums adorning wintry days ; 
Linconius, where Rhadamanthus sits, 
And Minos, straws attenuated splits. 




S—er 




Anxious the chiefs, arrayed in coif and gown, 
To serve their country's interests — and their own, 
For fair the promise that the brave shall rise — ■ 
The Seal, the Ermine, and the Sack the prize ! 



2l8 



The Siliad; or, 



Tauntonian Jaimees, he who, undismayed 
Disdained the offers of the Rhodian maid / 




"Give me," she cried, "the symbol of command; 
I scorn the distaff, meet for feebler hand,— 
Mine be the task to guide you in the way, 
And yours the part to listen and obey. 



2 he Siege of the Seats. 219 

The seat is yours, if you assent," she cried; 
But "Walker," the Tauntonian chief replied 
With flashing" eyes fair Rhodia withdrew, 
And round her form her manly mantle drew 
" Walker ! not Mary Walker ! cruel taunt, — 
The Doctor's old enough to be my aunt." 
The maid, enraged, to rival chieftain ran, 
Who staidly owned the woman better man. 
Historic Vernos, State-claimed, Oxus sends; 
Machones, who the fatted Sphynx defends, 
Silent except when bearded Kenea fails ; 
Morganeon, worthy son of ancient Wales ; 
Another Jaimees, once a chief of fame, 
Till solemn benchers blotted out his name ; 
Straight, as his fathers, he who proudly shares 
With foundering Phryggea Shrewsburean cares. 
Others who, crowned with academic fame, 
From Grantaea or many-watered Thame, 
Where sinewy rowers struggle in the race, 
And loud acclaims announce the foremost place; 
With honours graced, their fortunes seek afar, 
And plead or thunder at the legal bar. 

Next come the chiefs by lesser Ajak led, 
By rippling Ribblees or Irwellion bred, 
Where flash the subtle shuttles in the loom, 
And giant chimneys fill the air with gloom ; 
Eborians some, who tease the tangled wool ; 
Some from Merseius and Hepatic Pool, 
The busy Pool, whence many a vessel sails 
With thread short-measured, and the mildewed bales. 
Shoddessia those, Cottoneus others, claim, 
Rivals in ardour and alike in fame ; 
Their laden navies sail in every sea, 
To cheat alike the Christian and Chinee. 



220 



The Siliad; or, 



" Give us the Seats,' ' they cry, " and war will cease, 
The whole world wrapped in calico and peace ; 
No fights, but a Millennium of mills, 
Longcloth and shoddy healing human ills." 




From Grampian hills and Caledonian plain, 
Land of poetic mist and constant rain, 
Come Gaelic heroes, sober and sedate, 
Snuff, figures, toddy, mingled in the pate ; 
Macscotians canny from beyond the Tweed, 
The cautious bodies who on haggis feed, 



The Siege of the Seats. 



221 



Sprung from the chiefs of cattle-lifting fame, 
Who wore no— trowsers— and who knew no shame. 




Glaswegian bailies, Aberdeenian chiels 
(Inheritors of woes which brimstone heals) ; 




Stalwart of frame and ponderous of " broo, ,? 
lidin's stout sons, who seldom " smell her noo;'* 



222 TheSiliad; or, 

Keener the scent that guides the oatmeal race 
To office odours and the sweets of place. 
Elginea fair a Duff — not Duffer — sends, 
And merry Fife a bold Anstrutheus lends, 
Clackmanseus — where man and maiden clack-^ 
Owns Adam — name less ancient far than Mac. 
Proud the young chieftain from Argyllean shore, 
Resplendent scion of Maccallum More, 
Crested Lornceus of the cocky stride, 
Who wooed and won Loogueipha for a bride. 

^Erinea green, where Home-rule patriots grow, 
" Hereditary bondsmen, strike the blow," 
The loud-voiced leaders thunder to the skies, 
To bid Shellela and Paddseus rise ; 
To swear no double L shall rule them more, 
And hurl the Saxon from Liffea's shore. 
Thence come the ardent spirits to contend, 
To make " bould "speeches and "the Green 1 

defend. 
Hearts of bog oak and stalwart coves of Cork, 
Armed with a nate shillalagh for the work. 
A hundred seats and five the warriors claim 
For those who put an " O " before the name ; 
Some from the valley where the waters meet, 
Some from the Shebeens w r here the whiskey's neat. 
Kilcanea sends its squad of patriot Pats 
(Kilcanea renowned for dauntless cats) — 
Chiefs from Galwseia and the Howtheian hill, 
And fifty cities that begin with " Kil; " 
Full fifty more that well preserve the fame 
Of faction fightings ending with the same. 
With peals of triumph Logeians come forth, 
Thin-skinned Oranjeas, panting from the North ; 
And wilder yet resounds the answering cry 
Of those who bear the verdant flag on high. 



The Siege of ike Seats. 



$n 



Fiercely the combat rages when they join, 
And broken heads almost renew the Boyne ; 






feu 








But greater damage they attempt in vain, 

The skull is cracked, but not knocked out the brain. 



224 The Siliad; or> 

With rival war-cries all the welkin rings, 
When Leinster beards the sons of Munster kings. 
Ended the fray, they rest from martial feats, 
Again to fight when striving for the Seats. 

The railway system, exquisitely fine, 
Shakes up each train, or jerks it off the line ; 
But runs, express, the vacant Seats to gain, 
And keep them for the Parliamentary train. 
To light the nights these knights will light no lamps 
But cast reflections on the Whitehall camps ; 
They claim the right, nor think such claim is rash, 
To rule collisions and direct the smash. 
The wide-spread plains o'er which the Midland runs 
Send boiling for the fight their fearless sons ; 
North-Western breezes waft the loud alarms, 
Responsive warriors hear the call to arms ; 
South Coast obeys, Doverian Forbseas dares 
The risks of battle to defend the shares. 
In the far North the railway whistle sounds, 
From east to west the echo shrill rebounds ; 
Chairmen, directors, speed along the line ; 
Fleedless of tunnel or the steep incline, 
The facing points, servants who doze, ill-paid, 
And dare the perils that themselves have made; 
Whilst signal-men the handles' maze prepare 
To pound your body when you've paid your fare. 
Proud Strongiskeus the threatening brand may wield, 
And look to stalk triumphant o'er the field ; 
They scorn his missiles, bid him sheathe his sword, 
And mock derisively the Warning Board. 

Lofty of forehead and of aspect stern, 
Utilitessia's warriors come in turn ; 
Best of the band is Phauses : he whose mind 
Sees clearly truth when many men are blind. 



The Siege of the Seats. 225 

With others, readier reviews to fill, 
With hash of Malthus and cold meat of Mill ; 
(The greatest number's happiness is all, 
Yet Malthus tried to make that number small). 
Fluent of speech, crammed fitly to debate 
How many babes are needed by the State, 
Less able far to show, beyond a doubt, 
How many fools the State could do without 

From shop and smithy swarthy legions pour, 
Swelling the crowd that, Twist-like, asks for more — 
More pay, more power, but alone they shirk 
Demand that claims more hours for their work. 
Blatant Brumoians claim on high to sit, 
Neucassea's dingy delvers of the pit ; 
Sons of the soil lag weary in the march, 
Tlieir moulded figures ductile under Arch ; 
The horay hands aspire, with hope elate, 
To seize the seats and help to rule the State ; 
Worthy the chiefs, whose nod the hosts obey, 
To lead such followers to the deadly fray ; 
Ogerius, toiler in sutorial stall, 
Who shapes the shoe and drives the piercing awl ; 
And with him, leading the mechanic train, 
Behivus, worker with the saw and plane, 
(Or, worker once, till, Samson-like, he saw 
A mightier weapon in untiring jaw). 

Long trained with skill to hide his hopes or fears 
In borrowed epigrams or stolen sneers ; 
Sardonic smiles adorn Dudizzy's face 
As pass the athletes entered for the race. 
,l My Myrmidons," great Gladimemnon cries, 
4i Strain every nerve to gain the glorious prize, 
Yours be the joy to reach the Seats above, 
Whilst high Hoeprintus and myself approve." 

■ 15 



226 The Si Had; or^ 

The varied host two separate sections holds, 
Gathered and shepherded in dual folds ; 
One is, and was, and ever will be, found 
Adhering to the Old, e'en when not Sound ; 
This is its raison d' } etre ; without that stay,. 
It has no standing, and would fall straightway ; 
This for the Crown, the Church, the Things that 

are, 
Its guiding Archetype, the fixed Star. 

The other half more diverse in its face, 

Not sheep all these, but differing in race ; 

Some, solid veterans, who know the way 

Their points to make, and trumps to lead, with 

Clay ; 
Some, democratic axioms, fancies class, 
Whilst others patronize the lower mass ; 
Not all an equal front present the foe, 
Their ranks not dressed precisely as to toe ; 
Some move ahead with thoughts before their age, 
The heads of columns who the end presage ; 
This little vanguard leads the numerous host, 
A hope forlorn, which never counts the cost. 

The great distinction 'tween the two to count — - 
One wants to stop, the other wants to mount. 

And thus we leave the hosts on either side, 
And to the Mistress and Young Master ride. 

Of Royalty or Commonwealth, the claims, 
For fair debate scarce space to us remains ; 
In further verse the coming year may see 
What's urged for this, and what for that, the plea, 
Dilkides did the theme with power touch, 
But all his efforts did not tend to much, 



The Siege of the Seats. 227 

Except, indeed, a very general row, \ 

In town, or city, when he made his bow, L 

Whilst, in the camp, they went on anyhow. J 

Dilkides' words the Gods the regions teach, 

And to the good Viktromache they reach. 

She frowns at first ; her breath, her colour flies, 

And indignation fills her Royal eyes ; 

The speech, 'tis plain to see, has given her 

pain, 
And comes the sound of her lament again — 
" Was it for this, Dilkides, that our grace 
Endowed thy Sire with dignity and place ? 
Was it for this, for cruel words like these, 
He rose, ennobled, from his bended knees ? 
O, Albor ! see how now they treat thy wife ! 
'Tis thus they trouble her unhappy life. 
I've dedicated all my days to thee ; 
Why ever can't Dilkides let me be ? 
Surely one star its baneful beam displayed 
O'er Coburg's roof and Kensingtonia's shade ; 
From different parents, different climes we came, 
At different periods, yet our fate the same ; 
Thou to the Shades irrevocably gone, 
And I, abandon' d, desolate, alone ! 
Thy first-born son, once comforting my pains, 
No traces of thee, save thy name, retains ; 
He does not follow thy example good, 
His feet are often where thine never stood. 
Not his to foster Sciences and Arts, 
He rarely for thy Mausoleum starts ; 
Museums ne'er with longings fill his soul, 
I've even known him scoff the name of Cole ; 
Thy saving ways his leisure ne'er employ — 
He does not care for pigs — unhappy boy ! 
And but last Christmas— woe and lack-a-day \?* 

I saw him lectured in the ' Coming K .' 

15—2 



228 The Si Had ; or, 

I read that book with grief ; till then I had 
No thought my eldest son was quite so bad. 
But much I thank the authors for their work. 
Which did not, falsely loyal, his failings shirk, 
But told him of his faults, and, I must say, 
Performed the duty in a pleasant way. 
In some things he has done the authors' will, 
But there is room for much improvement still ; 
Swift may it come, accomplished may it be — 
Then can I give my every thought to thee." 

So spake the mournful dame ; and Albor heard, 
And from his spirit comes the answering' word. 

" Viktromache," it says, "thy love is dear, 
But dry, I pray thee, thy unfailing tear ; 
I think — for thee to know my will 'tis meet — 
Thy time of mourning is indeed complete. 
Unworthy of more wailing do I feel, 
'lis time that wounds my loss has made should 

heal ; 
For — pardon, if a tender spot I touch, — 
Weary I'm grown of being mourned so much ; 
And, if you do not wish to give me pain, 
Don't visit this Sarcophagus again. 
Thou' st acted nobly, and the country too — 
You both have done more than was call to do ; 
I'm dead, but Albors, bronze and stone, in scores, 
Have risen everywhere about thy shores ; 
And with a sense of chastened pride I mark 
That grand Memorial in the Western Park ; 
With chastened pride I say, for oft I think 
How great the sum that gorgeous pile must sink ; 
And what the interest on that sum would be, 
If thou'dst invested it, Viktromache; 
Or had some score of stucco mansions built, 
Nor spent it all in sculptures and in gilt. 



The Siege of the Seats. 229 

However, 'tis loo late to that amend, 

( only say this sort of thing; should end ; 

Tis time my spirit rested 'mongst the Shades, 

Safe from thy constant melancholy raids. 

The more convivial ghosts have noticed it — ] 

I mean thy sorrow — and they chaff and twit, | 

And make remarks intended to be wit. j 

So, widow mine, Dilkides' counsel take, 

For mine, if not thy loyal people's sake. 

Forget me, leave me— all thy care is vain, 

And to your country be a Queen again. " 

He said, and vanished, and she, moving slow. 
Sought the Round Tower, nor repressed her woe ; 
But still with sighs deplored the god-like man. 
Through all her train the soft infection ran ; 
And maids-in-waiting took th' accustomed cue, 
And soon the lamentation general grew. 
And now, no longer deaf to filial call, 
Does Guelphos seek his mother's Castle wall. 
Swift from the town, he gains the postern gate,— 
For dinner early, though for lunch too late. 
And lingers chatting till 'tis time to dress. 
With genial spirits of the Life Guard's mess. 
Then dinner comes, a meal devoid of state, 
And after dinner comes the tete-a-tete 
'Twixt son and mother; for, at her request, 
He stay'd with her. nor followed all the rest. 
An awkward silence for a moment reign'd, 
Guelphos looked bored, Viktromache seemedpairn d, 
Till, after telling him he must not smoke, 
She lifted up her Royal voice and spoke : — 

" O Guelphos, I am grieved with you, my son, 
To hear each day the things that vou have done* 



2 >° 



The Siliad; or, 



Why was your birth to noble Albor owed ? 

And why was all his tender care bestowed ? 

In no way do you imitate your sire 

(With coals at such a price, don't poke that fire ! ;•, 








But his example clean away you wipe, 
And make my uncle George your prototype. 
I wish you would reform ; I wish that you 
Were found more frequent in the Royal pew ; 



The Siege of the Seats. 



231 



I wish that you were oftenerwith me, 
When I the Tomb at Frogmore go to see. 




a*w\ 



cy/'iw. 



V 



X went this morning, lonely in my woe, 
(Your sister 'Trix refuses now to go], 







And poured out all my grief and sorrow there, 
'While you, ah me ! I wonder where -you were ? 



2 3 2 



The Siliad ; <?r, 



"1, Madam, late last night," thus GuelphGs said, 
u By fire detained, was lying still in bed ; 
I do not think that e'en my worthy sire 
Could blame my useful presence at a fire. 




But tell me further, Ma, what acts of mine 
Your mood to censure me to-day incline. 
I have been better very much of late, 
And done a heap of service for the State. 
Why, since I saw you last I've never ceased — 
I've laid a score of corner-stones at least ; 
I've opened three town halls, nor ever quailed, 
Though half-a-dozen Albors I've unveiled : 
I've held two levees, entertained the Shah, - 
That in itselfs no trifle, grant me, Ma. 
I've taken seventeen chairs at various ' feeds.' 
Subscribed as many 'ponies' t'wards men's needs ; 
Now, really. Madam, can you say I shirk. 
When what I do's to all intents your work ? " 

"Nay, Guelphos," said his mother, "that I grant 
But, still, refrain from blaming you, I can't. 



The Siege ef the Seats. 

See there (and here she took the ' Coming K— — ')- 
Read what of you they in that Annual say." 



**)*> 




" I know," thus Guelphos ; " I have read the book ; 
And here his happy sides with laughter shook — 
I think it very funny, first-rate chaff, 
It's given us in London many a laugh. 




What can it matter, even if 'tis true, 
I wouldn't be so glum if I were you. 



234 The Si Had; or y 

Suppose I am all that they say I am, 

I'm better so than live a priggish sham ; 

I am not clever; why should I pretend 

To learning that I do not comprehend ? 

The governor was very ' blue,' I know, 

But Science Halls to me are very slow; 

I have not got a model-farming soul ; 

And if I had my way, I'd burn old Cole. 

What can you want — would it your wishes suit, 

Were I to join the Birkbeck Institute ? 

Or, p'rhaps, much better I should muster pass, 

If at the Polytechnic evening class 

I gained the prizes, or a medal won 

For free-hand drawing at South Kensington. 

But really, Madam, this is not my lay, 

I cannot do it, whatsoe'er you say." 

" My son ! " his mother says, and now her tone 
Has slightly in imperativeness grown, 
" You trifle with my words ; this should not be, 
If you expect substantial aid from me. 
In many things — for trifles, let them go — ■ 
"You help to fill your mother's heart with woe. 
You do not, Guelphos, 'tis a great mistake, 
Enough of our dear German cousins make ; 
You seem to think these relatives intrude, 
And to dear Christian you, I fear, are rude. 

" This is not right ; I love the German race,-- 
Were not its features stamped on Albor's face ? 
I like the Teutons round me ; one, you know, 
Commands my royal yacht where'er I go, 
Another, my brigade of Guards commands ; 
I could not trust those troops in English hands ; 
The Ranger of our noblest park's a third, — 
I have to him but recently referred. 



The Siege of the Seats. 

In short, I like them, and, if you would do 

My pleasure, Gueiphos, you must like them too. 

Another thing that gives me much distress 

Is your expensive, growing lavishness ; 

I wish you'd try your brother Alfred's plan, 

For then you'd be a much more wealthy man." 



235 



" Upon my honour, Ma," (Gueiphos broke in), 
e - That is not fair to talk about the tin ; 
Remember, if you please, I have to do 
A heap of things that should be done by you. 
You choose to live an almost hermit life, 
Shut up from Ro} T al state, and show and strife ; 




Which means that I must, to a like degree, 
Come out, and quite a proxy monarch be. 
Hence, 'tis not fair of you at all, I'm sure, 
To come down hard on 1113* expenditure. 
As to the Germans, much your son regrets 
He ne'er can make them his especial pets ; 
You see in them no flaw, nor any speck, 
You don't know what they say of aunty's Teck. 



236 The Siliad) <5*r. 

And as we- don't seem likely to agree, 
Suppose we have some music, or some tea." 

" Ah ! " sighed Viktromache, " 'tis ever so, 
Ills do not come alone, as well I know ; 
First does Dilkides chide me, then the press, 
Then Albor coldly turns from my caress, 
And now — my cup to more completely fill — 
My Guelphos disobeys his mother's will. 
Enough, to argue further would but vex, 
But don't expect from me, I beg, more cheques.'* 

So spake the mournful Dame, and Guelphos hears ; 
Then on a sudden change in him appears ; 
And with repentant air and contrite voice, 
He makes Viktromache's sad soul rejoice ; 
And, it is said, he hied him back to town, 
The better, in one sense, for going down. 




LONDON : 
W. W. HEAD, PRINTER, 2 & J, PLOUGH COURT, .-... ..• 



BEETON'S HUMOROUS BOOKS. 

PRICE ONE SHILLING EACH. 



There is but little call to laud the men who have written the 
books catalogued below. They have done good work — work that 
needs no bush ; and mankind is under obligations to them for a 
large sum-total of enjoyment. It will be a long day before we, in 
England, forget the names of Thomas Hood, Albert Smith, 
Reach, and the Mayhews ; and from America we hail, as 
exponents of genuine and special humour, Artemus Ward, J. R. 
Lowell, Bret Harte, and Charles Dudley Warner, all of whose 
writings will be found included in the following list, — a various and 
entertaining company of genial jesters and merry penmen. 

i. Bret Harte : Poems and Prose. 

2. Artemus Ward : His Book. 

3. Kiddies. Illustrated. 

4. Burlesques. Illustrated, 

5. Charades. Illustrated. 

6. The Biglow Papers. J. R. Lowell. 

7. Saxe's Poems. J. G-. Saxe. 

8. Joe Miller's Jest Book. 

9. Connubial Bliss. Doughty. 

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n. The Flirt, and Evening Parties. Albert Smith. 

12. The Gent, and Stuek-up People. Albert Smith. 

13. The Ballet-Girl, and the Idler upon Town. 

Albert Smith. 

14. Humbug and Mince Pies. Angus Reach. 

15. Hearts and Trumps. BvHannay; and Change for 

a Shilling. Mayhew. 

16. Pusley ; or, My Summer in a Garden. Charles Dudley 

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17. Back Log Studies. Charles D. Warner. 

18. Sandy Bar. Bret Harte. 

10. Roaring Camp, and other Sketches, Bret Harte. 
20. Heathen Chinee. Bret Harte. 

22. Hood's Wit and Humour. 

23. Hood's Whims. 

24. Hood's Oddities. 

25. The Innocents Abroad. By Mark Twain. 

26. The "New Pilgrim's Progress. By Mark Twain. 

27. Jokes and Wit of Douglas Jerrold. 

28. The Siliad. By the Authors of " The Coming K ." 



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Neutralizing agent: Magnesium Oxide 
Treatment Date: March 2009 

PreservationTechnologies 

A WORLD LEADER IN COLLECTIONS PRESERVATION 

111 Thomson Park Drive 
Cranberry Township, PA 16066 
{724)779-2111 



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